I noticed that Kanka's Sports Page is the top Google result for "Tom Timmermans nicknames." I also noticed that no reliable and active source on the Internet actually lists the nicknames. Acting on a tip from an NDNation post, I hit the Internet Wayback Machine and decided to post them here. I hope Chad will forgive my copyright infringement. (And yeah, I know the formatting isn't very nice. Big whoop. Wanna fight about it?)
1 Showtime
2 The Clutch Dutchman
3 Bagel Thief
4 Tommy "Five to Give"
5 Tim Tommermans
6 The UnDutchable
7 Dutched By An Angel
8 The Gentleman From The Netherlands, Mr. Dutchinson
9 The Man From Nether-Netherlands
10 The High Man From The Low Country
11 Dutch By Birth, Clutch By Reputation
12 Tizzle
13 Holland Globetrotter
14 Mr. Holland's Opus
15 Twizzle
16 Too Tall Tom Timmermans
17 If It Ain't Dutch, It Ain't Much
18 Dutch Treat
19 Can't Dutch This
20 The One-Man Fast Break Wrecking Crew
21 Call Him Tindermans, 'Cause He's a Firestarter
22 Little Elbow
23 The Booty Trap's Heir Apparent
24 He Came, He Saw, He Towered Over
25 Quick First Step
26 Sneaky Quick
27 T Squared
28 The TomTiminator
29 Atomic Tom
30 Mot Snamremmit
31 Tom "You Can't Teach Size - or Dutchness" Timmermans
32 MVT- Most Valuable Timmermans
33 The Blonde Tomshell
34 Simmerin' Timmermans
35 Famous Skier Alberto Tomtimmermansba
36 Tom Injuredmans
37 The Human Exclamation Point
38 Ecstasy
39 One Man Press Break
40 Poor Man's Mike Sweetney Minus the Cheeseburger
41 The Beast of the Big East
42 Amsterdamn he's good!
43 The Dunkin' Dutchman
44 Queen Beatirx's Heir Apparent
45 The Reason Turkey wants to join the EU
46 The square root of T to the fourth
47 The Shaq of the JACC
48 The Royal Netherlands Air Force
49 Kiss Me, I'm Dutch
50 Dutch the Magic Dragon
51 Ivan Kartello's understudy
52 Swanny minus the booty
53 Poor Man's Ruth Riley
54 Phil Hickey with wooden shoes
55 Tommy Timmers, boy choreographer
56 The Longwood Tom Timbermans
57 Slammin' Amsterdammin' Tom Timmermans
58 Tom TimmerMANCHILDs
59 Long Ankles
60 Tom "Call me Dutchboy 'Cause I Live in the Paint" Timmermans
61 White Luscious
62 A Rich Man's Donotas Zavackas
63 4D: Drive, Draw, Dish, and Dutch
64 The Best Thing Out of Europe Since Napoleon, or At Least Toni Kukoc
65 Emeka Okafor's Dad
66 The Only Man Mike Sweetney Fears More Than Hamburgler
67 Dreihuis Destroyer
68 6-11, 253, Pure Vanilla
69 One More Reason for Boeheim to Sweat at Night
70 The Flying Dutchman
71 Tom Terrific
72 Tizzle Me Elmo
73 Larger Than Life and Twice as Natural
74 A Man, A Plan, A Canal - Timmermans
75 I cried because I had no shoes, until I saw a man who had no Timmermans
76 Om-Tay Immermans-Tay
77 Tom [INSERT NICKNAME HERE] Timmermans
78 Dutchy McDucherton
79 The Remix
80 Creator of the Windmill Dunk
81 The Riddle
82 The Original Point-Center
83 Half Man, Half Beast, All Dutch
84 Fashion Nightmare
85 Hundreds of uses, yet no real purpose
86 The 47th best thing since sliced bread
87 Somewhere between everyday Dutchness and cartoonish super-Dutchness
88 Better than the rest (in some vague, undefinable way)
89 The 8th Deadly Sin
90 Timmermans 3:16
91 The Real John Galt
92 Ankle deep in ankles
93 The Only Man in the World that has This Nickname
94 More than a man - a really big man
95 The Human Cartoon Character
96 Size 15 Wooden Shoes - So What?
97 Taller Than Normal People
98 Upside Your Head
99 Former Speed-skater
100 Timmermaniac
101 The Truth
102 As Seen On TV
103 From the people who brought you windmills and tulips
104 The Netherlands' secret weapon for taking over the world
105 The Antithesis of Emeka Okafor
106 The Dunk Tank in the Carnival of Life
107 Veni, Vidi, Timmermans
108 Everything you want - and a whole lot more
109 The Only NCAA Basketball Player to register a Single-Quadruple - 1000 Nicknames
110 The Question
111 The Answer
112 The Rhetorical Question
113 The Rhetorical Answer
114 The Other, Other White Meat
115 A, E, I, O, U and sometimes Tom Timmermans
116 Towering Over Others Like Some Sort of Tower
117 Y2T
118 The Original 6-in-1 Tool
119 Internationally Known, Locally Respected
120 Tom Quixote
121 Tomicide
122 The Tommy Gun
123 The Basketball Mercenary
124 The Basketball Messiah
125 The Double-Dutch Dribbler
126 30% Larger Than Life
127 Usually the Lesser of Two Evils
128 The Modern Marvel
129 Best of Show
130 The Real Reason Socialism Can Never Work
131 Knock, Knock. Who's There? Tom. Tom Who? Tom Timmermans.
132 The Reason for the Season
133 Your 100% Recommended Daily Allowance of Dutch
134 Pride of Dreihuis, Holland
135 Made of 100% Real Dutch
136 The Opiate of the Basketball Masses
137 May Contain Peanuts
138 Your Chastity at Risk, 24/7
139 Left, Right, Left, Right, Left, Right...
140 The Patron Saint of Fouling Out
141 Ana-Tom-ically Correct
142 Chris Thomas' Alter Ego
143 Almost, But Not Entirely Unlike Charles Thomas
144 Like Jimmy Dillon on Steroids
145 Infinity Squared, And Then Some
146 The 7th Man
147 E = MC^(tomtimmermans)
148 #50 on the Court, #1 in the ND Student Body's Hearts
149 Interncontinental Ballistic Fun
150 Jim Calhoun's Pimp
151 The Yin to Your Yang
152 The Linchpin Holding the Keystone Together
153 Cornering the Market on Nicknames
154 Trouble With a Capital Timmermans
155 The Mystery of Pandora's Box
156 This Nickname Contains Ten Words, Eighteen Syllables, and Sixty-Four Letters
157 Mike Brey's Other Guilty Pleasure
158 The Human Rally Monkey
159 I've Got More Nicknames in Back if You Don't See Anything You Like
160 Putting the Dutch in Offensive Production
161 The Human Lowlight Film
162 Part of a Complete Breakfast
163 Trying to be the Next Rik Smits
164 Slightly Less Lanky Than Louis Orr
165 Just a Big, Goofy Dutchman
166 Shakes Defenders Like a Polaroid Picture
167 Ice Cold
168 Ice Water in the Veins
169 The Chosen One
170 The Dutch Version of The Chosen One
171 King TutTimmermanstankhamun's Tom
172 The Dutch Manifesto
173 Special Sauce
174 Tall Drink of Water
175 The Show
176 The Dutch Oven
177 Thom Thimmermans
178 Tom Timmery, Tom Timmery, Tom Tim Taroo
179 Timmermania
180 When I Think About Tom, I Dutch Myself
181 Shooting Dutch
182 Dutch Elm Disease
183 The A-Tom-ic Bomb
184 The Dreihuis Delight
185 Dutchliscious
186 Dutchtastic
187 Mike Sweetney's Heir Apparent
188 The European Union's Most Valuable Asset
189 The Dutch Without a Crutch
190 Shimmerin' Timmermans
191 Nether Say Die
192 The Love Boat
193 The Dutch Dandy
194 An Offensive Goaltending Waiting to Happen
195 The European Sensation
196 Kid Tested, Mother Approved
197 My Favorite Timmermans
198 The Tank
199 Dutch Ado About Nothing
200 A Schoolgirl's Delight: Double Dutch
201 Po-Po 5-0
202 50 Cent
203 Dutch Madness
204 Speed Limit: 50
205 Notre Dutch
206 Dude, Where's My Timmermans
207 Holland, MI
208 Never Have Too Much Dutch
209 The Look, The Feel of Dutchman, The Player of Our Lives
210 Mike Brey's Genetics Lab Experiment Gone Wrong
211 Don't Sing It, Bring It
212 When You Wish Upon a Timmermans
213 Tm Tmmrmns
214 o iea
215 Sean "Dutchy" Combs
216 The Uncommon De-Tom-inator
217 The Hot Tom-ale
218 Tom Timmermans Version 4.0
219 Timmermans XP
220 Hyper Tom Timmermans Protocol Colon Backslash Backslash
221 Moneyball
222 The Future
223 The Franchise
224 Thomas Timothymermans
225 The Matrix Reloade
226 The Cloggin' Irish
227 The Miracle Man From Amersterdam
228 The Irish Muffin
229 Lady Tom, Dutchess of York
230 The Program
231 Beast of the Big East (West)
232 Beast of the Big East (Catholic)
233 The White Phil Hickey
234 Hawaii 5-0
235 Halfway to Triple Digits
236 Thom Timmermans
237 Boracho's Favorite Son
238 The Euro
239 Tt - A-Tom-ic Number 50
240 Mike Jarvis' Worst Nightmare (other than the nightmare where nephew Will borrows his car and accidently crashes it)
241 Weapons Grade Plutonium
242 WMD
243 Dutch Rub
244 Rumanu-Tom (famous Indian Mathematician)
245 Da' Tom
246 Dutch White Chocolate
247 (T^4+2T^3+3T^2)/(T^2+2T+3)
248 Tom's Mom Has Got It Goin' On
249 CD-TOM (Timmermans Only Memory)
250 www.timmermans.tom
251 Talm Pilot
252 Timmermans! (Timmermans factorial)
253 L
254 John Wooden Shoes
255 Tom Got His Number From His Projected Number of Fouls Through the First Ten Games
256 Tommy "Six Fouls to Give Once He's in the NBA"
257 Wha Happened
258 Making the Big East Quintadekaphobic Since 2000
259 The Reason South Florida is Joining the Big East
260 The Urban Tombrero
261 Tom Thumb
262 Charles Thomas Timmermans
263 Hollywood
264 Tom'd
265 Six points, 2-6 FG, 2-3 FT, 8 Rebs, 5 TO's, 5PF, 1 Asst, 0 Stls
266 110010
267 Da Bizness
268 Rock, Chalk, Timmermans
269 Hoya Toma
270 You're Timmerman's Bait (Yes You Are)
271 Tom Squared
272 Cash, Money, Dutch
273 Timtanic
274 Timberrrr
275 Drop Step
276 The Dunkaphobe
277 B.E.E.F.D. (Balance, Eyes, Elbow, Follow-through, Dutch)
278 Matt Carroll With Elephantitis
279 Kankles
280 TurDutchen
281 It Goes All The Way Up To 50
282 Floppy
283 The Dutchness Monster
284 The Token European
285 My Name is Tom Timmermans - Worship Me!
286 Creamy Hollandaise
287 Dutchzilla
288 Recruit Him, Watch Him Play, Lock Him Away in A Closet For a Year, Take Him Out, Watch Him Again - It Will Change Your Life
289 T Diddy
290 Snoop Dutchy Dutch
291 Money Shot
292 Interstate 50
293 Glad My Last Name Isn't Ferrara
294 The Wizard
295 Frisky
296 Finite, But Unbounded
297 2nd Tallest Man On Campus
298 Better Than Getting The Tanooki Suit In Super Mario Bros. 3
299 Throw Your Hands In The Air As If There Were No Repercussions
300 Pennsylvania Dutch
301 auTOMatic
302 T-I-eminem-E-R-M-A-N-S
303 Marquis de Dutch
304 Sexier than Brady's left arm
305 Not as sexy as Brady's right arm
306 The Holland Chunnel
307 Putting the ND in Holland
308 The In-TIMM-idator
309 Dr. Dutch
310 T-Money
311 SHOWTIMErmans
312 Rin Tin Timmermans
313 Dutch'd
314 Tommy T from the North Sea
315 Tom "My shots be flowin' like da Rhine" Timmermans
316 Tom van Timmermans
317 The Real Pride of Scranton, PA
318 Royal Dutch Airlines
319 He's not myopean, he's European
320 The Benelux Delight
321 Got Dutch?
322 Sneaky Dutch
323 The Midas Dutch
324 The Wizard of West Quad
325 The Duke and Dutchness
326 Andries
327 Ymudien Sensation
328 The Mouth of the Rhine
329 The 9th Wonder of the Modern World
330 Turkey Gravy
331 Netherlands Chief Export
332 The Human Interest Story
333 The Human Gamepad
334 Earth, Air, Water, Fire and Tom: the 5 building blocks of the universe
335 The Human Parallelepiped
336 The 5th Dimension
337 The Seventh Sense
338 The 4th Blind Mouse
339 The Cincinnati Bengal of Big East Basketball
340 The 11th Commandment
341 The Human Haiku
342 Liquid Death
343 Jimmy Chitwood
344 The Dutch Greg Ostertag
345 The Road to the Final Four
346 The Greyhound Bus
347 King of da Drop Step
348 The Tom of the Unknown B-Baller
349 Tom the Phenom
350 T-Funk
351 Phenometom
352 The Playmaker
353 Mr. Breakaway Dunk
354 Timmermans, LLP
355 The Gorilla that Destroyed the Oakland Zoo
356 Defined only by being Indefinable
357 The Paperweight
358 The Ultimate Stocking Stuffer
359 Tall on Talent
360 The human equivalent of "Jock Jams"
361 The New Deal
362 The Unbalanced Equation
363 Come for the Dutch, stay for the Clutch
364 Tom Timmermans is for Lovers
365 Tom "I heart ND to infinity" Timmermans
366 That Just Brushed Sensation
367 Snuggles
368 The Timmermanifest Destiny
369 The Secret NASA Project
370 The Dutchina Monologue
371 Hofstra
372 Mt. St. George College Fightin' Timmermans
373 The Clown Prince of Basketball
374 ThreatCON Echo
375 The Round Mound of Rebound
376 Tommy Funk
377 The Tom Timmermans Experience
378 Uncle Tom Timmermans
379 Tom "& Jerry" Timmermans
380 Mild Sauce
381 The Main Event
382 Skip To My Lou
383 Fiff-dee
384 The Professor
385 Half Man/Half Amazing
386 The And Tom Mix Tape Tour, Vol. 50
387 Vanilla Thunder
388 Dr. Dutchenstein
389 The Little Dipper
390 Hot Plate
391 Sweet Cheeks
392 The Big Unit
393 To-Ti
394 The Abuser
395 The Best Kept Secret
396 Showbiz
397 T Timms
398 The Prophecy
399 5.0 on the Richter Scale
400 The Timm Reaper
401 The Real Slam Shady
402 This Week's Sign That The Apocolypse is Upon Us
403 Night Train
404 Thump and Bump
405 The Dirty Dutchman
406 He Love Me
407 The Dutch Leprechaun
408 The Fighting Dutchman
409 My Country Has Free Healthcare
410 Miniature Yao Ming
411 The Foreign Force
412 The Spark Off The Bench
413 Wonderboy
414 The Man With The Cult Following
415 BFG (Big Friendly Giant)
416 BFD (Big Friendly Dutchman)
417 MOAT (Mother Of All Toms)
418 TOM-ahawk Chop
419 Like Kellen Winslow II, He's A F-ing Soldier
420 Excelsior
421 The Juvenator
422 Pass that Dutch
423 The Delta Project
424 Rotter-damn, He's Good
425 Ba-Dunk-A-Dunk
426 Tomid El-Atimmermans
427 Tom Doe
428 Really Big Boi
429 Mr. "I Don't Think So!"
430 The Tower of Terror
431 The Guy the Leprechaun Legion Doesn't Care About Too Much Because Caring About Him Won't Get Them on TV Like Dressing Up Like Elvis Will
432 Yowza!
433 Lula's Cafe's #1 Customer
434 Martin Inglesby's "Project"
435 A Middle Class Man's Billy Celuck
436 The Netherlands' Resident Authority on the Macarena
437 Mike Sweetney's Cheeseburger Monkey
438 One of the Few Things That Can "Pierce the Corporate Veil"
439 ND's Second-Biggest Fan of the Mock Turtle
440 Healthier Than Both a Cigarette and a Popeye's Biscuit
441 Former Shift Manager at the Now-Defunct Irish Kosher Deli
442 The Hot Hand
443 Mr. February
444 The Funk-Soul Brother
445 The Showtime Rotisserie: Set It and Forget It, But Check Back Every Now and Again to Make Sure It's Not Injured
446 Starsky & Dutch
447 Notre Dame's All-Time Leader in "Full Frontals"
448 Lynchpin
449 Mr. Fantastic
450 JaJunk
451 A Thing That Makes You Go "Hmmm..."
452 Paul Pierce Minus the Green Headband
453 Chuck Lennon's Pep Rally Speech Writer
454 Provolone Without
455 The Guy Behind the Guy
456 The Resume Booster
457 The Next Big Thing
458 Whoa Nellie
459 Old Faithful
460 The World's Shortest Tall Guy
461 Teddy Valentine's Favorite Player About Which To Demonstratively Explain That the Shot Won't Count and We Are, In Fact, Headed the Other Way Subsequent To an Offensive Foul
462 Mr. Player Control Foul
463 Todd Palmer Minus the Suck
464 Todd Palmer With a Slightly Smaller Head
465 Tomasitimmermansos
466 A Really Tall and Athletic Dennis Carroll
467 Marilyn Keough's Favorite Son
468 Smokin'!
469 A Real Big East-Type Guy
470 Iron Chef the Netherlands
471 The Real Zupastar
472 Sir Luscious of Dreyhus
473 Moves
474 Living Proof That "When You're Hot, You're Not"
475 "I Know I Should Get Into Rebounding Position, Because Here Comes A Chris Thomas Ill-Advised Shot"
476 The Avatar of Dutch
477 Master of the Totally Unnecessary Pre-game Warmup Dunk
478 Civil Disobedience
479 Too Big for Anything but Basketball
480 Ballpoint Pen
481 The Vin Diesel of the Big East
482 None More Dutch
483 He takes a lickin' and keeps on dunkin'
484 Under Armour's Posterboy
485 The reason South Carolina seceded from the Union
486 Matt Carroll's Apprentice
487 The Human Snot Rocket
488 Tom the Tool Man Timmermans
489 The Tall Terror
490 The Golden Gun
491 The Non-Haitian Sensation
492 The 28th Amendment
493 Pull N' Peel
494 Not so Tiny Tom
495 Rated MA for mature audiences
496 Dynasty
497 Tom "Once you pop you can't stop" Timmermans
498 The Maginot Line of the JACC
499 Ergonomically Designed for your pleasure
500 Artisan Sandwich No. 50
501 Dutch be Nimble
502 Tom "I like my applesauce chunky" Timmermans
503 Tom "I breathe fundamentals" Timmermans
504 Tommy Tilt the Bench
505 Hollandaise Sauce
506 The Sam's Club of the Big East
507 Vlade Divac minus talent, plus Dutchness
508 Buy one, get Tom free
509 Twinkle Toes
510 Two Ton Tommy
511 The Crown Jewel of The Hague
512 The Dean of Low Post Moves
513 Ibn-al Timmermans
514 The Dutch Onslaught
515 Tommy Take a Seat
516 A Statistician's Worst Nightmare
517 Dutch Chicken: Mongolian Beef's Arch Nemesis
518 Dolby Dutchital Surround Sound
519 da da da daht da dhaa...Charge!
520 Don't leave home without him
521 Would you like to apply for an additional 15% off?
522 Batteries included
523 Energizer [bunny]
524 Copper Top
525 They don't take Visa
526 Charles (Tom) in Charge
527 He doesn't carry cash
528 Debit or Credit?
529 The Hitman
530 Boom Boom
531 Bonecrusher
532 The Taztimmermanian Devil
533 Mr. Inside and Mr. Outside
534 Tommy Basketball
535 Chairman of the Boards
536 To ND Basketball What QB Eagles Is To Tecmo Super Bowl
537 Curator of the Oakland Zoo
538 The Love Below
539 Speakerboxxx
540 More Styles Than A Barbershop
541 XY Ruth Riley
542 I put de balle in de bucket, ya?
543 The Dutch word for the free throw line is 'der gunderstalcht'... coach says I gotta stop sending das guys to der gunderstalcht
544 Tommy Timmers, boy choreographer
545 Holland: Been Playing Hoops Since We Lost Everything To The Nazi War Machine
546 Shaq's Stunt Double In Kazaam!
547 Tom "Bizarlyle" Timmermans
548 Pound For Pound The Best Player On The ND Basketball Team... That's From The Netherlands
549 The Result of Rampant Drug Use and Prostitution in Amsterdam
550 The Grinch Who Stole Kartelo's Minutes (and a Bagel)
551 The Reason Ben Howland Left Pitt
552 Notre Dame's Best Recruiting Tool
553 The Reason We All Go to the JACC
554 If You Dish it, Tom Will Come
555 Gary Busey's Stunt Double
556 Dutch, Dutch, Goose
557 Heidi Fleiss' Best Client
558 Accept No Timmitation
559 The Focus of SportsCentury's Next Episode
560 Only a Benchwarmer Because He's so HOT
561 A Perfect 100 (or 50 times 2) on the Unintentional Comedy Scale
562 Infinity Toms 50 Equals Showtime
563 Shawn Bradley on the Metric Scale
564 English is His Second Language Because Foulin' Out is His Native Tongue
565 Sexier than 2 Dikes
566 Not as Sexy as 3 Dikes Together
567 Tom "Yeah, I'd put my Finger in a Dike... But Only in an Emergency" Timmermans
568 The Future Star of Space Jam 2
569 There's No "I" in Tom, but There is an "OOOHHHHHHHH"
570 Tim Merman, Swimmin' in Hoes
571 Taking 5 for the Team
572 The NBA's Marketing Dream
573 The Only Thing "Throwback" about Him are his Elbow Motions
574 The Mastermind Behind the BCS Formula
575 The Seventh Son of the Gunman on the Grassy Knoll
576 Teehentee
577 The Most Ridiculous ND Foreign Import since 1999
578 Tom "It's Redundant to Say I Played 15 Minutes and Fouled Out" Timmermans
579 The Hidden Agenda of NATO
580 The Biggest Phenomenon since Reuben Boumtje-Boumtje
581 The Best Current ND Baketball Player with Thomas in his Name
582 The Guy Who's Clogging Up the Lane
583 A Ballhandling Travesty Waiting to Happen
584 The Reason Condoms are being Handed out Free in DC
585 Tom "I'm Allergic to MSG" Timmermans
586 Death, Taxes, and Timmermans with more Fouls than Points
587 Number 50 on the INS Most Wanted List
588 Double Oh Fifty: Secret Agent Slam
589 The Not-So Great White Hype
590 Proof That Rik Smits' 15 Minutes of Fame was No Coincidence
591 Archibald M. Nemesis
592 The Trainwreck of Basketball
593 As Nasty as MD/2020 Without the Hangover
594 Smoother than Schlitz Light
595 Phi Slamma Amsterdamma
596 He's not White, He's European
597 The Secret Connection between Gorbachev's Forehead and Drew Brees' Cheek
598 Two Hand Dutch
599 A Timmermans By Another Other Name... Would Involve Copyright Infringment
600 The Last Kid Picked To Play
601 The Original Sin
602 Well Within Your Wildest Dreams
603 Like Dutch Writer Hans Christian Anderson's The Little Mermaid, But With A 6'11" Basketball Player Instead Of A Mermaid
604 Tommy 3000
605 The Dutch Uncle
606 Behind Only Brey In The Level Of Dutch Courage
607 Founding Father of the Dutch West India Company
608 Inventor Of The Dutch Bob Haircut
609 Dutchbob Squarepants
610 Tomfoolery Timmermans
611 Tomcat Timmermans
612 Banging On The Tom-Tom Timmermans
613 Ayatollah Thomeni
614 Same Tom Time, Same Tom Station
615 Pardon Me, Do You Have Any Grey Poutom?
616 Famous Bob Dylan Song "Just Like Tom Timmermans' Blues"
617 David Toms
618 Bigguns
619 A Product of the Coca-Cola Company
620 One-half Of A Two-Man Fast Break Wrecking Crew
621 Co-Writer of Trick Daddy's "I'm a Thug"
622 The Cradle of Civilization
623 The Tom Timmermans Band
624 More Spicy Than Hot
625 Tom Timmermans et al
626 Another Timmermans Honda
627 Tom Flamenco
628 Senor
629 Taking the Big East in an Ever-Easterly Direction
630 Yoko Ono's Fourth Husband
631 Steve Sears' 3rd Favorite Irish Basketball Player
632 Tom T(sqrt(-1))mmermans
633 The Fierce Wind of the North Sea
634 The EU's Strong Right Arm
635 The Great Divide
636 The Man that keeps Belgium down
637 McGlinn's Alarm Clock
638 The Monster of McGlinn
639 574-634-3024
640 Thomas.A.Timmermans.1@nd.edu
641 TAT
642 - .. -- -- . .-. -- .- -. ...
643 Andries the Giant
644 127 Marilyn Keough Hall
645 The Reason Beds in McGlinn are 7 Feet Long
646 There is No Life Size Poster This Big
647 The Big Ticket
648 The Enforcer of the Big East
649 Windsor's Wonderman
650 IU's Dream Recruit
651 T. Andries
652 Andries Mountains
653 The Boat Club's Biggest Bust
654 The Tomatometer
655 Sir Elton Tohm
656 Dunkin' Dutch
657 A line: the shortest distance between two points
658 The greatest product of the Ajax system
659 Patrick Kluivert in wooden basketball shoes
660 A-Ha's Lead Vocalist
661 Queen Beatrix's Royal Center
662 The Next Jan Peter Balkenende
663 Gheorge Muresan's Better Half
664 The Son of a Dutch Carriagemaker
665 PGA Tour golfer Trevor Timmelman(s)
666 Post-Dispatch sports writer Tom Timmermann
667 The Real Number
668 Tom DeLuise
669 THE Tom Timmermans University
670 He's Going To Make House Party Look Like House Party 2
671 It's Called Joyce Center, Not Joyce Ghetto
672 The Result of Penelope Cruz-Cruise Meeting Reuben Boumtje-Boumtje
673 The Don
674 Technical Tom
675 Double T
676 Gravity
677 The Wall
678 Timber
679 Timble
680 50 Stories Tall
681 Tall Boy Tim
682 The Tower
683 Future Notre Dame Starting Offensive Lineman
684 Tom da Bomb
685 Tickle me Tom
686 XXL
687 It's raining Tom
688 Tomopoly
689 Timmer Tom has got it going on
690 Outta Control
691 Tomzilla
692 T to the O to the M
693 Topple Tom
694 The Tom Tom Club
695 The Genius of Love
696 Dutchitally Mixed, Tommy Tutone Timmermans
697 Dutchboy Paint Patrol
698 "Nature Boy" Tom Timmermans
699 Sweet Baby Tom
700 Dutch E. Cheese
701 Half Dollar
702 The Dutch Gotsch
703 Tom Shammtom
704 Tom Tolbert's Illegitimate Dutch Son
705 T-Bone
706 Strong Like Bull
707 T-Tim
708 Swifty
709 Women Love Him, Men Fear and Respect Him
710 E pluribus Tom (Out of many, Tom)
711 Emeka's Worst Nightmare
712 Ludicrous Speed
713 The Human Layup Machine
714 Too Dutch, Too Soon
715 How Dutch is Too Dutch?
716 Tommerknocker Timmermans
717 The High Ankle Sprain
718 The Moving Screen
719 Johnny Fairplay
720 Count Dunkula
721 The Mansierre
722 The Negotiator
723 Mr. Cleanjersey
724 Randall McPherson
725 The Old-Fashioned 2-Point Play
726 Sammy Splintersocks
727 The Tim Andree of the 21st Century
728 Tom Tom the Piper's Son
729 That's Dr. Basketball to you son
730 Tom.com
731 Air Wood
732 The Get Back Kid
733 Projected Late First Round
734 Creator of the CBA Development League
735 The Mayor of SLAMsterdam
736 Tom Timmermints
737 Dutch Mints
738 Trip to my Lou
739 Dutch Professor
740 Tom "I Don't Need to Jump to Dunk" Timmermans
741 Tom............... and the Bonus!
742 Too Le-Dutch to Quit
743 Just a Shade Under 7 Feet of Pure Dutch Love
744 Jolly Green Timmermans
745 The Dean of Local Sports
746 The Dean of International Sports
747 Keyser Soze
748 Ghetto Bastard
749 Don't Mess With Amsterdam
750 Porn Star Dutch Diggler
751 83 Inches in Length
752 Mack Truck
753 Livin' La Vida Timmermans
754 Inventor of the Internet
755 The Meaning of Life
756 Metrosexual
757 Future Governor of California
758 Next Year�s Super Bowl Half-time Show
759 Founded July 31, 1981. Aged to Perfection.
760 Coming to America 2: Here to Stay
761 www.nd.edu/~ttimmerm
762 Team 453
763 Genius
764 Circus Freak
765 iTom
766 Generation NEXT
767 Fluent in Only One Language: Basketball
768 Google search: "Tom Timmermans". 2,090 results, search took 0.19 seconds.
769 Tenacious T
770 Kurt Rambis Without the Specs
771 4M
772 The White Might of Dutch Outta Sight
773 Carpe Dutchman
774 Gonna Ride You Like a Burro on Tom Sunday
775 Tommy Fiasco
776 Tequila Tom, the White Lightning
777 Legal Name: Hercules Rockefeller
778 His Royal Dutchness
779 Dutchie Dutcherson
780 Air Dutch
781 Timberrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmans!
782 The Only Man with A Higher Turnover to Assist Ratio than Chris Thomas
783 Tom "The Tiger (in the sack!)" Timmermans
784 Thumb Fingermans
785 His Dutch Shake Is Better Than Yours
786 The Man of Windmill Slams from The Land of Windmills
787 Mike Brey's Dutch Crutch
788 Dutch is Life...and Tom Timmermans
789 Tom "The Touch" Timmermans
790 The Shocker
791 Tom "M1" Timmermans - 'cuz he's money
792 The Western Yao Ming
793 The Not-So-Far Eastern Yao Ming
794 The Juice of the Joyce
795 Tom "Like a Prayer" Timmermans
796 Like a Drive-by Because He's Up and Down the Floor So Fast
797 Tom "Like Your Mother Because He Always Delivers" Timmermans
798 The Reason Carmelo Left Early
799 The Not-So-Little Dutchboy
800 Tom "Cold Fusion" Timmermans
801 Indian Giver: Because You're Never Gonna Get Another Shot
802 A.I. With Better Shot Selection
803 Dick Vitale's Wet Dream
804 Tom "I'll take you off the dribble and your mom" Timmermans
805 The Thing That Keeps Me Warm On Those Long Cold South Bend Nights
806 Rembrandt's Greatest Masterpiece
807 Tom "Nether say Nether" Timmermans
808 Under the Back Foul
809 The Afro Pick
810 Tommy Von Peekdownblouse
811 Tom "I Think That's My Size 15 Wooden Shoe in your Ass" Timmermans
812 The Netherland Ranch
813 Dutch Nuts in Yo Mouth
814 Tommy Legend
815 Tom "Call Me Anything, Just Don't Call Me Late For" Timmermans
816 Double Bonus
817 Dutch, Yet Always Her Treat
818 You Can Stop Him, and You Can Almost Be Assured of Containing Him
819 Double Dutch Bonus
820 Air Amsterdam
821 LeTom James
822 KLM
823 The Nifty Fifty
824 The 83 Inch Janet Jackson Nipple Ornament
825 Toms With Calcium
826 European Sasquatch Sighting
827 Dehydrated, Anemic Shaquille O'Neal
828 Western Vlade Divac
829 The future winner of an "Indiana All Imported Big Men" knife fight with Ivan Kartello
830 Neither Dutch law nor the Big East bylaws mandate wearing underpants
831 Don't Think Because He's Iced Out That He's Going to Cool Off
832 I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more Dutch Timmermania
833 The Shifty Fifty
834 Tom "My Favorite Cat Stevens Album is Tea For The" Timmermans
835 God Timmergod
836 Shiver Me Timmermans
837 Shock and Awe
838 Poetry in Motion
839 The Personification of "Oh No He Didn't"
840 The Big Matinee
841 The Orange-Man
842 Timmerman's Royal House of Orange
843 Tom Gouda the Basket
844 Coach Brey Looks Like He Had Bad Breath
845 Yesterday's Breakfast
846 Ivan Kartello's Illegitimate Son
847 Jere Macura's Legitimate Dad
848 Goldmember
849 The Dutch Priest
850 The Apple of Coach Brey's Big White European Basketball Eye
851 Hostile Takeover
852 Get Up, Get Down, Get On The Floor
853 2-3 Zone Killer
854 Gouda if it Goes
855 T2: Judgment Day
856 Timmerman Toast Crunch
857 Death From Above
858 The Timmerman Cometh
859 Do You Know the Timmer Man
860 We Can See You're TT!
861 Let's Go Dutch!
862 Holland Dazed and Confused
863 The Plague from the Hague
864 Tom the Tulip
865 Dutch Obliged
866 The Captain That Righted the Notre Dame Basketball Ship
867 Master and Commander
868 Tom "Enough to Overcome CT's Poor Shot Selection" Timmermans
869 The Classic Proverb: Tom is Money
870 NKOTB: Netherlands' King of the Bend
871 The Dutch E-Z Bake Oven
872 Tom "Guess Who Has a 3PT Percentage Now?" Timmermans
873 The White Whale to Our Opponents' Metaphoric Captain Ahab
874 Timms
875 The Bracket Buster
876 The NCAA Leader in Intangibles
877 Peeping Tom
878 Big Shawns Marions
879 Trey Timmermans
880 The Answer to the Question: What Da Hook Gon' Be?
881 50 Euro Cent
882 Uncle Tom Timmerman's Dutch Cabin
883 Thomas The (Dutch) Tank Engine
884 The Irish Beast
885 JACC in the Box
886 CT's Big Dutch Security Blanket
887 Hickory Dickory Dutch
888 Big Poppa
889 T-Murder
890 Driehuis Dream Machine
891 Mr. Short Black Dress Socks
892 Better Shooter Than Colin Falls
893 Jolly Dutch Giant
894 Is He a Factor? Is He a Non-Factor? Nobody Knows!
895 The Reason Hakim Warrick Wakes Up in a Cold Sweat
896 Schweaty Palms
897 Dutch Dimeman
898 Long Tom Silvers
899 Most Likely to Appear in a Local TV Commercial (after Mike Brey)
900 Blonde Vlade Divac Without the Beard
901 The Real Reason Tourists Go to the Netherlands
902 A Better Pure Passer Than Ben Roethlisberger
903 Tommy Hustle
904 Tom "Atkins Friendly" Timmermans
905 The Blue Ridge Bomber
906 Tom "Droppin' Dimes" Timmermans
907 The Dime Droppin' Dutchman
908 The Great Wall of the Netherlands
909 The Incredible Bulk
910 Tom "Call Me Ishmael...No, Don't" Timmermans
911 The Mark Paul Gosselaar of Basketball
912 A Streetcar Named Timmermans
913 The Human Subliminal Rorschach Test
914 Like the Pythagorean Theorem... There is No Answer
915 Tom "Chad, Get Off My Jock" Timmermans
916 Mr. T Sans Bling Bling
917 The Notorious T.A.T.
918 The TAT Offensive
919 JusTom Timberlake
920 Tom Timmermans, So Hot Right Now
921 The Dutch Equivalent of Mardi Gras Beads
922 Timmer man... MER MAN
923 Not Just a Big Dutchman Dunking Basketballs. A Big Dutchman Dunking Basketballs, Old School.
924 Equal Parts Size, Athleticism, and Dutch
925 There's No "I" in Team Because it's in "Timmermans"
926 When You're Not Looking, This Nickname is in Spanish
927 Honesty is the Best Policy, But Timmermans is the Best Defense
928 Tom "Keeping the Mid-Range Jumpshot Alive" Timmermans
929 Not Quite the Sum of His Parts
930 TT the Dutch Plane
931 The Dutch Express
932 Tom "Hot Sizzle" Timmermans
933 Come Mr. Timmerman, Tommy Me Banana
934 Tom Petty and the Fastbreakers
935 March Madness to the Beat of the Tom-Tom
936 Timmermonkey
937 Tom "I Broke Okafor Down Off the Dribble" Timmermans
938 Not So Tiny Tim Tommermans
939 The Reason For at Least One of Stuart Scott's 15,000 Boo-yah's
940 The Okeydoke Dutch Show
941 The Antilles Heel
942 The Netherlands Neanderthal
943 Brey's Bodyguard
944 Elton Thom
945 Tommy at the Nets
946 Dutchy Feely
947 A Man-and-a-Half
948 Thom Thumbermans
949 A Blond That Every Mother Could Love
950 Dream Date for a Big Girl
951 Identified Foreign Object
952 Tom Timmer-Super-mans
953 Timmer-califragilisticexpialidocious
954 Tom Swishermans
955 Fr. Hesburg's Window Washer
956 West Quad's Golden Dome
957 The Kolassus of Keough
958 JACCpot
959 BookStore ' 04 Dream-Come-True
960 Drive for Show, Dunk for Dough
961 The Irish Assassin
962 Tom "Redifining Eye Level" Timmermans
963 Holland's Highest Elevation
964 Tom-ta-Tom-Tom
965 Hoop-La
966 Troy Murphy Only Smarter
967 Big, Bold, Blond and Beautiful
968 Envy of the Little People
969 The Skyscraper of South Bend
970 Two-and-a-Third Yardsticks
971 The Blond Hypotenuse
972 The European Invasion
973 Bucketman
974 The Center From Helland
975 Give Him an Inch and He'll Be Seven Feet!
976 Reinforced for Wind Shear
977 Leprauchan Legion's Legend
978 Why Women Weep
979 Total Eclipse of the Library
980 Wing Span Man
981 Every Inch a Winner
982 This Blond's No Joke!
983 Leaps Small Defenders in a Single Bound
984 Hoop Hoop Hooray
985 The Big Ticket
986 Working OverTom
987 Add a Flux Capacitor, and He'll Be a Tom Machine
988 The Human Matchup Problem
989 The Answer to the Question: What's Cooler Than Being Cool?
990 The Man for All Seasons
991 The Most Underrated, Underrated Player in the Country
992 The JACC of All Trades
993 Grace in its Purest Form
994 Honorable Mention All Big East
995 The Human Genome
996 The RPI Booster
997 The Human Joystick
998 He's Not a Player He's Just Dutch a Lot
999 The Greatest Center named Tom to Come out of Holland via Virginia
1000 The Man of a Thousand Nicknames
1001 Dutch Gold - (the Natty Light of Ireland, just like Tom, it might not be pretty or smooth, but it gets the job done)
1002 The Token European on the ND Basketball Team
1003 The Amsterdam Live Sex Show
1004 El Gigante
1005 Throwing Elbows From the Elbow
1006 Special, But Not Special Like the Kid Down the Street Special, But Special Like Special K
1007 Top Shelf
1008 Sometimes Three Seconds, But Never Sloppy Seconds
1009 Big Tom Studd
1010 The Human Tetherball Pole
1011 Stretch Velvet
1012 I Signed Up to Host a Dutch, Blonde, Foreign Exchange Student, and This is What They Sent Me
1013 The Dutchman Cometh
1014 Tom "Bring Your Green Hat" Timmermans
1015 Snoop Dogg's Second Cousin, Once Removed
1016 1/8 of the g g g g g G-unit
1017 The Newest Member of the Roc-A-Fella Family
1018 Dutch & Go
1019 Holla ND!
1020 To HOLL AND Back
1021 Tom "I Like Tulip Service You" Timmermans
1022 Tom "I'll Wind Your Mill Up" Timmermans
1023 Tom "I'm Not Related to Ann Frank" Timmermans
1024 Dutchdown Jesus
1025 The Divine Proportion
1026 Gerry McNamara's Evil Twin
1027 The Reason St. John's Only Has Eight Players
1028 Keith "Tractor" Traylor's Protege
1029 Turns Third and Inches Into Fourth and Long
1030 Timmerlans Shoe Co.
1031 T-Bag
1032 McGlinn's "O" Face
1033 Dutch By Birth, All-American on the Basketball Court
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Monday, February 04, 2008
Initial Internal Monologue on the Johan Santana Trade
aka me arguing with myself:
Point: The Twins get 4 of the Mets' top 7 prospects.
Counterpoint: But even Baseball America said that that wasn't enough for Johan Santana.
Counter-counterpoint #1: Most sources are comparing the actual deal to the Yankees offer that included Philip Hughes, and the Red Sox offer that included Jon Lester and Jacoby Ellsbury. Hughes and Lester had been taken off the table, and some sources project Ellsbury to be only the next Dave Roberts.
Counter-counterpoint #2: The Twins have always had a good eye for prospects. Santana was a Rule 5 pick, and they got Francisco Liriano, Joe Nathan, and Boof Bonser in return for AJ Pierzynski.
Counter-counter-counterpoint (to #2): True, but the Pierzynski deal was Terry Ryan. Bill Smith is the new GM.
Counter-counter-counter-counterpoint: Smith was Ryan's "right-hand man." So I wouldn't count him out yet, but it's probably too early to tell.
Meanwhile, many pessimistic sources see the Yankees and Red Sox missing out on Santana, and believe that the two teams will use that money to outbid the Indians for CC Sabathia. That and more Indians news (hopefully) later this week.
Point: The Twins get 4 of the Mets' top 7 prospects.
Counterpoint: But even Baseball America said that that wasn't enough for Johan Santana.
Counter-counterpoint #1: Most sources are comparing the actual deal to the Yankees offer that included Philip Hughes, and the Red Sox offer that included Jon Lester and Jacoby Ellsbury. Hughes and Lester had been taken off the table, and some sources project Ellsbury to be only the next Dave Roberts.
Counter-counterpoint #2: The Twins have always had a good eye for prospects. Santana was a Rule 5 pick, and they got Francisco Liriano, Joe Nathan, and Boof Bonser in return for AJ Pierzynski.
Counter-counter-counterpoint (to #2): True, but the Pierzynski deal was Terry Ryan. Bill Smith is the new GM.
Counter-counter-counter-counterpoint: Smith was Ryan's "right-hand man." So I wouldn't count him out yet, but it's probably too early to tell.
Meanwhile, many pessimistic sources see the Yankees and Red Sox missing out on Santana, and believe that the two teams will use that money to outbid the Indians for CC Sabathia. That and more Indians news (hopefully) later this week.
Labels:
Cleveland Indians
Notre Dame Alumni in the NFL Playoffs
Rocky Boiman, LB - Indianapolis: Wild Card: bye; Division: 1 special teams assisted tackle
Jerome Collins, TE - New York Giants: Wild Card: inactive; Division: inactive; Conference: inactive; Super Bowl: inactive
Anthony Fasano, TE - Dallas: Wild Card: bye; Division: 1 catch 5 yards
Marcus Freeman, TE - New York Giants: practice squad
David Givens, WR - Tennessee: Physically Unable to Perform
Ryan Grant, RB - Green Bay: Wild Card: bye; Division: 27 rush 201 yards 3 TD, 2 receptions 3 yards, 2 fumbles; Conference: 13 rush 29 yards, 1 reception -3 yards, 1 forced fumble
Craig Hentrich, P/K - Tennessee: Wild Card: 5 punts 198 yards 39.6 average 37.2 net 43 long
Carlyle Holiday, WR - Green Bay: Injured Reserve
Julius Jones, RB - Dallas: Wild Card: bye; Division: 3 rush 8 yards
Derek Landri, DT - Jacksonville: Wild Card: 1 interception 3 yds, fumble recovery, 1 sack 3 yds, 1 pass defended; Division: 1 assisted tackle, 1 quarterback hit
Sean Mahan, C - Pittsburgh: Last Week (team): 43 rush yards 2 TD, 337 pass yards 6 sacks
Luke Petitgout, T - Tampa Bay: Injured Reserve
Mike Richardson, CB - New England: practice squad/injured reserve
Allen Rossum, CB/PR - Pittsburgh: Wild Card: inactive
Hunter Smith, P - Indianapolis: Wild Card: bye; Division: 1 punt 49 yds touchback
Maurice Stovall, WR - Tampa Bay - Injured Reserve
Justin Tuck, DE - New York Giants: Wild Card: 2 tackles, 1 assisted tackle, 1 quarterback hit; Division: 1 tackle; Conference: 3 tackles, 1 assisted tackle, 1 quarterback hit, 1 pass defended; Super Bowl: 5 tackles, 1 assisted tackle, 2 sacks -14 yards, 2 quarterback hits, 1 forced fumble
Jerome Collins, TE - New York Giants: Wild Card: inactive; Division: inactive; Conference: inactive; Super Bowl: inactive
Anthony Fasano, TE - Dallas: Wild Card: bye; Division: 1 catch 5 yards
Marcus Freeman, TE - New York Giants: practice squad
David Givens, WR - Tennessee: Physically Unable to Perform
Ryan Grant, RB - Green Bay: Wild Card: bye; Division: 27 rush 201 yards 3 TD, 2 receptions 3 yards, 2 fumbles; Conference: 13 rush 29 yards, 1 reception -3 yards, 1 forced fumble
Craig Hentrich, P/K - Tennessee: Wild Card: 5 punts 198 yards 39.6 average 37.2 net 43 long
Carlyle Holiday, WR - Green Bay: Injured Reserve
Julius Jones, RB - Dallas: Wild Card: bye; Division: 3 rush 8 yards
Derek Landri, DT - Jacksonville: Wild Card: 1 interception 3 yds, fumble recovery, 1 sack 3 yds, 1 pass defended; Division: 1 assisted tackle, 1 quarterback hit
Sean Mahan, C - Pittsburgh: Last Week (team): 43 rush yards 2 TD, 337 pass yards 6 sacks
Luke Petitgout, T - Tampa Bay: Injured Reserve
Mike Richardson, CB - New England: practice squad/injured reserve
Allen Rossum, CB/PR - Pittsburgh: Wild Card: inactive
Hunter Smith, P - Indianapolis: Wild Card: bye; Division: 1 punt 49 yds touchback
Maurice Stovall, WR - Tampa Bay - Injured Reserve
Justin Tuck, DE - New York Giants: Wild Card: 2 tackles, 1 assisted tackle, 1 quarterback hit; Division: 1 tackle; Conference: 3 tackles, 1 assisted tackle, 1 quarterback hit, 1 pass defended; Super Bowl: 5 tackles, 1 assisted tackle, 2 sacks -14 yards, 2 quarterback hits, 1 forced fumble
Labels:
Justin Tuck,
ND Alumni NFL Playoffs
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Top Ten Ways Sports Are Better Than Politics, In Increasing Order Of How Much Those Politicians Are Missing Out
by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient
#10: In politics, no one cares if you can dunk.
#9: You can watch sports on ESPN, ABC, NBC, Fox . . . the list goes on. What do politicians get? C-SPAN.
#8: Everything can be explained with a sports metaphor. Even politics are better explained using sports metaphors. Metaphorically, politics only relate to business meetings, bad reality-TV shows, and ancient Europe.
#7: If you're looking for a political party, you really only have two mascots to choose from.
#6: Sports can have politics, but you'll never see two senators tossing a ball around the senate floor.
#5: In sports, you don't have to make shady, back-room, quasi-legal deals to make a lot of money. You just have to make a shoe commercial.
#4: In politics, overt physical violence against one's opponent on a personal level is discouraged.
#3: Cheerleaders.
#2: If you're in a political party, personal vices can get you fired. If you play a professional sport, personal vices just add to the mystique.
#1: In sports, you come crashing out of a huge hoop to rock music, fireworks, and tens of thousands of fans standing and screaming. In politics, you say "present.'
Labels:
If Klondike ran sports,
Klondike
Thursday, January 31, 2008
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
New York Knicks coach Isiah Thomas' 19-year-old son was arrested for underage drinking. His father immediately signed him to a six-year contract. The news is especially unfortunate because everything had been going so well for Isiah.
Heat center Shaquille O'Neal has indicated that he will keep playing basketball for at least two more years. The rap world is thrilled.
Nike's new Jordan 23s will cost $230 a pair. You may think that's extravagant but $115 of that goes directly to Michael Jordan's ex-wife. Wow, $230 for shoes. To afford that, you'd pretty much have to be a habitual gambler.
An arbitrator ruled that Terrell Owens owes the Philadelphia Eagles $800,000 in signing bonus money. Owens can earn this simply by skipping his next overdose.
Terrell Owens reportedly exchanged phone numbers with Paris Hilton in a Dallas nightclub, probably to discuss their mutual love of train wrecks.
Former Silver medalist boxer Amir Khan is already drawing big money and big hype, despite non-thrilling performances against ordinary opposition. Apparently "Amir Khan" is Pakistani for "Ryan Leaf."
And a group called ProjectFranchise.org is raising money to buy a professional sports team, and plans to let the fans vote on every decision. The group is based in Miami, but the Heat, Dolphins, and Marlins are not being considered. The point, after all is to buy a professional sports team.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Bill Belichick Wasn't a Complete Failure in Cleveland
Editor's Note: Multiple posts today! Scroll down to see my quick take of the Clemens Report. If you subscribed to my RSS feed, you wouldn't have to worry about missing posts on multiple posts days. Hint hint.
Joe Posnanski is a Cleveland native and the author of The Soul of Baseball, which is the story of a year in the life of Buck O'Neil. It's a fantastic book, and I need to review it on this site someday.
Anyways, Posnanski has a blog that is becoming increasingly popular among those in the baseball and sports blogospheres. In a recent post he explains that while his time in Cleveland wasn't perfect, Bill Belichick wasn't a complete failure with the Cleveland Browns.
Joe Posnanski is a Cleveland native and the author of The Soul of Baseball, which is the story of a year in the life of Buck O'Neil. It's a fantastic book, and I need to review it on this site someday.
Anyways, Posnanski has a blog that is becoming increasingly popular among those in the baseball and sports blogospheres. In a recent post he explains that while his time in Cleveland wasn't perfect, Bill Belichick wasn't a complete failure with the Cleveland Browns.
Labels:
blatant self-promotion,
Buck O'Neil
Roger Clemens Report
The report created by Roger Clemens' attorneys in an attempt to prove he didn't take steroids is now online:
http://www.rogerclemensreport.com/reports/ClemensReport.pdf
I wish I had the time to break this down fully. But scanning it, here
are some amusing highlights:
One of the authors lists himself as a black belt in Tae Kwon Do.
A random poorly-scanned chart that claims Clemens would have gone
24-3 with an ERA under 2.00 at Arlington in 2005. I'm sure it
egregiously neglects the fact that Arlington is one of the best
hitter's parks in the league, meaning he would have given up more runs
in addition to getting better run support.
Trivia of the day:
Cy Young, as the report mentions, pitched until he was 44. Legend has it
that he retired not because he couldn't pitch any more, but because
everyone started bunting against him and he was too old to get off the
mound to field the ball.
http://www.rogerclemensreport.com/reports/ClemensReport.pdf
I wish I had the time to break this down fully. But scanning it, here
are some amusing highlights:
- A list of Hall of Fame pitchers who played past age 40, to prove that
it's not uncommon. Nevermind that most of the pitchers are:- From the turn of the century, when arm-straining pitches like
sliders and split finger fastballs didn't exist. (Ironically, the
report names Clemens' addition of a splitter as one of the reasons for
his longevity). Or, - Relievers, who obviously don't pitch as much, or
- Knuckleballers and spitballers like Neikro and Gaylord Perry
- From the turn of the century, when arm-straining pitches like
24-3 with an ERA under 2.00 at Arlington in 2005. I'm sure it
egregiously neglects the fact that Arlington is one of the best
hitter's parks in the league, meaning he would have given up more runs
in addition to getting better run support.
Trivia of the day:
Cy Young, as the report mentions, pitched until he was 44. Legend has it
that he retired not because he couldn't pitch any more, but because
everyone started bunting against him and he was too old to get off the
mound to field the ball.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Read with Brady Quinn
Brady Quinn, the quarterback who makes girls go chica-chica-boom-boom, sat down as part of the Read with the Browns program to read his favorite childhood story, Chica Chica Boom Boom. The article is here; click on the "Read with the Browns" link under "Related Media" to bring up the video player.
My thoughts:
My thoughts:
- His hair is growing back nicely.
- This is a much better acting job than the EAS commercial... except for the "Oh no!" line.
- How did he get through that entire book with a straight face?
Labels:
bad sportswriter puns,
Brady Quinn
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Notre Dame Senior Bowl Recap
As I mentioned last week, Tom Zbikowski, Trevor Laws, John Sullivan, and John Carlson were selected to play in this year's Senior Bowl. Unfortunately, per Blue Gray Sky, Carlson was unable to play due to illness.
Also unfortunate is the fact that I wasn't able to see the game, so this recap comes completely from the stat sheet (PDF). Zbikowski started for the North, and recorded five tackles, good for fourth best on the team. He also recovered a fumble.
But to Notre Dame followers, the Senior Bowl was finally Trevor Laws' moment in the sun. Coming off the bench, Laws recorded six tackles, good for third on the team behind big names Dan Conner and Xavier Adibi. Laws also had a sack, and ran a fumble recovery back 6 yards. Laws played hard all year during a difficult season, and got little attention for it. But his performance during the Senior Bowl, and during the week of practice leading up to it, should raise his draft stock considerably.
UPDATE: Michael Rothstein of Irish Insights adds that Laws was named Most Outstanding Lineman and Zbikowski had a 38-yard kickoff return which was named Long Distance Play of the Game.
UPDATE #2: NFL.com's highlight video has a clip of Laws' fumble recovery and run.
Also unfortunate is the fact that I wasn't able to see the game, so this recap comes completely from the stat sheet (PDF). Zbikowski started for the North, and recorded five tackles, good for fourth best on the team. He also recovered a fumble.
But to Notre Dame followers, the Senior Bowl was finally Trevor Laws' moment in the sun. Coming off the bench, Laws recorded six tackles, good for third on the team behind big names Dan Conner and Xavier Adibi. Laws also had a sack, and ran a fumble recovery back 6 yards. Laws played hard all year during a difficult season, and got little attention for it. But his performance during the Senior Bowl, and during the week of practice leading up to it, should raise his draft stock considerably.
UPDATE: Michael Rothstein of Irish Insights adds that Laws was named Most Outstanding Lineman and Zbikowski had a 38-yard kickoff return which was named Long Distance Play of the Game.
UPDATE #2: NFL.com's highlight video has a clip of Laws' fumble recovery and run.
Labels:
John Carlson,
John Sullivan,
ND Football,
Tom Zbikowski,
Trevor Laws
Friday, January 25, 2008
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Dan Marino's cell phone went off twice on a CBS' Sprint Halftime Report. Turns out it was Tom Brady and Eli Manning, calling to rub it in.
The Super Bowl is set with the Giants and the Patriots. It's about time New York and Boston had some kind of rivalry.
Muhammad Ali Enterprises is launching an official online store. Details are still shaky.
The good news is that Justine Henin and Maria Sharapova battled at the Australian Open. The bad news is they were both fully clothed.
NCAA Division II will expand to Canada, in a new division known as the N-C-Eh-Eh.
Bobby Knight has become the first men's Division I coach to reach 900 victories. Knight thanked IKEA.
The Lakers' injury list continues to grow. Pretty soon, Kobe Bryant will run out of people to not pass to.
And Miami baller Alonzo Mourning announced he may not retire after this year. Just what Florida needs: more old people who can't drive. Why not stick around? The team's doing great with him. How bad are the Miami Heat? In comparison, the Dolphins are now just mediocre.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The New York Yankees paid a $23.5 million luxury tax, directly to the Florida Marlins. The Marlins plan on using the money to compete with the Nationals for fourth place.
Barry Bonds appeared in court this week, wearing a suit with the biggest neck hole ever.
The Michigan State Spartans benched five players from the Champs Sports Bowl, due to various violations. Among the five were defensive standouts Jonal Saint-Dic and SirDarean Adams, who were benched for having silly names.
Speaking of silly names, in tennis, Dominik Hrbaty pulled out of the Australian Open, after injuring his elbow while trying to buy a vowel.
After a 9-16 start, the Bulls fired coach Scott Skiles. Hey New York Knicks: see how easy that was? In related news, the Miami Dolphins set their coach on fire.
Golfer Lorena Ochoa was selected the AP's female athlete of the year for the second year in a row, narrowly edging out Alex Rodriguez. Tom Brady won the AP's male athlete of the year, after impregnating half the judges.
And for the first time in four years, Michelle Wie did not receive one of the four sponsors exemptions to play in the Sony Open. This year, the tournament decided to give the exemptions to golfers.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The Bejing Olympic torch will make an appearance in Tiananmen Square, before being crushed by a tank.
Knicks coach Isiah Thomas has said that all of his players are "untouchable." Much like plague victims and lepers. Despite this, Thomas believes that the women in the organization are plenty touchable.
New Jersey Net Jason Kidd is having a child with his girlfriend. Kidd is excited to be credited with the assist.
Congress called a special hearing to tell Major League Baseball to crack down on steroids. Because they've really got that whole war issue wrapped up.
Sprinter Marion Jones has been sentenced to six months in prison. But with her speed, she'll be out in three.
And double-amputee sprinter Oscar Pistorius has said he will appeal his ban from competing in the Beijing Olympics. It's nice to hear he's still stumping for change. It's a nice gesture, but legally the guy doesn't have a leg to stand on. When reached for comment, Pistorious said, "arrrrr!"
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The Detroit Lions fired offensive coordinator Mike Martz after going 1-7 in the second half. Martz was surprised as it was Detroit's best second half in ten years. The Detroit Lions had started the season 6-2 before suddenly remembering they were the Detroit Lions.
The San Francisco 49ers did not fire coach Mike Nolan, instead blaming their 5-11 season on global warming.
Marion Jones has asked a judge not to give her jail time, saying her disgrace was punishment enough. Which will set up a very convincing insanity plea. Yes, humiliation is a true substitute for jail time. Luckily for Jones, this is the same judge that ordered an armed robber to be publicly nooggied. In fairness, Jones was stripped of all of her medals. And there's no replacing those - except with the millions of dollars she got to keep.
Munich is a strong candidate for the 2018 Olympics. Because that went so well last time.
The New York Knicks are so bad, they're the forth best basketball team in the New York area, behind the Nets, the Liberty, and the NYU Violets. The Knicks are so bad that they make Miami look like they have a good team. A good football team.
And the Boston Celtics have the best record in the Eastern Conference. In fairness, most of their games are against teams in the Eastern Conference.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Maria Sharapova claimed that Women's Tennis is free from corruption. However, there are financial bonuses for grunting.
The already retired Martina Hingis has been inexplicably banned for two years for testing positive for cocaine. That'll show her. Officials learned of her cocaine problem after she snorted the service line.
New York Jets safety Kerry Rhodes is dating one of the team's offensive lineman. I'm sorry - he's dating Jennifer Hudson.
Grambling head coach Rod Broadway denied the rumor that he's leaving the school. He admitted, however, that he is named after a gay porn star.
The Dolphins fired coach Cam Cameron, just 16 games too late. The Knicks have already made an offer.
81-year-old Penn State coach Joe Paterno said he planned to honor his two-year contract. Mother Nature has yet to sign the deal.
Floyd Mayweather is mulling over a move to Mixed Martial Arts, and Roy Jones worked out with the New York Knicks. The two were no longer content with boring fans to tears in just one sport.
And Former All-Star pitcher Gerry Staley has died at the age of 87. The Yankees have since offered their condolences and a two-year contract.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The New York Knicks paid Anucha Browne Sanders $11.5 million to settle her lawsuit. Makes sense - the Knicks paying millions to someone who can't play basketball.
Wayne Huzienga says he'd be willing to sell the Dolphins, or trade them for a pro football team.
The 2012 U.S. Olympic track and field trials will be held in Eugene. A somewhat frazzled Eugene could not be reached for comment.
Alex Rodriguez said that he and agent Scott Boras are not speaking to each other. It may last the whole season, but A-Rod plans to cave in October.
Roger Clemens has denied he used steroids and said he'd love to meet his accuser face to oversized face.
In 2009, George Steinbrenner High School opens in Tampa and for the first time, Steinbrenner will be associated with the grossly underpaid. The school principal has already been fired four times.
Manny Ramirez's game-used do-rags are available for $26 on eBay. That's a bargain, considering the current price of oil.
And the New York Mets will raise ticket prices about 20% for next season. The Mets will use the extra cash to pay for all the steroids and losing. Thankfully, ticket prices will decrease by 7% over the last 17 games of the season.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The New York Yankees paid a $23.5 million luxury tax, directly to the Florida Marlins. The Marlins plan on using the money to compete with the Nationals for fourth place.
Barry Bonds appeared in court this week, wearing a suit with the biggest neck hole ever.
The Michigan State Spartans benched five players from the Champs Sports Bowl, due to various violations. Among the five were defensive standouts Jonal Saint-Dic and SirDarean Adams, who were benched for having silly names.
Speaking of silly names, in tennis, Dominik Hrbaty pulled out of the Australian Open, after injuring his elbow while trying to buy a vowel.
After a 9-16 start, the Bulls fired coach Scott Skiles. Hey New York Knicks: see how easy that was? In related news, the Miami Dolphins set their coach on fire.
Golfer Lorena Ochoa was selected the AP's female athlete of the year for the second year in a row, narrowly edging out Alex Rodriguez. Tom Brady won the AP's male athlete of the year, after impregnating half the judges.
And for the first time in four years, Michelle Wie did not receive one of the four sponsors exemptions to play in the Sony Open. This year, the tournament decided to give the exemptions to golfers.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The Bejing Olympic torch will make an appearance in Tiananmen Square, before being crushed by a tank.
Knicks coach Isiah Thomas has said that all of his players are "untouchable." Much like plague victims and lepers. Despite this, Thomas believes that the women in the organization are plenty touchable.
New Jersey Net Jason Kidd is having a child with his girlfriend. Kidd is excited to be credited with the assist.
Congress called a special hearing to tell Major League Baseball to crack down on steroids. Because they've really got that whole war issue wrapped up.
Sprinter Marion Jones has been sentenced to six months in prison. But with her speed, she'll be out in three.
And double-amputee sprinter Oscar Pistorius has said he will appeal his ban from competing in the Beijing Olympics. It's nice to hear he's still stumping for change. It's a nice gesture, but legally the guy doesn't have a leg to stand on. When reached for comment, Pistorious said, "arrrrr!"
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The Detroit Lions fired offensive coordinator Mike Martz after going 1-7 in the second half. Martz was surprised as it was Detroit's best second half in ten years. The Detroit Lions had started the season 6-2 before suddenly remembering they were the Detroit Lions.
The San Francisco 49ers did not fire coach Mike Nolan, instead blaming their 5-11 season on global warming.
Marion Jones has asked a judge not to give her jail time, saying her disgrace was punishment enough. Which will set up a very convincing insanity plea. Yes, humiliation is a true substitute for jail time. Luckily for Jones, this is the same judge that ordered an armed robber to be publicly nooggied. In fairness, Jones was stripped of all of her medals. And there's no replacing those - except with the millions of dollars she got to keep.
Munich is a strong candidate for the 2018 Olympics. Because that went so well last time.
The New York Knicks are so bad, they're the forth best basketball team in the New York area, behind the Nets, the Liberty, and the NYU Violets. The Knicks are so bad that they make Miami look like they have a good team. A good football team.
And the Boston Celtics have the best record in the Eastern Conference. In fairness, most of their games are against teams in the Eastern Conference.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Maria Sharapova claimed that Women's Tennis is free from corruption. However, there are financial bonuses for grunting.
The already retired Martina Hingis has been inexplicably banned for two years for testing positive for cocaine. That'll show her. Officials learned of her cocaine problem after she snorted the service line.
New York Jets safety Kerry Rhodes is dating one of the team's offensive lineman. I'm sorry - he's dating Jennifer Hudson.
Grambling head coach Rod Broadway denied the rumor that he's leaving the school. He admitted, however, that he is named after a gay porn star.
The Dolphins fired coach Cam Cameron, just 16 games too late. The Knicks have already made an offer.
81-year-old Penn State coach Joe Paterno said he planned to honor his two-year contract. Mother Nature has yet to sign the deal.
Floyd Mayweather is mulling over a move to Mixed Martial Arts, and Roy Jones worked out with the New York Knicks. The two were no longer content with boring fans to tears in just one sport.
And Former All-Star pitcher Gerry Staley has died at the age of 87. The Yankees have since offered their condolences and a two-year contract.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The New York Knicks paid Anucha Browne Sanders $11.5 million to settle her lawsuit. Makes sense - the Knicks paying millions to someone who can't play basketball.
Wayne Huzienga says he'd be willing to sell the Dolphins, or trade them for a pro football team.
The 2012 U.S. Olympic track and field trials will be held in Eugene. A somewhat frazzled Eugene could not be reached for comment.
Alex Rodriguez said that he and agent Scott Boras are not speaking to each other. It may last the whole season, but A-Rod plans to cave in October.
Roger Clemens has denied he used steroids and said he'd love to meet his accuser face to oversized face.
In 2009, George Steinbrenner High School opens in Tampa and for the first time, Steinbrenner will be associated with the grossly underpaid. The school principal has already been fired four times.
Manny Ramirez's game-used do-rags are available for $26 on eBay. That's a bargain, considering the current price of oil.
And the New York Mets will raise ticket prices about 20% for next season. The Mets will use the extra cash to pay for all the steroids and losing. Thankfully, ticket prices will decrease by 7% over the last 17 games of the season.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
Monday, January 21, 2008
News and Notes
- At the bottom of each post, I've added a button that will let you bookmark the post to Digg, Reddit, etc., if you're into that sort of thing.
- I also included links to the site's two RSS feeds at the bottom of each post, so please give those a try. If either of these two updates is an eyesore, please let me know.
- On Facebook? Join the KankaNation group!
- I'm hoping to have the countdown clock up again soon. Please check out this thread on the message board and chime in on who should be on this year's clock.
- Congratulations to Justin Tuck, who celebrated a 10 sack season with a huge contract extension. Oh, and he's going to the Super Bowl.
- If you believe the stories, even only to a small extent, Josh Gibson may have been the greatest ballplayer ever. So, I often wondered, why did he never make it to the Major Leagues? Sadly, Gibson died of a brain tumor in January 1947, mere months before Jackie Robinson made his famous debut.
Recent posts, in case you missed them:
- The KankaSports Hall of Fame Class of 2008
- My annual email correspondence with Dave about this year's baseball hall of fame class
- Klondike's interpretations of various crowd cheers and jeers
- Notre Dame Men's and Women's Basketball and Men's Hockey schedule
- Some Cleveland Indians news
- Zbikowski, Laws, Carlson, and Sullivan to play in next Saturday's Senior Bowl
- Notre Dame Alumni in the NFL Playoffs update
Finally, what better a day to post one of my all-time favorite Fr. Hesburgh pictures:
Labels:
Dave,
Fr. Ted,
Justin Tuck,
Klondike,
Site News
Notre Dame Alumni in the NFL Playoffs
Rocky Boiman, LB - Indianapolis: Wild Card: bye; Division: 1 special teams assisted tackle
Jerome Collins, TE - New York Giants: Wild Card: inactive; Division: inactive; Conference: inactive
Anthony Fasano, TE - Dallas: Wild Card: bye; Division: 1 catch 5 yards
Marcus Freeman, TE - New York Giants: practice squad
David Givens, WR - Tennessee: Physically Unable to Perform
Ryan Grant, RB - Green Bay: Wild Card: bye; Division: 27 rush 201 yards 3 TD, 2 receptions 3 yards, 2 fumbles; Conference: 13 rush 29 yards, 1 reception -3 yards, 1 forced fumble
Craig Hentrich, P/K - Tennessee: Wild Card: 5 punts 198 yards 39.6 average 37.2 net 43 long
Carlyle Holiday, WR - Green Bay: Injured Reserve
Julius Jones, RB - Dallas: Wild Card: bye; Division: 3 rush 8 yards
Derek Landri, DT - Jacksonville: Wild Card: 1 interception 3 yds, fumble recovery, 1 sack 3 yds, 1 pass defended; Division: 1 assisted tackle, 1 quarterback hit
Sean Mahan, C - Pittsburgh: Last Week (team): 43 rush yards 2 TD, 337 pass yards 6 sacks
Luke Petitgout, T - Tampa Bay: Injured Reserve
Allen Rossum, CB/PR - Pittsburgh: Wild Card: inactive
Hunter Smith, P - Indianapolis: Wild Card: bye; Division: 1 punt 49 yds touchback
Maurice Stovall, WR - Tampa Bay - Injured Reserve
Justin Tuck, DE - New York Giants: Wild Card: 2 tackles, 1 assisted tackle, 1 quarterback hit; Division: 1 tackle; Conference: 3 tackles, 1 assisted tackle, 1 quarterback hit, 1 pass defended
Jerome Collins, TE - New York Giants: Wild Card: inactive; Division: inactive; Conference: inactive
Anthony Fasano, TE - Dallas: Wild Card: bye; Division: 1 catch 5 yards
Marcus Freeman, TE - New York Giants: practice squad
David Givens, WR - Tennessee: Physically Unable to Perform
Ryan Grant, RB - Green Bay: Wild Card: bye; Division: 27 rush 201 yards 3 TD, 2 receptions 3 yards, 2 fumbles; Conference: 13 rush 29 yards, 1 reception -3 yards, 1 forced fumble
Craig Hentrich, P/K - Tennessee: Wild Card: 5 punts 198 yards 39.6 average 37.2 net 43 long
Carlyle Holiday, WR - Green Bay: Injured Reserve
Julius Jones, RB - Dallas: Wild Card: bye; Division: 3 rush 8 yards
Derek Landri, DT - Jacksonville: Wild Card: 1 interception 3 yds, fumble recovery, 1 sack 3 yds, 1 pass defended; Division: 1 assisted tackle, 1 quarterback hit
Sean Mahan, C - Pittsburgh: Last Week (team): 43 rush yards 2 TD, 337 pass yards 6 sacks
Luke Petitgout, T - Tampa Bay: Injured Reserve
Allen Rossum, CB/PR - Pittsburgh: Wild Card: inactive
Hunter Smith, P - Indianapolis: Wild Card: bye; Division: 1 punt 49 yds touchback
Maurice Stovall, WR - Tampa Bay - Injured Reserve
Justin Tuck, DE - New York Giants: Wild Card: 2 tackles, 1 assisted tackle, 1 quarterback hit; Division: 1 tackle; Conference: 3 tackles, 1 assisted tackle, 1 quarterback hit, 1 pass defended
Labels:
Justin Tuck,
ND Alumni NFL Playoffs,
Ryan Grant
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Four Notre Dame Stars to Play in Senior Bowl
Notre Dame was shut out of the Hula Bowl and the East-West Shrine game, but Tom Zbikowski, Trevor Laws, John Carlson, and John Sullivan were added to the Senior Bowl roster this year. The Senior Bowl is the most prestigious of all postseason graduate bowls, as it features a heavy dose of NFL scouts and coaches.
The game is next Saturday, January 26, at 3:00 Eastern. Now the bad news - it's on the NFL Network. (However, if you do get the NFL Network, you should also be able to watch the full week of Senior Bowl practices leading up to the game.)
The game is next Saturday, January 26, at 3:00 Eastern. Now the bad news - it's on the NFL Network. (However, if you do get the NFL Network, you should also be able to watch the full week of Senior Bowl practices leading up to the game.)
Labels:
ND Football
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Cleveland Indians News
Baseball America just released their free list of this year's Cleveland Indians Top 10 Prospects. There's a decent amount of moving and shaking, as seen by comparing last year's projected 2010 lineup to this year's projected 2011 lineup. Per BA, Ryan Garko's emergence will keep Victor Martinez behind the plate, at least 4 out of every 5 games. Most Cleveland fans have already permanently replaced Josh Barfield with Asdrubal Cabrera. But the big surprise is at third base. Sure, many are already calling Andy Marte a bust. But not many people have 2007 first round pick Beau Mills as the Tribe's hot corner man of the future already. Heck, when he was drafted, some questioned whether Mills had the glove to even play third base professionally.
In the outfield, Nick Weglarz replaces Trevor Crowe, who had a fall from grace after a failed experiment at 2B towards the end of 2006. Of course, in 2008 Crowe will be eager to prove he should still be in Cleveland's future plans. The rest of the lineup and rotation, and the closer's role, are rounded out by guys who established themselves in 2007 - Franklin Gutierrez, Fausto Carmona, Aaron Laffey, Rafael Perez - and two guys who have the talent to be knocking on the door in 2008 - Adam Miller and Chuck Lofgren.
For those of you who prefer listening to reading, check out Baseball Prospectus' radio page for an interview with Indians Assistant GM Chris Antonetti. Antonetti was one of the hottest commodities in the future GM market, until he signed a deal to stay and Cleveland and become Mark Shapiro's successor when Shapiro is eventually promoted to team president.
In the outfield, Nick Weglarz replaces Trevor Crowe, who had a fall from grace after a failed experiment at 2B towards the end of 2006. Of course, in 2008 Crowe will be eager to prove he should still be in Cleveland's future plans. The rest of the lineup and rotation, and the closer's role, are rounded out by guys who established themselves in 2007 - Franklin Gutierrez, Fausto Carmona, Aaron Laffey, Rafael Perez - and two guys who have the talent to be knocking on the door in 2008 - Adam Miller and Chuck Lofgren.
For those of you who prefer listening to reading, check out Baseball Prospectus' radio page for an interview with Indians Assistant GM Chris Antonetti. Antonetti was one of the hottest commodities in the future GM market, until he signed a deal to stay and Cleveland and become Mark Shapiro's successor when Shapiro is eventually promoted to team president.
Labels:
Cleveland Indians
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Notre Dame Alumni in the NFL Playoffs
Rocky Boiman, LB - Indianapolis: Last Week: bye; This Week: 1 special teams assisted tackle
Jerome Collins, TE - New York Giants: Last Week: inactive; This Week: inactive
Anthony Fasano, TE - Dallas: Last Week: bye; This Week: 1 catch 5 yards
Marcus Freeman, TE - New York Giants: practice squad
David Givens, WR - Tennessee: Physically Unable to Perform
Ryan Grant, RB - Green Bay: Last Week: bye; This Week: 27 rush 201 yards 3 TD, 2 receptions 3 yards, 2 fumbles
Craig Hentrich, P/K - Tennessee: Last Week: 5 punts 198 yards 39.6 average 37.2 net 43 long
Carlyle Holiday, WR - Green Bay: Injured Reserve
Julius Jones, RB - Dallas: Last Week: bye; This Week: 3 rush 8 yards
Derek Landri, DT - Jacksonville: Last Week: 1 interception 3 yds, fumble recovery, 1 sack 3 yds, 1 pass defended; This Week: 1 assisted tackle, 1 quarterback hit
Sean Mahan, C - Pittsburgh: Last Week (team): 43 rush yards 2 TD, 337 pass yards 6 sacks
Luke Petitgout, T - Tampa Bay: Injured Reserve
Allen Rossum, CB/PR - Pittsburgh: Last Week: inactive
Hunter Smith, P - Indianapolis: Last Week: bye; This Week: 1 punt 49 yds touchback
Maurice Stovall, WR - Tampa Bay - Injured Reserve
Justin Tuck, DE - New York Giants: Last Week: 2 tackles, 1 assisted tackle, 1 quarterback hit; This Week: 1 tackle
In addition, several coaches with Notre Dame ties are in the playoffs. I didn't have time to track down stats, or even to find everyone that may be associated with ND, but these few jumped out:
Green Bay: Tom Clements Quarterbacks Coach, Kurt Schottenheimer Secondary Coach
Jacksonville: Andy Heck Offensive Line Coach
New England: Dean Pees Defensive Coordinator
Tampa Bay: Jim Gruden Personnel Consultant
Jerome Collins, TE - New York Giants: Last Week: inactive; This Week: inactive
Anthony Fasano, TE - Dallas: Last Week: bye; This Week: 1 catch 5 yards
Marcus Freeman, TE - New York Giants: practice squad
David Givens, WR - Tennessee: Physically Unable to Perform
Ryan Grant, RB - Green Bay: Last Week: bye; This Week: 27 rush 201 yards 3 TD, 2 receptions 3 yards, 2 fumbles
Craig Hentrich, P/K - Tennessee: Last Week: 5 punts 198 yards 39.6 average 37.2 net 43 long
Carlyle Holiday, WR - Green Bay: Injured Reserve
Julius Jones, RB - Dallas: Last Week: bye; This Week: 3 rush 8 yards
Derek Landri, DT - Jacksonville: Last Week: 1 interception 3 yds, fumble recovery, 1 sack 3 yds, 1 pass defended; This Week: 1 assisted tackle, 1 quarterback hit
Sean Mahan, C - Pittsburgh: Last Week (team): 43 rush yards 2 TD, 337 pass yards 6 sacks
Luke Petitgout, T - Tampa Bay: Injured Reserve
Allen Rossum, CB/PR - Pittsburgh: Last Week: inactive
Hunter Smith, P - Indianapolis: Last Week: bye; This Week: 1 punt 49 yds touchback
Maurice Stovall, WR - Tampa Bay - Injured Reserve
Justin Tuck, DE - New York Giants: Last Week: 2 tackles, 1 assisted tackle, 1 quarterback hit; This Week: 1 tackle
In addition, several coaches with Notre Dame ties are in the playoffs. I didn't have time to track down stats, or even to find everyone that may be associated with ND, but these few jumped out:
Green Bay: Tom Clements Quarterbacks Coach, Kurt Schottenheimer Secondary Coach
Jacksonville: Andy Heck Offensive Line Coach
New England: Dean Pees Defensive Coordinator
Tampa Bay: Jim Gruden Personnel Consultant
Labels:
Derek Landri,
ND Alumni NFL Playoffs
Notre Dame Winter Sports Schedule
If you're like me, you've had a difficult time following Notre Dame's winter sports after graduating. Football is easy - you just turn on the TV every Saturday, and there they are. But the basketball and hockey teams play at irregular times during the week, and they're not always on TV. That's why I came up with this consolidated schedule, complete with TV listings. In the words of a certain SDH card swiper, "Enjoy."
Click here to see the entire schedule in a new window.
Click here to see the entire schedule in a new window.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Twelve Rough Translations Of The Things That The Spectators Are Yelling At You, In Increasing Magnitude Of Subtle Nuance
by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient
Editor's Note: Scroll down for Dave and my annual email exchange about the Baseball Hall of Fame inductions.
#12
What They Are Yelling: "Boo!"
Rough Translation: You just participated in something very bad. Intentions do not matter. Bad luck does not matter. Not being a savant does not matter. What matters is that you are entirely responsible for bad things happening, and that you must mend your ways immediately. From this moment forward, remember what you have just done, and take all necessary steps to ensure that it never happens again.
#11
What They Are Yelling: "Whoo!"
Rough Translation: You just did something very good. The spectators find this acceptable, and their collective expectations concerning your future endeavors have been raised. Remember what you just did, because you are now expected to repeat it unfailingly for the rest of your career.
#10
What They Are Yelling: "Defense!"
Rough Translation: Your opposition is maneuvering in a way that is disadvantageous to you. You must immediately ascertain how and why, and take appropriate mitigating action to the utmost extent that you are able. If the opposition's maneuvers are successful in any way, it is your fault, and you are a bad person.
#9
What They Are Yelling: "Throw the Ball!"
Rough Translation: You currently have a ball of some kind in your possession. This is unacceptable. Get rid of this ball immediately. Do everything you can to get the ball as far away from you as possible. Propelling the ball with your arm(s) is fine, but dropping and/or kicking the ball will probably be frowned upon.
#8
What They Are Yelling: "Catch the Ball!"
Rough Translation: You currently do not have a ball of some kind in your possession. This is unacceptable. Fortunately, there may be some kind of ball heading in your general direction. Position yourself in such a fashion as to intercept the ball. Once again, it is usually important that you do not subsequently drop or kick the ball.
#7
What They Are Yelling: "Run The Ball!"
Rough Translation: You currently have a ball of some kind at Point A. It is imperative that both you and the ball arrive at Point B as expeditiously as possible. Forget about your teammates, your game-plan, your coach and your mother; all you need to know is that you are at Point A, and this is unacceptable.
#6
What They Are Yelling: "Go!"
Rough Translation: Usually, this indicates that the situation you are in requires you to run as fast as you can. Do not stop. Do not think. Do not throw anything or look for anyone or wait for conditions to improve. Run, and keep running until an appropriate authority indicates otherwise. Alternately, this could be a general exhortation to succeed, but it is best to be safe and just start running.
#5
What They Are Yelling: "Go-Go-Go!"
Rough Translation: The situation you are in requires you to run faster than any human has ever run, ever. You should run so fast that you cannot stop without arrestor cables and drogue parachutes. You should run so fast that Zombie Einstein will have to come up with a new mass-energy equation just for you. If you have tunnel vision, it means you can still see, and you aren't running fast enough. Scream, if you like; if you run as fast as your situation requires, no one will hear you.
#4
What They Are Yelling: "Go For It!"
Rough Translation: You are currently faced with a number of options. One of those options involves an inordinately high degree of risk. This is the option you must take, regardless of the level of any possible reward. Success will validate the collective tactical genius of the spectators. Failure will be entirely your fault, because you are fundamentally incapable.
#3
What They Are Yelling: "Go! Fight! Win! Yay!"
Rough Translation: Those are not spectators. Those are cheerleaders. Get your head in the game.
#2
What They Are Yelling: "Get Him!"
Rough Translation: A member of the opposition is living, breathing, and doing something to further the designs of the opposition. He should be doing none of these things, and it is your task to make it so. Efficiency in this endeavor is good, but thoroughness is better.
#1
What They Are Yelling: "You Suck!"
Rough Translation: Your recent performance was breathtakingly abysmal, and the consequences are too horrifying to contemplate. Call your mother, your grandmother, a priest, the Whiskey Monster, and Santa Claus, but don't expect forgiveness because they will not give it to you. A Hall Of Shame will be founded specifically to enshrine your actions. This house of horrors will subsequently be closed due to the singular, unmatchable nadir of your atrocities, and finally burned to the ground in an unsuccessful attempt to expunge the disgrace that you have inflicted upon the world. You should move to a snow-blasted island somewhere in the Canadian arctic, because nobody will ever love you or accept you, or even acknowledge you as a fellow human being, for the rest of eternity.
Labels:
If Klondike ran sports,
Klondike
Dave and Kanka's Annual Baseball Hall of Fame Email Conversation
From: Dave
To: Kanka
10:28 AM
Hall of Fame announcements are today. Here's my ballot:
In:
Goose Gossage. Having not lived through his era, I didn't realize his greatness until I really started reading about him. Lots of things that can't be captured through today's conventional game.
Jack Morris. If I have to explain this again this year, then you clearly haven't been paying attention to my emails the last few years.
Close but no cigar:
Jim Rice. I wouldn't have a big problem if he got in, since he did have some dominant years, but I don't know enough about him.
Andre Dawson. He was really good, but when people say they're voting for him, they inevitably say, "he'd be a shoe-in if he wasn't hurt all the time." Umm, but he was, and it affected his body of work over the course of his career.
Todd Stottlemyre. Kidding, just seeing if you're paying attention.
From: Kanka
To: Dave
11:09 AM
Here's someone who's keeping track of published ballots:
http://www.meadowparty.com/blog/?p=118
Here's an abbreviated look at where I stand right now. My opinion may
or may not change over the course of the day:
In:
Gossage
Burt Blyleven - Very good for a very long period of time. I tend to
award longevity - hey, if you're good enough to stay in the league for
that long, you much be doing something right.
On the fence yes:
Morris - I know you're a huge fan. I just need to go back and check
my notes again.
On the fence maybe:
Rock Raines - Quietly put up big numbers for a long time. He won't
get in this year, but I'm curious to see how well he does.
I'm not allowed to comment since I'm on the committee, but he did play
for the Big Red Machine:
Dave Concepcion
From: Dave
To: Kanka
11:36 AM
Ummmm....what committee are you on that you can't discuss Dave
Concepcion?
I won't tell my grandkids someday about the greatness of Bert Blyleven
(nor would I had I actually seen him pitch, according to most things
I've read, so he's out. I dunno
From: Kanka
To: Dave
1:27 PM
That was a Joe Morgan reference. Every time he's asked about the Hall
of Fame, he always says, "I don't like talking about particular
candidates because I'm on the Veteran's Committee. But Dave
Concepcion should be in." It's a running joke on FireJoeMorgan.
Looking back at Blyleven's stats, he was good but not dominating. So
he's borderline too. I somehow can't find all of your old Jack Morris
emails. So in a nutshell, what's the argument again? If you're
putting him in just for the 10-inning playoff game, you might as well
induct the 74-76 Len Barker for his one perfect game.
From: Dave
To: Kanka
1:58 PM
Jack Morris:
254-186 lifetime, probably the best pitcher for the complete period
79-92. Yeah, borderline, but I still think he's a bad-ass
http://www.baseball-reference.com/m/morrija02.shtml
From: Kanka
To: Dave
2:25 PM
1979-92:
Morris: 233-162, 3378 IP, 2199 K, 3.73 ERA
Blyleven: 151-127, 2583 IP, 1791 K, 3.94 ERA
But Blyleven is older than Morris. Morris was 24 in '79 and 37 in
'92. Blyleven was the same age from '75-'88. During that time,
Blyleven: 174-151, 3126 IP, 2337 K, 3.58 ERA
Morris was a hoss, no doubt. But do we penalize Blyleven for playing
on crappier teams?
From: Dave
To: Kanka
2:31 PM
Alright, you got me. Although I still feel like I could someday talk
about how great Jack Morris was, while Blyleven just doesn't fell "Hall
of Fame" to me. So, to my fallback position:
"The only time I want to talk to a woman when I'm naked is if I'm on top
of her or she's on top of me."
-- Former Tigers pitcher Jack Morris on female sportswriters
From: Kanka
To: Dave
3:42 PM
Ah yes, I remember the quote. That puts him over the top.
If it makes you feel better, every time the Indians come to Minnesota,
both teams' announcers get together and talk about why Blyleven should
be in the Hall.
My final vote, since I'm soft:
Gossage
Blyleven
Morris
Raines
PS It's Gossage:
http://web.baseballhalloffame.org/hofers/voting_year.jsp?year=2008
From: Kanka
To: Dave
5:21 PM
Oh, and Buck O'Neil. Dah.
To: Kanka
10:28 AM
Hall of Fame announcements are today. Here's my ballot:
In:
Goose Gossage. Having not lived through his era, I didn't realize his greatness until I really started reading about him. Lots of things that can't be captured through today's conventional game.
Jack Morris. If I have to explain this again this year, then you clearly haven't been paying attention to my emails the last few years.
Close but no cigar:
Jim Rice. I wouldn't have a big problem if he got in, since he did have some dominant years, but I don't know enough about him.
Andre Dawson. He was really good, but when people say they're voting for him, they inevitably say, "he'd be a shoe-in if he wasn't hurt all the time." Umm, but he was, and it affected his body of work over the course of his career.
Todd Stottlemyre. Kidding, just seeing if you're paying attention.
From: Kanka
To: Dave
11:09 AM
Here's someone who's keeping track of published ballots:
http://www.meadowparty.com/blog/?p=118
Here's an abbreviated look at where I stand right now. My opinion may
or may not change over the course of the day:
In:
Gossage
Burt Blyleven - Very good for a very long period of time. I tend to
award longevity - hey, if you're good enough to stay in the league for
that long, you much be doing something right.
On the fence yes:
Morris - I know you're a huge fan. I just need to go back and check
my notes again.
On the fence maybe:
Rock Raines - Quietly put up big numbers for a long time. He won't
get in this year, but I'm curious to see how well he does.
I'm not allowed to comment since I'm on the committee, but he did play
for the Big Red Machine:
Dave Concepcion
From: Dave
To: Kanka
11:36 AM
Ummmm....what committee are you on that you can't discuss Dave
Concepcion?
I won't tell my grandkids someday about the greatness of Bert Blyleven
(nor would I had I actually seen him pitch, according to most things
I've read, so he's out. I dunno
From: Kanka
To: Dave
1:27 PM
That was a Joe Morgan reference. Every time he's asked about the Hall
of Fame, he always says, "I don't like talking about particular
candidates because I'm on the Veteran's Committee. But Dave
Concepcion should be in." It's a running joke on FireJoeMorgan.
Looking back at Blyleven's stats, he was good but not dominating. So
he's borderline too. I somehow can't find all of your old Jack Morris
emails. So in a nutshell, what's the argument again? If you're
putting him in just for the 10-inning playoff game, you might as well
induct the 74-76 Len Barker for his one perfect game.
From: Dave
To: Kanka
1:58 PM
Jack Morris:
254-186 lifetime, probably the best pitcher for the complete period
79-92. Yeah, borderline, but I still think he's a bad-ass
http://www.baseball-reference.com/m/morrija02.shtml
From: Kanka
To: Dave
2:25 PM
1979-92:
Morris: 233-162, 3378 IP, 2199 K, 3.73 ERA
Blyleven: 151-127, 2583 IP, 1791 K, 3.94 ERA
But Blyleven is older than Morris. Morris was 24 in '79 and 37 in
'92. Blyleven was the same age from '75-'88. During that time,
Blyleven: 174-151, 3126 IP, 2337 K, 3.58 ERA
Morris was a hoss, no doubt. But do we penalize Blyleven for playing
on crappier teams?
From: Dave
To: Kanka
2:31 PM
Alright, you got me. Although I still feel like I could someday talk
about how great Jack Morris was, while Blyleven just doesn't fell "Hall
of Fame" to me. So, to my fallback position:
"The only time I want to talk to a woman when I'm naked is if I'm on top
of her or she's on top of me."
-- Former Tigers pitcher Jack Morris on female sportswriters
From: Kanka
To: Dave
3:42 PM
Ah yes, I remember the quote. That puts him over the top.
If it makes you feel better, every time the Indians come to Minnesota,
both teams' announcers get together and talk about why Blyleven should
be in the Hall.
My final vote, since I'm soft:
Gossage
Blyleven
Morris
Raines
PS It's Gossage:
http://web.baseballhalloffame.org/hofers/voting_year.jsp?year=2008
From: Kanka
To: Dave
5:21 PM
Oh, and Buck O'Neil. Dah.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
The Class of 2008
We had excellent voter turnout this year, with 10 people turning in ballots. Due to the diversity of picks, I set 5 as the number of votes needed for induction this year. Without further ado, here are the four inductees, all of whom received exactly 5 votes.,
Charlie Weis, Jr.: Charlie Jr., seen here with his family, joins his father in the our Hall of Fame. Charlie Sr., class of 2006, and Jr. make up the first father-son combo in the HOF. Junior is an inspiration to high school freshman everywhere; his hobbies include philanthropy, breaking down game film for St. Joseph's high, and hanging out with Ellen's dad.
Fr. Theodore M. Hesburgh, CSC: As Andy said on his ballot, "The reasons are too numerous to list." If you haven't read God, Country, Notre Dame, Travels with Ted and Ned, or any of Hesburgh's other works yet, do yourself a favor and visit your local library right now. I don't even care if don't finish reading the rest of this column - go now! On a personal note, this is my favorite picture of Fr. Ted. And there are many to choose from. He's posed with popes and presidents. A picture of him and Martin Luther King, Jr., belting out a hymn at a Chicago peace rally, was just named a national treasure. Then there's the Time cover that I hope to have hanging in my house some day. Fr. Hesburgh - what else is there to say?
Patrick Hatton: The first recruit in what is already becoming a very impressive recruiting class of '27, Patrick very nearly made the Hall of Fame on his first try last year, missing by just one vote. The kid just turned two, and he can already yell for a loose ball, Hike Step, play trombone, and say "Kanka."
Peter Gammons: I'd like to thank Dave's influential voting block for helping to get Peter in the Hall. Without Gammons, my fantasy baseball team would probably be called Starkesquity, and that just doesn't have the same ring to it. A legendary baseball writer, Peter Gammons is one of the true inspirations for this site. I never got a chance to meet Kurt Vonnegut, and balked at my lone chance to meet Hal Lebovitz, so my next goal in life is to meet the man from the front of the $20 bill.
Here are this year's also-rans. As you can see, Fr. Sorin just missed induction. He and all of the other multiple vote getters will receive a carryover vote next year.
Charlie Weis, Jr.: Charlie Jr., seen here with his family, joins his father in the our Hall of Fame. Charlie Sr., class of 2006, and Jr. make up the first father-son combo in the HOF. Junior is an inspiration to high school freshman everywhere; his hobbies include philanthropy, breaking down game film for St. Joseph's high, and hanging out with Ellen's dad.
Fr. Theodore M. Hesburgh, CSC: As Andy said on his ballot, "The reasons are too numerous to list." If you haven't read God, Country, Notre Dame, Travels with Ted and Ned, or any of Hesburgh's other works yet, do yourself a favor and visit your local library right now. I don't even care if don't finish reading the rest of this column - go now! On a personal note, this is my favorite picture of Fr. Ted. And there are many to choose from. He's posed with popes and presidents. A picture of him and Martin Luther King, Jr., belting out a hymn at a Chicago peace rally, was just named a national treasure. Then there's the Time cover that I hope to have hanging in my house some day. Fr. Hesburgh - what else is there to say?
Patrick Hatton: The first recruit in what is already becoming a very impressive recruiting class of '27, Patrick very nearly made the Hall of Fame on his first try last year, missing by just one vote. The kid just turned two, and he can already yell for a loose ball, Hike Step, play trombone, and say "Kanka."
Peter Gammons: I'd like to thank Dave's influential voting block for helping to get Peter in the Hall. Without Gammons, my fantasy baseball team would probably be called Starkesquity, and that just doesn't have the same ring to it. A legendary baseball writer, Peter Gammons is one of the true inspirations for this site. I never got a chance to meet Kurt Vonnegut, and balked at my lone chance to meet Hal Lebovitz, so my next goal in life is to meet the man from the front of the $20 bill.
Here are this year's also-rans. As you can see, Fr. Sorin just missed induction. He and all of the other multiple vote getters will receive a carryover vote next year.
| Name | Total | Comment |
|---|---|---|
| Fr. Sorin | 4 | Without him I probably would have ended up at a place like Penn State or Boston college... actually, with those options, I might have just skipped college altogether. |
| Fr. Joyce | 3 | Rivals Barney Rubble and Robin for best sidekick ever. |
| Peyton Manning | 3 | |
| Sam Sanchez | 3 | |
| Buck O'Neil | 2 | This one's for Kanka. |
| Erin | 2 | Who is sadly missing from the message board. |
| Knute Rockne | 2 | FOOTBALL!!! |
| Mr. T | 2 | Crazy Man Pick |
| Rebecca Rose Hatton | 2 | New Member Pick |
| Adrian Peterson (MIN) | 1 | Fantasy stud. |
| American Flag guy from the road by WNDU | 1 | |
| Basil Moreau, CSC | 1 | |
| Blue-Cheese-Stuffed Olives | 1 | Beverage Garnish Pick: http://www.dibruno.com/Detail.bok?no=608 |
| Brady Quinn | 1 | |
| Buzzwinkle | 1 | Drunkard Pick: http://www.adn.com/front/story/9483457p-9394676c.html |
| Carl Monday | 1 | |
| Christopher Walken | 1 | |
| Coach Jackson (hockey) | 1 | |
| Crazy Moustache Guy | 1 | Moustache Pick: http://netramblings.files.wordpress.com/2007/09/moustache.jpg |
| Dave Schmitt | 1 | KankaMatic Champion |
| David Bruton | 1 | |
| David Wright | 1 | Favorite baseball player. |
| EA Sports NCAA Footbal series | 1 | There is no off-season. This series of games has fed our off-season hunger for college football just enugh so that we don't need a straight-jacket. Has led to a great deal of creativity and has sustained such imaginary legends as Sigmund Jalepeno. |
| Exavier "Nook" Logan | 1 | Editor's Pick (Klondike let me pick one name from the Mitchell Report, so I chose a name I thought he'd like. FP Santangelo is probably the coolest name on the list, but I figured it was too French Canadian-sounding for Klondike to like it.) |
| Gin | 1 | |
| Guitar Hero 3 | 1 | |
| Jerome Bettis | 1 | |
| Jessica Simpson | 1 | She's hot and helped the Boys lose to the Birds! |
| Kanka's Cell Phone | 1 | Beep boop bop beep boop |
| Ken Hanlon | 1 | Trombone Pick: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_Trombone_Association |
| Kerri Hanks | 1 | |
| Mark McGwire | 1 | At least he admitted to doing Andro. |
| Matt Holliday | 1 | Helped me win a KM Baseball crown! |
| Michelle Weisenhoffer | 1 | She does flip throws, now that's cool. |
| Nachos | 1 | Mmmm. |
| National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So) | 1 | Entertainment Pick |
| Notre Dame Stadium | 1 | The House that Rock Built. Greatest place to watch a game, whether from the field or stands. Keeps the old school alive with the absence of video replay boards and with the school bands playing the only music heard during the game. |
| Pete Rose | 1 | Deserves to be in A Hall of Fame! |
| Puck | 1 | Beloved dog of Andy Wolkiewicz. He was a good, loyal, and faithful dog who wore his Notre Dame dog collar with pride every day for seven straight years. Passed away unexpectedly on December 29, 2007, likely due to complications associated with epilepsy. May he rest in peace. |
| Ronald McDonald | 1 | |
| Roy Williams (DAL) | 1 | Suspension for namesake penalty. |
| Sal | 1 | KankaNation Pick |
| Sammy Sosa | 1 | Hit #600. |
| Sean Connery | 1 | Classic Pick |
| The "enjoy" lady at SDH | 1 | |
| TO | 1 | Favorite football player. |
| Touchdown Jesus | 1 | This is probably the most famous mural in the United States. Gets plenty of TV time on Saturdays, even if ND isn't playing at home. |
| Trevor Laws | 1 |
Labels:
Brady Quinn,
Charlie Jr.,
Dave,
Ellen,
Erin,
Fr. Ted,
Gammonsesquity,
Hal Lebovitz,
Hatton,
KankaNation Hall of Fame,
Klondike,
Patrick,
Sal
Monday, December 31, 2007
Cleveland Browns 2007 Retrospective
A solid hit by a Titans DB on 4th and long solidified the playoff picture. Tennessee held on to beat the Colts 16-10 and move onto the playoffs, leaving the Browns at home. Who's to blame? Derek Anderson, for throwing away the Bengals game in week 16? The Colts, for resting their starters and refusing to use their last timeout to get the ball back?
I say neither. The Colts were obviously looking out for their best interests. If you want to be shortsighted and pick one moment that cost the Browns their season, you have plenty to choose from. Blame the defense, or coordinator Todd Grantham, for letting the Steelers come back. Blame the line for letting the Raiders block that last-second field goal. Blame the coaching staff and front office for naming Charlie Frye the week 1 starter; if Anderson had started that week, maybe he would have been better prepared against the Raiders. Heck, if you want to be more perverse, blame Frye for playing so well in the preseason and beating out Anderson.
In the grand scheme of things, seasons never really come down to one moment. Besides, there are many positives to take away from this season. At the beginning of the season, 8-8 looked like a stretch for this team, much less 10-6. Any team or fan would be and should be absolutely ecstatic that a first-year starting QB only has two bad starts. Yeah, the Browns went 10-6 by playing the weakest schedule in the conference. But now they have a young, hungry team that believes they can win.
Things look good in Cleveland. Sure, the Cavs need to work out a few kinks. (I'm from the school of thought that if you're not the most talented team in the league, you just need to put forth more effort than anyone else. Then again, I'm not an NBA coach.) Baseball Think Factory's ZiPS projections have some nice things to say about the 2008 Indians. I agree that they're a trade or two away from surpassing the likes of the Red Sox and Tigers in the AL. So again, optimism is the word in Cleveland.
I say neither. The Colts were obviously looking out for their best interests. If you want to be shortsighted and pick one moment that cost the Browns their season, you have plenty to choose from. Blame the defense, or coordinator Todd Grantham, for letting the Steelers come back. Blame the line for letting the Raiders block that last-second field goal. Blame the coaching staff and front office for naming Charlie Frye the week 1 starter; if Anderson had started that week, maybe he would have been better prepared against the Raiders. Heck, if you want to be more perverse, blame Frye for playing so well in the preseason and beating out Anderson.
In the grand scheme of things, seasons never really come down to one moment. Besides, there are many positives to take away from this season. At the beginning of the season, 8-8 looked like a stretch for this team, much less 10-6. Any team or fan would be and should be absolutely ecstatic that a first-year starting QB only has two bad starts. Yeah, the Browns went 10-6 by playing the weakest schedule in the conference. But now they have a young, hungry team that believes they can win.
Things look good in Cleveland. Sure, the Cavs need to work out a few kinks. (I'm from the school of thought that if you're not the most talented team in the league, you just need to put forth more effort than anyone else. Then again, I'm not an NBA coach.) Baseball Think Factory's ZiPS projections have some nice things to say about the 2008 Indians. I agree that they're a trade or two away from surpassing the likes of the Red Sox and Tigers in the AL. So again, optimism is the word in Cleveland.
Labels:
Cleveland Browns,
Cleveland Cavs,
Cleveland Indians
Thursday, December 13, 2007
National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Editor's Note: Here's a 2 1/2 month dump of the things. Don't forget to vote for this year's KankaNation Hall of Famers.
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Division III Sul Ross State University suited up a 59-year-old linebacker. And he was still better than everyone at Notre Dame. How bad is Notre Dame football? They've changed their name from The Fighting Irish to The Fighting French. Notre Dame is so bad that on Sunday, they held an emergency practice and lost.
Tiger Woods will take an extended break to spend time with his new daughter, who is already a better golfer than Michelle Wie.
The Phoenix Mercury won their first WNBA championship, by beating both WNBA teams that haven't yet folded. In an equally exciting story, I stubbed my toe earlier.
Major League Baseball hopes to have a blood test available next season that will catch players using human growth hormone. That sound you hear is Barry Bonds retiring. Bonds could conceivably pass the test - assuming it didn't work on cold-blooded players.
White Sox outfielder Jermaine Dye was spotted dining with Stevie Wonder and R. Kelly at a posh Chicago restaurant. Wonder was shocked, since he assumed that he was dining alone.
And a Florida Marlins season ticket holder was ejected at a home game for heckling the umpire too loudly. No word on yet what the Marlins will do to their other season ticket holder.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The San Francisco Giants dedicated a 10-foot by 70-foot mural celebrating the team's history in the city. The team hopes that next year it can find a big enough wall to accommodate the rest of Barry Bonds' forehead. The Giants also announced that they will not be re-signing Bonds. Let us be the first to say, "neener neener neener!"
The Tampa Bay Devil Rays are now marketing their own brand of hot sauce. The hot sauce is also terrible at baseball.
NHL commissioner Gary Bettman has suggested that his league is looking to expand into Europe, because he's run out of small southern cities that hate hockey.
Football fans are still reacting to Donovan McNabb's comments about black QBs facing more scrutiny than white QB's. Tim Couch, Joey Harrington, Rex Grossman, Eli Manning, Danny Wuerffel, and Ryan Leaf were unavailable for comment.
Kevin Everett, the Buffalo Bills player who everyone thought might be paralyzed, used his arms this week. To cover his eyes while watching the Bills play.
Six University of Texas football players have now been arrested since June. The Longhorns are hoping that things calm down so they can graduate and play for the Bengals.
Rockets center Yao Ming will miss the team's media day and first two days of practice to appear at the Special Olympics in Shanghai. Wow. We thought that was just a heavy accent.
The Houston Rockets have finally come to terms with Dikembe Mutombo, making him the oldest player in the league. Mutombo is so old that his first contract is on papyrus.
And in a case that's been all over the news, American cyclist Floyd Landis has been stripped of his 2006 Tour de France title. Thankfully he's Mennonite, so his relatives will never know.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Major League Baseball has set an attendance record for the fourth straight season. But the old attendance record was set by fans who trained naturally.
Barry Bonds made his last appearance as a San Francisco Giant. Wherever he ends up next year, you will still be able to see his head from San Francisco.
David Beckham returned to Britain after his father suffered a near-fatal heart attack. Man, that whole family will fake injury to avoid showing up to work.
A cheating scandal has ensnared 23 student-athletes at Florida State. The news shocked many who didn't realize the university still offered classes.
Notre Dame football is so bad that this week, they lost to the Mets.
The New York Giants set a team record by sacking Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb 12 times. McNabb spent more time on his back than Paris Hilton.
Due to the distraction, NFL cheerleaders are no longer allowed to stretch in front of any player except Jeff Garcia. Tom Brady must also stop impregnating them.
This far into the season and St. Louis Rams defensive end Leonard Little has no sacks or murders.
And Pat Bertoletti inhaled 21 pounds of grits in 10 minutes to win $4,000 in the World Grits Eating Championship. Bertoletti will be using the money toward his next triple bypass.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
All-time money winning horse John Henry passed away at age 32, just eight years before the Mets would have offered him a contract.
Speaking of things on their last legs, the Carolina Panthers signed 44-year-old quarterback Vinny Testaverde, and actually told people about it. Testaverde will be a great backup in case any of the coaches get injured.
Pothead Ricky Williams has applied for reinstatement after being repeatedly reminded to do so. Williams has said he'll work for peanuts. As well as twinkies and cupcakes.
Congratulations to Lorena Ochoa for becoming the first female golfer to win $3 million in one year. That will buy a lot of flannel shirts.
Admitted steroid user and Olympic gold medalist Marion Jones will compete next year after all, batting fourth for the San Francisco Giants. Jones' tearful admission of steroids is under review, as there's suspicion the tears were also not real.
And after a two-year absence from the NBA, Allan Houston is attempting a comeback with the New York Knicks, because they're not bad enough. If that doesn't work, he can always sign with the Carolina Panthers.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Vinny Testaverde became the oldest starting quarterback to win a game in NFL history when the Cardinal defense was repelled by the smell of Ben Gay. Testaverde is so old he can still remember when Terry Bradshaw made sense.
A Saints-Seahawks game was delayed for eight minutes when NBC's suspended Cable Cam began falling toward the field. The collapse was so sudden that viewers thought they were watching the Mets.
Blazers first-round pick Petteri Koponen has just completed his required six-month stint in Finland's army. The only thing more useless than Finland's army is the Portland Trailblazers.
NBA commissioner David Stern might punish the Knicks for being found liable in a sexual harassment suit. The punishment will be playing for the Knicks.
Boxer Marco Antonio Barrera retired following his lopsided loss to Manny Pacquiao. Most fight fans were stunned, figuring he'd retired before the fight.
A Pizza Hut promotion featured Lions receiver Roy Williams delivering pies. John Kitna tried delivering a few, but they kept getting intercepted.
And Pete Rose issued a public challenge saying that he will give $100 to anyone who sees him gambling. So Rose just bet that he wouldn't bet. Thanks for the $100, Pete. We'll use it to pay for our next trip to the land of irony.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
A Colorado Rockies fan offered 25 years worth of Playboy magazines for two World Series tickets. Two tickets? We find it hard to believe that someone with that many adult magazines actually has someone he can take to the game.
The Yankees heard of A-Rod's decision to opt out of his contract when agent Scott Boras sent a text message to Brian Cashman. This means A-Rod will most likely leave the Bronx, and Boras and Cashman are no longer BFF. And in case you didn't think Boras was a big enough jerk already, he signed the text message with a sideways winky face.
Retiring Houston Astro Craig Biggio was given the Roberto Clemente Award. Not for his community service, but for ending his career in a tailspin.
Pacman Jones is on his way to San Diego, hopefully to make it rain.
The Tour de France is expected to have a whole new look for 2008. In order to accommodate cyclists who aren't on HGH, the event's is now half a mile.
Kobe Bryant is angry with Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak, whom he believes is blocking a potential trade with unreasonable demands. It must be so frustrating when someone else's unreasonable demands get in the way of your own.
The Heat have traded perpetually out of shape forward Antoine Walker to the Timberwolves. Now that he's in Minnesota, he won't seem as fat.
And an ambulance crew who picked up a dying runner during the Chicago Marathon got lost on the way to a hospital. As if that weren't bad enough, the extra driving added an additional half hour to the runner's overall time. The crew was immediately fired and replaced by Kenyans with rickshaws.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
A Utah high school football coach is facing charges of animal cruelty because he stomped a pheasant that ran on the field. This weekend, the pheasant is favored by three over Notre Dame.
A Kansas high school football team beat an opponent 83-0 last week. The blowout made the game as un-exciting as Kansas itself.
Spanish researchers say that beer is better than water for re-hydrating after a hard workout. Which is how John Daly won the 1991 PGA Championship.
Major League Baseball is considering installing instant replay in important games. That way Scott Boras has more time to hold press conferences. Boras client Alex Rodriguez might sign with the Chicago Cubs, where he won't even get a chance to fold in the playoffs.
The hapless Pittsburgh Pirates named John Russell their new manager. Yeah, that should do it.
Barry Bonds claims that he will not bring any baggage to whatever team signs him, especially since his baggage is now tiny and shriveled.
Sammy Sosa wants to play in the Major Leagues next year, as long as he can get at least $7 million. Apparently cork is more expensive than it looks.
Los Angeles forward Lamar Odom sustained a slight concussion in an automobile accident. Paramedics were called after Odom stumbled out of the car, thinking the Lakers had a shot at the championship.
And the NFL's oldest living player Sam Dana passed away at 104. Next week, he'll be returning punts for the Rams.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The Tampa Bay Devil Rays are shortening their name to the Tampa Bay Rays. The devil is thrilled to no longer be a part of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Wade Boggs helped the Rays unveil new uniforms and politely turned down the team's request to pitch.
A survey shows that it costs a family of four $453.95 to attend a Lakers game. Another survey shows that there is no such thing as a family of four in Los Angeles.
A Minneapolis real estate magnate expressed a desire to buy the Minnesota Timberwolves and pursue his love of amateur athletics.
When ESPN's Barry Melrose said the area around New Jersey's hockey arena was unsafe, he upset the local fans so much that they mugged him.
Dallas center Mike Modano broke Phil Housley's NHL record for career points by an American-born player. With seven. Being the best American hockey player is almost as cool as being the best Canadian baseball player.
Losing their final Orange Bowl game 48-0 was so embarrassing for the Miami Hurricanes, they have downgraded their mascot to the Tropical Storms.
Steve McNair has soreness in his non-throwing shoulder. Which could be either shoulder.
And the NFL will block 70% of U.S. households from watching the New England Patriot's final game by restricting the broadcast to its own cable channel. Luckily for fans, Bill Belichick will be taping it.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Alex Rodriguez said that his talks with the Yankees are "in the bottom of the fifth inning." Hopefully for A-Rod, the metaphor takes place in a regular season game. If the Yankees do sign the ten-year deal, it's mainly so they don't have to speak to Scott Boras for the next decade.
The University of Alabama is looking into acquiring a live elephant for its football game day festivities. Unfortunately, John Daly was booked.
Michigan coach Lloyd Carr resigned after losing to Ohio State, calling it his most embarrassing loss of the last few months. Rumor has Carr going to Notre Dame next season. To play quarterback.
Ryan Leaf has surfaced as the quarterbacks coach for Division II's number four ranked West Texas State. Leaf has taught his team how to throw a spiral, throw a tantrum, and throw in the towel.
Mike Tyson has served a 24-hour jail sentence, where he was forced to eat prison food instead of Lennox Lewis' children.
New York Knicks radio announcer Gus Johnson was criticized for clapping every time New York scored a basket. Johnson later apologized for being a Knicks fan. The good news for the Knicks is that they got Stephon Marbury back. The bad news, of course, is that they got Stephon Marbury back.
And undefeated North Carolina won its fifth NCAA title in women's field hockey. When asked what she'll do next, the team MVP said, "I'm going to Lilith Fair."
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Two workers at the Mets' forthcoming Citi Park were injured on the job thanks to unsafe conditions. What they thought was a safety net turned out to just be a seven game lead.
The Los Angeles Dodgers will finally have a float in the Rose Bowl Parade. The float will probably run out gas halfway through.
Alabama football coach Nick Saban has been criticized for comparing his defeat at the hands of Louisiana-Monroe to Pearl Harbor. The only thing that should be compared to the tragedy of Pearl Harbor is the movie Pearl Harbor.
Rams QB Marc Bulger suffered a concussion. His condition worsened when he was reminded that he plays for the Rams.
Ricky Williams has put a book on his life story on hold. Problems arose when Williams kept rolling the manuscript.
Japanese gold medalist Mizuki Noguchi will wear a pair of shoes made of rice husks while running in Bejing. Noguchi hopes her rice shoes will help cool her feet while also reaffirming stereotypes. To combat this advantage, Ethiopia will be providing its runners with forks.
The NBDL began its seventh season this week. No one knows why.
Isiah Thomas said he's so confident that he won't be fired, he'll be groping a different employee each week.
And German pole-vaulter Yvonne Buschbaum will begin hormone treatment to become a man. Given the average physique of a German female athlete, treatment will be completed next Monday.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
New York Giants leading rusher Derrick Ward is out with a leg injury. Ward's leg is so weak, doctors briefly mistook it for Eli Manning's arm.
The Lions' Roy Williams may be out for the season. Detroit will have to replace him with one of their other 742 wide receivers.
Ricky Williams' season ended after he tore a chest muscle. Williams will spend the next few weeks trying to convince his doctor it was due to glaucoma.
Tom Petty will play at half-time of the Super Bowl, dedicating "Don't Come Around Here No More" to the Miami Dolphins.
Dale Earnhardt Jr. has been selected NASCAR's most popular driver by internet users for the fifth straight year. Earnhardt is well liked by both NASCAR fans that own computers.
Tony La Russa pleaded guilty to driving under the influence. The Cardinal manager admitted to falling asleep at the wheel last year, and also driving under the influence.
Dick's Sporting Goods has purchased Chick's Sporting Goods. Yes, Dick's bought Chick's. Every possible domain name for their new company is already taken.
Harness driver Tim Tetrick has broken the single-season record with his 1,078th victory. Tetrick has been riding his horses so hard this year that they're already starting to smell like glue.
For the second time, Bobby Knight has been accused of shooting someone while hunting. Next week, Knight will be announcing his candidacy for Vice President.
And the New York Knicks lost to the Celtics by 45 points, barely beating the spread.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Job finding site Monster.com just bought a Super Bowl ad. Hopefully, Eric Mangini will be watching the game. Well, we know he won't be coaching in it.
Injured Buffalo Bills tight end Kevin Everett is now walking on his own. Everett already has more mobility than half of his teammates. Everett first stood up during a Bills game - to change the channel.
David Beckham was given the job of the official backstage photographer for the Spice Girls, only to miss the concert with an injury.
Forbes named the New York Knicks the NBA's most valuable franchise. This thrilled the team's majority stock holder, Anucha Browne Sanders.
Goodletsville, Tennessee's Brandon Coppinger is officially the best NASCAR video game player, winning the EA Sports Craftsman Challenge. He is truly the best at simulating left turns. Maybe next year he can simulate kissing a girl.
Scott Niedermayer will rejoin the Anaheim Ducks after missing the team's first 28 games. Niedermayer wasn't retiring, he just hadn't realized that the NHL season had started.
And USA Today's staff has compiled a list of the top 25 college football games from the last 25 years and none of them involve the SEC. Even sadder? In the last 25 years, not one journalism department in the SEC has produced a student capable of working at USA Today.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Division III Sul Ross State University suited up a 59-year-old linebacker. And he was still better than everyone at Notre Dame. How bad is Notre Dame football? They've changed their name from The Fighting Irish to The Fighting French. Notre Dame is so bad that on Sunday, they held an emergency practice and lost.
Tiger Woods will take an extended break to spend time with his new daughter, who is already a better golfer than Michelle Wie.
The Phoenix Mercury won their first WNBA championship, by beating both WNBA teams that haven't yet folded. In an equally exciting story, I stubbed my toe earlier.
Major League Baseball hopes to have a blood test available next season that will catch players using human growth hormone. That sound you hear is Barry Bonds retiring. Bonds could conceivably pass the test - assuming it didn't work on cold-blooded players.
White Sox outfielder Jermaine Dye was spotted dining with Stevie Wonder and R. Kelly at a posh Chicago restaurant. Wonder was shocked, since he assumed that he was dining alone.
And a Florida Marlins season ticket holder was ejected at a home game for heckling the umpire too loudly. No word on yet what the Marlins will do to their other season ticket holder.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The San Francisco Giants dedicated a 10-foot by 70-foot mural celebrating the team's history in the city. The team hopes that next year it can find a big enough wall to accommodate the rest of Barry Bonds' forehead. The Giants also announced that they will not be re-signing Bonds. Let us be the first to say, "neener neener neener!"
The Tampa Bay Devil Rays are now marketing their own brand of hot sauce. The hot sauce is also terrible at baseball.
NHL commissioner Gary Bettman has suggested that his league is looking to expand into Europe, because he's run out of small southern cities that hate hockey.
Football fans are still reacting to Donovan McNabb's comments about black QBs facing more scrutiny than white QB's. Tim Couch, Joey Harrington, Rex Grossman, Eli Manning, Danny Wuerffel, and Ryan Leaf were unavailable for comment.
Kevin Everett, the Buffalo Bills player who everyone thought might be paralyzed, used his arms this week. To cover his eyes while watching the Bills play.
Six University of Texas football players have now been arrested since June. The Longhorns are hoping that things calm down so they can graduate and play for the Bengals.
Rockets center Yao Ming will miss the team's media day and first two days of practice to appear at the Special Olympics in Shanghai. Wow. We thought that was just a heavy accent.
The Houston Rockets have finally come to terms with Dikembe Mutombo, making him the oldest player in the league. Mutombo is so old that his first contract is on papyrus.
And in a case that's been all over the news, American cyclist Floyd Landis has been stripped of his 2006 Tour de France title. Thankfully he's Mennonite, so his relatives will never know.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Major League Baseball has set an attendance record for the fourth straight season. But the old attendance record was set by fans who trained naturally.
Barry Bonds made his last appearance as a San Francisco Giant. Wherever he ends up next year, you will still be able to see his head from San Francisco.
David Beckham returned to Britain after his father suffered a near-fatal heart attack. Man, that whole family will fake injury to avoid showing up to work.
A cheating scandal has ensnared 23 student-athletes at Florida State. The news shocked many who didn't realize the university still offered classes.
Notre Dame football is so bad that this week, they lost to the Mets.
The New York Giants set a team record by sacking Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb 12 times. McNabb spent more time on his back than Paris Hilton.
Due to the distraction, NFL cheerleaders are no longer allowed to stretch in front of any player except Jeff Garcia. Tom Brady must also stop impregnating them.
This far into the season and St. Louis Rams defensive end Leonard Little has no sacks or murders.
And Pat Bertoletti inhaled 21 pounds of grits in 10 minutes to win $4,000 in the World Grits Eating Championship. Bertoletti will be using the money toward his next triple bypass.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
All-time money winning horse John Henry passed away at age 32, just eight years before the Mets would have offered him a contract.
Speaking of things on their last legs, the Carolina Panthers signed 44-year-old quarterback Vinny Testaverde, and actually told people about it. Testaverde will be a great backup in case any of the coaches get injured.
Pothead Ricky Williams has applied for reinstatement after being repeatedly reminded to do so. Williams has said he'll work for peanuts. As well as twinkies and cupcakes.
Congratulations to Lorena Ochoa for becoming the first female golfer to win $3 million in one year. That will buy a lot of flannel shirts.
Admitted steroid user and Olympic gold medalist Marion Jones will compete next year after all, batting fourth for the San Francisco Giants. Jones' tearful admission of steroids is under review, as there's suspicion the tears were also not real.
And after a two-year absence from the NBA, Allan Houston is attempting a comeback with the New York Knicks, because they're not bad enough. If that doesn't work, he can always sign with the Carolina Panthers.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Vinny Testaverde became the oldest starting quarterback to win a game in NFL history when the Cardinal defense was repelled by the smell of Ben Gay. Testaverde is so old he can still remember when Terry Bradshaw made sense.
A Saints-Seahawks game was delayed for eight minutes when NBC's suspended Cable Cam began falling toward the field. The collapse was so sudden that viewers thought they were watching the Mets.
Blazers first-round pick Petteri Koponen has just completed his required six-month stint in Finland's army. The only thing more useless than Finland's army is the Portland Trailblazers.
NBA commissioner David Stern might punish the Knicks for being found liable in a sexual harassment suit. The punishment will be playing for the Knicks.
Boxer Marco Antonio Barrera retired following his lopsided loss to Manny Pacquiao. Most fight fans were stunned, figuring he'd retired before the fight.
A Pizza Hut promotion featured Lions receiver Roy Williams delivering pies. John Kitna tried delivering a few, but they kept getting intercepted.
And Pete Rose issued a public challenge saying that he will give $100 to anyone who sees him gambling. So Rose just bet that he wouldn't bet. Thanks for the $100, Pete. We'll use it to pay for our next trip to the land of irony.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
A Colorado Rockies fan offered 25 years worth of Playboy magazines for two World Series tickets. Two tickets? We find it hard to believe that someone with that many adult magazines actually has someone he can take to the game.
The Yankees heard of A-Rod's decision to opt out of his contract when agent Scott Boras sent a text message to Brian Cashman. This means A-Rod will most likely leave the Bronx, and Boras and Cashman are no longer BFF. And in case you didn't think Boras was a big enough jerk already, he signed the text message with a sideways winky face.
Retiring Houston Astro Craig Biggio was given the Roberto Clemente Award. Not for his community service, but for ending his career in a tailspin.
Pacman Jones is on his way to San Diego, hopefully to make it rain.
The Tour de France is expected to have a whole new look for 2008. In order to accommodate cyclists who aren't on HGH, the event's is now half a mile.
Kobe Bryant is angry with Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak, whom he believes is blocking a potential trade with unreasonable demands. It must be so frustrating when someone else's unreasonable demands get in the way of your own.
The Heat have traded perpetually out of shape forward Antoine Walker to the Timberwolves. Now that he's in Minnesota, he won't seem as fat.
And an ambulance crew who picked up a dying runner during the Chicago Marathon got lost on the way to a hospital. As if that weren't bad enough, the extra driving added an additional half hour to the runner's overall time. The crew was immediately fired and replaced by Kenyans with rickshaws.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
A Utah high school football coach is facing charges of animal cruelty because he stomped a pheasant that ran on the field. This weekend, the pheasant is favored by three over Notre Dame.
A Kansas high school football team beat an opponent 83-0 last week. The blowout made the game as un-exciting as Kansas itself.
Spanish researchers say that beer is better than water for re-hydrating after a hard workout. Which is how John Daly won the 1991 PGA Championship.
Major League Baseball is considering installing instant replay in important games. That way Scott Boras has more time to hold press conferences. Boras client Alex Rodriguez might sign with the Chicago Cubs, where he won't even get a chance to fold in the playoffs.
The hapless Pittsburgh Pirates named John Russell their new manager. Yeah, that should do it.
Barry Bonds claims that he will not bring any baggage to whatever team signs him, especially since his baggage is now tiny and shriveled.
Sammy Sosa wants to play in the Major Leagues next year, as long as he can get at least $7 million. Apparently cork is more expensive than it looks.
Los Angeles forward Lamar Odom sustained a slight concussion in an automobile accident. Paramedics were called after Odom stumbled out of the car, thinking the Lakers had a shot at the championship.
And the NFL's oldest living player Sam Dana passed away at 104. Next week, he'll be returning punts for the Rams.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The Tampa Bay Devil Rays are shortening their name to the Tampa Bay Rays. The devil is thrilled to no longer be a part of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Wade Boggs helped the Rays unveil new uniforms and politely turned down the team's request to pitch.
A survey shows that it costs a family of four $453.95 to attend a Lakers game. Another survey shows that there is no such thing as a family of four in Los Angeles.
A Minneapolis real estate magnate expressed a desire to buy the Minnesota Timberwolves and pursue his love of amateur athletics.
When ESPN's Barry Melrose said the area around New Jersey's hockey arena was unsafe, he upset the local fans so much that they mugged him.
Dallas center Mike Modano broke Phil Housley's NHL record for career points by an American-born player. With seven. Being the best American hockey player is almost as cool as being the best Canadian baseball player.
Losing their final Orange Bowl game 48-0 was so embarrassing for the Miami Hurricanes, they have downgraded their mascot to the Tropical Storms.
Steve McNair has soreness in his non-throwing shoulder. Which could be either shoulder.
And the NFL will block 70% of U.S. households from watching the New England Patriot's final game by restricting the broadcast to its own cable channel. Luckily for fans, Bill Belichick will be taping it.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Alex Rodriguez said that his talks with the Yankees are "in the bottom of the fifth inning." Hopefully for A-Rod, the metaphor takes place in a regular season game. If the Yankees do sign the ten-year deal, it's mainly so they don't have to speak to Scott Boras for the next decade.
The University of Alabama is looking into acquiring a live elephant for its football game day festivities. Unfortunately, John Daly was booked.
Michigan coach Lloyd Carr resigned after losing to Ohio State, calling it his most embarrassing loss of the last few months. Rumor has Carr going to Notre Dame next season. To play quarterback.
Ryan Leaf has surfaced as the quarterbacks coach for Division II's number four ranked West Texas State. Leaf has taught his team how to throw a spiral, throw a tantrum, and throw in the towel.
Mike Tyson has served a 24-hour jail sentence, where he was forced to eat prison food instead of Lennox Lewis' children.
New York Knicks radio announcer Gus Johnson was criticized for clapping every time New York scored a basket. Johnson later apologized for being a Knicks fan. The good news for the Knicks is that they got Stephon Marbury back. The bad news, of course, is that they got Stephon Marbury back.
And undefeated North Carolina won its fifth NCAA title in women's field hockey. When asked what she'll do next, the team MVP said, "I'm going to Lilith Fair."
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Two workers at the Mets' forthcoming Citi Park were injured on the job thanks to unsafe conditions. What they thought was a safety net turned out to just be a seven game lead.
The Los Angeles Dodgers will finally have a float in the Rose Bowl Parade. The float will probably run out gas halfway through.
Alabama football coach Nick Saban has been criticized for comparing his defeat at the hands of Louisiana-Monroe to Pearl Harbor. The only thing that should be compared to the tragedy of Pearl Harbor is the movie Pearl Harbor.
Rams QB Marc Bulger suffered a concussion. His condition worsened when he was reminded that he plays for the Rams.
Ricky Williams has put a book on his life story on hold. Problems arose when Williams kept rolling the manuscript.
Japanese gold medalist Mizuki Noguchi will wear a pair of shoes made of rice husks while running in Bejing. Noguchi hopes her rice shoes will help cool her feet while also reaffirming stereotypes. To combat this advantage, Ethiopia will be providing its runners with forks.
The NBDL began its seventh season this week. No one knows why.
Isiah Thomas said he's so confident that he won't be fired, he'll be groping a different employee each week.
And German pole-vaulter Yvonne Buschbaum will begin hormone treatment to become a man. Given the average physique of a German female athlete, treatment will be completed next Monday.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
New York Giants leading rusher Derrick Ward is out with a leg injury. Ward's leg is so weak, doctors briefly mistook it for Eli Manning's arm.
The Lions' Roy Williams may be out for the season. Detroit will have to replace him with one of their other 742 wide receivers.
Ricky Williams' season ended after he tore a chest muscle. Williams will spend the next few weeks trying to convince his doctor it was due to glaucoma.
Tom Petty will play at half-time of the Super Bowl, dedicating "Don't Come Around Here No More" to the Miami Dolphins.
Dale Earnhardt Jr. has been selected NASCAR's most popular driver by internet users for the fifth straight year. Earnhardt is well liked by both NASCAR fans that own computers.
Tony La Russa pleaded guilty to driving under the influence. The Cardinal manager admitted to falling asleep at the wheel last year, and also driving under the influence.
Dick's Sporting Goods has purchased Chick's Sporting Goods. Yes, Dick's bought Chick's. Every possible domain name for their new company is already taken.
Harness driver Tim Tetrick has broken the single-season record with his 1,078th victory. Tetrick has been riding his horses so hard this year that they're already starting to smell like glue.
For the second time, Bobby Knight has been accused of shooting someone while hunting. Next week, Knight will be announcing his candidacy for Vice President.
And the New York Knicks lost to the Celtics by 45 points, barely beating the spread.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Job finding site Monster.com just bought a Super Bowl ad. Hopefully, Eric Mangini will be watching the game. Well, we know he won't be coaching in it.
Injured Buffalo Bills tight end Kevin Everett is now walking on his own. Everett already has more mobility than half of his teammates. Everett first stood up during a Bills game - to change the channel.
David Beckham was given the job of the official backstage photographer for the Spice Girls, only to miss the concert with an injury.
Forbes named the New York Knicks the NBA's most valuable franchise. This thrilled the team's majority stock holder, Anucha Browne Sanders.
Goodletsville, Tennessee's Brandon Coppinger is officially the best NASCAR video game player, winning the EA Sports Craftsman Challenge. He is truly the best at simulating left turns. Maybe next year he can simulate kissing a girl.
Scott Niedermayer will rejoin the Anaheim Ducks after missing the team's first 28 games. Niedermayer wasn't retiring, he just hadn't realized that the NHL season had started.
And USA Today's staff has compiled a list of the top 25 college football games from the last 25 years and none of them involve the SEC. Even sadder? In the last 25 years, not one journalism department in the SEC has produced a student capable of working at USA Today.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
It's Ballot Time Again
Once again, it's time to vote for the KankaNation Hall of Fame.
To view past inductees and voting results, click one of the links below:
Class of 2004
Class of 2005
Class of 2006
Class of 2007
List up to 10 people you think should be in the KankaNation Hall of Fame, and email to kanka@kankasports.zzn.com by 5 pm Eastern on December 31.
Those who receive a certain percentage of the vote (depends on how many ballots are received; usually 66-75%) will join the Classes of 2004, 2005, 2006, and 2007. Those who received multiple votes last year will receive one carryover vote this year.
To view past inductees and voting results, click one of the links below:
Class of 2004
Class of 2005
Class of 2006
Class of 2007
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KankaNation Hall of Fame
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