The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Nolan Ryan has agreed to become the Texas Rangers' new president, making him the best pitcher in the organization.

Brian McNamee promised he can prove that Roger Clemens took steroids because he has several old syringes and bloody gauze. If true, the items will prove both Clemens' guilt and McNamee's creepiness. Thankfully, McNamee had saved them as a Valentine's Day gift for Amy Winehouse.

Pirates right-hander Tony Armas has agreed to a minor league contract with the New York Mets, because the minor leagues are a step up.

Memphis coach Marc Iavaroni defended trading Pau Gasol to the Lakers, saying it was best for the team. He's right, assuming that team is the Lakers.

Isiah Thomas is reportedly trying to trade for badly injured forward Jermaine O'Neal. Thomas' next acquisition will be Len Bias.

Mike Tyson and Junior Seau were spotted at a trendy Las Vegas restaurant recently. Seau had the filet mignon while Tyson dined on Lennox Lewis's children.

Carlos Quintana upset previously unbeaten Paul Williams for the welterweight title in Temecula, California. That's the first fight a latino had won in southern California since moments earlier in the parking lot.

The Steelers are keeping the natural grass surface at Heinz Field, so their offensive line has something to graze on.

And the NFC beat the AFC in the Pro Bowl. But with the ratings as low as they were, we could be making that up.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Link Me

I've been really lazy at returning link requests since, well, October. I sort of got around to it this past weekend, but I ended up just deleting all of them since I couldn't tell which ones were phony/spammy/for money and which weren't. So if you're a real person with a real blog that wants to trade links, email me by using the link at the top of the page.

Happy Pitchers and Catchers Day!

February 1 was the Uniform Start Date for college baseball teams, and on Wednesday select MLB teams have their pitchers and catchers reporting to spring training.

When does your team report?

The Latest on CC Sabathia

As Cleveland-area sportswriters are piling up the "Say Goodbye to CC Sabathia" articles, here's a look at what's going on with next offseason's hottest free agent:

• With Curt Schilling's injury status uncertain, and a rumor surfacing that Boston will not re-sign Josh Beckett when his contract expires, the Sox will definitely need to add pitching. And they definitely have deep pockets.


• Indians GM Mark Shapiro says that he won't trade Sabathia, barring a major collapse. They're going to try to win with him this year, then take their chances from there.


• Cleveland Plain Dealer writer Paul Hoynes has the latest on Cleveland's extension offer to Sabathia.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

A judge ruled that jailed Michael Vick can keep nearly $20 million in bonus money he received from the Atlanta Falcons. Vick was relieved, as he's got a really big dogfight coming up.

Chad Johnson is very upset at the Bengals, making him a true Cincinnati resident.

NHL player Nik Antropov was suspended for 3 games for throwing his stick at officials. Fortunately the stick landed in the stands, where there was no one to injure.

Alyssa Milano has begun to blog for the NHL. Because she ran out of baseball players.

World ice-dancing champion Maxim Staviski has received a 2 1/2-year prison sentence for a drunken driving accident. A guy in a spandex unitard in prison. Nothing could go wrong there.

Former Olympic canoeing champion Frantisek Capek has died of an unspecified heart problem at the age of 93. Doctors could have saved him if they hadn't tragically reached for the wrong paddles.

Ballers Latrell Sprewell and Glen Rice have both had assault charges against them dropped. Maybe Johnnie Cochrane isn't dead after all.

The Toronto Raptors tied a franchise record with a 39-point victory. Shockingly, it was not against the Knicks.

Bob Knight officially resigned, having finally thrown his last chair.

And Chuck Knoblauch said his involvement in the steroid investigation has been blown way out of proportion. Like Roger Clemens' head.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Notre Dame Basketball... Where Amazing Happens

From the man who brought you Tom Timmermans' 1000 Nicknames....

The Man of a Thousand Nicknames

I noticed that Kanka's Sports Page is the top Google result for "Tom Timmermans nicknames." I also noticed that no reliable and active source on the Internet actually lists the nicknames. Acting on a tip from an NDNation post, I hit the Internet Wayback Machine and decided to post them here. I hope Chad will forgive my copyright infringement. (And yeah, I know the formatting isn't very nice. Big whoop. Wanna fight about it?)

1 Showtime

2 The Clutch Dutchman

3 Bagel Thief

4 Tommy "Five to Give"

5 Tim Tommermans

6 The UnDutchable

7 Dutched By An Angel

8 The Gentleman From The Netherlands, Mr. Dutchinson

9 The Man From Nether-Netherlands

10 The High Man From The Low Country

11 Dutch By Birth, Clutch By Reputation

12 Tizzle

13 Holland Globetrotter

14 Mr. Holland's Opus

15 Twizzle

16 Too Tall Tom Timmermans

17 If It Ain't Dutch, It Ain't Much

18 Dutch Treat

19 Can't Dutch This

20 The One-Man Fast Break Wrecking Crew

21 Call Him Tindermans, 'Cause He's a Firestarter

22 Little Elbow

23 The Booty Trap's Heir Apparent

24 He Came, He Saw, He Towered Over

25 Quick First Step

26 Sneaky Quick

27 T Squared

28 The TomTiminator

29 Atomic Tom

30 Mot Snamremmit

31 Tom "You Can't Teach Size - or Dutchness" Timmermans

32 MVT- Most Valuable Timmermans

33 The Blonde Tomshell

34 Simmerin' Timmermans

35 Famous Skier Alberto Tomtimmermansba

36 Tom Injuredmans

37 The Human Exclamation Point

38 Ecstasy

39 One Man Press Break

40 Poor Man's Mike Sweetney Minus the Cheeseburger

41 The Beast of the Big East

42 Amsterdamn he's good!

43 The Dunkin' Dutchman

44 Queen Beatirx's Heir Apparent

45 The Reason Turkey wants to join the EU

46 The square root of T to the fourth

47 The Shaq of the JACC

48 The Royal Netherlands Air Force

49 Kiss Me, I'm Dutch

50 Dutch the Magic Dragon

51 Ivan Kartello's understudy

52 Swanny minus the booty

53 Poor Man's Ruth Riley

54 Phil Hickey with wooden shoes

55 Tommy Timmers, boy choreographer

56 The Longwood Tom Timbermans

57 Slammin' Amsterdammin' Tom Timmermans

58 Tom TimmerMANCHILDs

59 Long Ankles

60 Tom "Call me Dutchboy 'Cause I Live in the Paint" Timmermans

61 White Luscious

62 A Rich Man's Donotas Zavackas

63 4D: Drive, Draw, Dish, and Dutch

64 The Best Thing Out of Europe Since Napoleon, or At Least Toni Kukoc

65 Emeka Okafor's Dad

66 The Only Man Mike Sweetney Fears More Than Hamburgler

67 Dreihuis Destroyer

68 6-11, 253, Pure Vanilla

69 One More Reason for Boeheim to Sweat at Night

70 The Flying Dutchman

71 Tom Terrific

72 Tizzle Me Elmo

73 Larger Than Life and Twice as Natural

74 A Man, A Plan, A Canal - Timmermans

75 I cried because I had no shoes, until I saw a man who had no Timmermans

76 Om-Tay Immermans-Tay

77 Tom [INSERT NICKNAME HERE] Timmermans

78 Dutchy McDucherton

79 The Remix

80 Creator of the Windmill Dunk

81 The Riddle

82 The Original Point-Center

83 Half Man, Half Beast, All Dutch

84 Fashion Nightmare

85 Hundreds of uses, yet no real purpose

86 The 47th best thing since sliced bread

87 Somewhere between everyday Dutchness and cartoonish super-Dutchness

88 Better than the rest (in some vague, undefinable way)

89 The 8th Deadly Sin

90 Timmermans 3:16

91 The Real John Galt

92 Ankle deep in ankles

93 The Only Man in the World that has This Nickname

94 More than a man - a really big man

95 The Human Cartoon Character

96 Size 15 Wooden Shoes - So What?

97 Taller Than Normal People

98 Upside Your Head

99 Former Speed-skater

100 Timmermaniac

101 The Truth

102 As Seen On TV

103 From the people who brought you windmills and tulips

104 The Netherlands' secret weapon for taking over the world

105 The Antithesis of Emeka Okafor

106 The Dunk Tank in the Carnival of Life

107 Veni, Vidi, Timmermans

108 Everything you want - and a whole lot more

109 The Only NCAA Basketball Player to register a Single-Quadruple - 1000 Nicknames

110 The Question

111 The Answer

112 The Rhetorical Question

113 The Rhetorical Answer

114 The Other, Other White Meat

115 A, E, I, O, U and sometimes Tom Timmermans

116 Towering Over Others Like Some Sort of Tower

117 Y2T

118 The Original 6-in-1 Tool

119 Internationally Known, Locally Respected

120 Tom Quixote

121 Tomicide

122 The Tommy Gun

123 The Basketball Mercenary

124 The Basketball Messiah

125 The Double-Dutch Dribbler

126 30% Larger Than Life

127 Usually the Lesser of Two Evils

128 The Modern Marvel

129 Best of Show

130 The Real Reason Socialism Can Never Work

131 Knock, Knock. Who's There? Tom. Tom Who? Tom Timmermans.

132 The Reason for the Season

133 Your 100% Recommended Daily Allowance of Dutch

134 Pride of Dreihuis, Holland

135 Made of 100% Real Dutch

136 The Opiate of the Basketball Masses

137 May Contain Peanuts

138 Your Chastity at Risk, 24/7

139 Left, Right, Left, Right, Left, Right...

140 The Patron Saint of Fouling Out

141 Ana-Tom-ically Correct

142 Chris Thomas' Alter Ego

143 Almost, But Not Entirely Unlike Charles Thomas

144 Like Jimmy Dillon on Steroids

145 Infinity Squared, And Then Some

146 The 7th Man

147 E = MC^(tomtimmermans)

148 #50 on the Court, #1 in the ND Student Body's Hearts

149 Interncontinental Ballistic Fun

150 Jim Calhoun's Pimp

151 The Yin to Your Yang

152 The Linchpin Holding the Keystone Together

153 Cornering the Market on Nicknames

154 Trouble With a Capital Timmermans

155 The Mystery of Pandora's Box

156 This Nickname Contains Ten Words, Eighteen Syllables, and Sixty-Four Letters

157 Mike Brey's Other Guilty Pleasure

158 The Human Rally Monkey

159 I've Got More Nicknames in Back if You Don't See Anything You Like

160 Putting the Dutch in Offensive Production

161 The Human Lowlight Film

162 Part of a Complete Breakfast

163 Trying to be the Next Rik Smits

164 Slightly Less Lanky Than Louis Orr

165 Just a Big, Goofy Dutchman

166 Shakes Defenders Like a Polaroid Picture

167 Ice Cold

168 Ice Water in the Veins

169 The Chosen One

170 The Dutch Version of The Chosen One

171 King TutTimmermanstankhamun's Tom

172 The Dutch Manifesto

173 Special Sauce

174 Tall Drink of Water

175 The Show

176 The Dutch Oven

177 Thom Thimmermans

178 Tom Timmery, Tom Timmery, Tom Tim Taroo

179 Timmermania

180 When I Think About Tom, I Dutch Myself

181 Shooting Dutch

182 Dutch Elm Disease

183 The A-Tom-ic Bomb

184 The Dreihuis Delight

185 Dutchliscious

186 Dutchtastic

187 Mike Sweetney's Heir Apparent

188 The European Union's Most Valuable Asset

189 The Dutch Without a Crutch

190 Shimmerin' Timmermans

191 Nether Say Die

192 The Love Boat

193 The Dutch Dandy

194 An Offensive Goaltending Waiting to Happen

195 The European Sensation

196 Kid Tested, Mother Approved

197 My Favorite Timmermans

198 The Tank

199 Dutch Ado About Nothing

200 A Schoolgirl's Delight: Double Dutch

201 Po-Po 5-0

202 50 Cent

203 Dutch Madness

204 Speed Limit: 50

205 Notre Dutch

206 Dude, Where's My Timmermans

207 Holland, MI

208 Never Have Too Much Dutch

209 The Look, The Feel of Dutchman, The Player of Our Lives

210 Mike Brey's Genetics Lab Experiment Gone Wrong

211 Don't Sing It, Bring It

212 When You Wish Upon a Timmermans

213 Tm Tmmrmns

214 o iea

215 Sean "Dutchy" Combs

216 The Uncommon De-Tom-inator

217 The Hot Tom-ale

218 Tom Timmermans Version 4.0

219 Timmermans XP

220 Hyper Tom Timmermans Protocol Colon Backslash Backslash

221 Moneyball

222 The Future

223 The Franchise

224 Thomas Timothymermans

225 The Matrix Reloade

226 The Cloggin' Irish

227 The Miracle Man From Amersterdam

228 The Irish Muffin

229 Lady Tom, Dutchess of York

230 The Program

231 Beast of the Big East (West)

232 Beast of the Big East (Catholic)

233 The White Phil Hickey

234 Hawaii 5-0

235 Halfway to Triple Digits

236 Thom Timmermans

237 Boracho's Favorite Son

238 The Euro

239 Tt - A-Tom-ic Number 50

240 Mike Jarvis' Worst Nightmare (other than the nightmare where nephew Will borrows his car and accidently crashes it)

241 Weapons Grade Plutonium

242 WMD

243 Dutch Rub

244 Rumanu-Tom (famous Indian Mathematician)

245 Da' Tom

246 Dutch White Chocolate

247 (T^4+2T^3+3T^2)/(T^2+2T+3)

248 Tom's Mom Has Got It Goin' On

249 CD-TOM (Timmermans Only Memory)

250 www.timmermans.tom

251 Talm Pilot

252 Timmermans! (Timmermans factorial)

253 L

254 John Wooden Shoes

255 Tom Got His Number From His Projected Number of Fouls Through the First Ten Games

256 Tommy "Six Fouls to Give Once He's in the NBA"

257 Wha Happened

258 Making the Big East Quintadekaphobic Since 2000

259 The Reason South Florida is Joining the Big East

260 The Urban Tombrero

261 Tom Thumb

262 Charles Thomas Timmermans

263 Hollywood

264 Tom'd

265 Six points, 2-6 FG, 2-3 FT, 8 Rebs, 5 TO's, 5PF, 1 Asst, 0 Stls

266 110010

267 Da Bizness

268 Rock, Chalk, Timmermans

269 Hoya Toma

270 You're Timmerman's Bait (Yes You Are)

271 Tom Squared

272 Cash, Money, Dutch

273 Timtanic

274 Timberrrr

275 Drop Step

276 The Dunkaphobe

277 B.E.E.F.D. (Balance, Eyes, Elbow, Follow-through, Dutch)

278 Matt Carroll With Elephantitis

279 Kankles

280 TurDutchen

281 It Goes All The Way Up To 50

282 Floppy

283 The Dutchness Monster

284 The Token European

285 My Name is Tom Timmermans - Worship Me!

286 Creamy Hollandaise

287 Dutchzilla

288 Recruit Him, Watch Him Play, Lock Him Away in A Closet For a Year, Take Him Out, Watch Him Again - It Will Change Your Life

289 T Diddy

290 Snoop Dutchy Dutch

291 Money Shot

292 Interstate 50

293 Glad My Last Name Isn't Ferrara

294 The Wizard

295 Frisky

296 Finite, But Unbounded

297 2nd Tallest Man On Campus

298 Better Than Getting The Tanooki Suit In Super Mario Bros. 3

299 Throw Your Hands In The Air As If There Were No Repercussions

300 Pennsylvania Dutch

301 auTOMatic

302 T-I-eminem-E-R-M-A-N-S

303 Marquis de Dutch

304 Sexier than Brady's left arm

305 Not as sexy as Brady's right arm

306 The Holland Chunnel

307 Putting the ND in Holland

308 The In-TIMM-idator

309 Dr. Dutch

310 T-Money

311 SHOWTIMErmans

312 Rin Tin Timmermans

313 Dutch'd

314 Tommy T from the North Sea

315 Tom "My shots be flowin' like da Rhine" Timmermans

316 Tom van Timmermans

317 The Real Pride of Scranton, PA

318 Royal Dutch Airlines

319 He's not myopean, he's European

320 The Benelux Delight

321 Got Dutch?

322 Sneaky Dutch

323 The Midas Dutch

324 The Wizard of West Quad

325 The Duke and Dutchness

326 Andries

327 Ymudien Sensation

328 The Mouth of the Rhine

329 The 9th Wonder of the Modern World

330 Turkey Gravy

331 Netherlands Chief Export

332 The Human Interest Story

333 The Human Gamepad

334 Earth, Air, Water, Fire and Tom: the 5 building blocks of the universe

335 The Human Parallelepiped

336 The 5th Dimension

337 The Seventh Sense

338 The 4th Blind Mouse

339 The Cincinnati Bengal of Big East Basketball

340 The 11th Commandment

341 The Human Haiku

342 Liquid Death

343 Jimmy Chitwood

344 The Dutch Greg Ostertag

345 The Road to the Final Four

346 The Greyhound Bus

347 King of da Drop Step

348 The Tom of the Unknown B-Baller

349 Tom the Phenom

350 T-Funk

351 Phenometom

352 The Playmaker

353 Mr. Breakaway Dunk

354 Timmermans, LLP

355 The Gorilla that Destroyed the Oakland Zoo

356 Defined only by being Indefinable

357 The Paperweight

358 The Ultimate Stocking Stuffer

359 Tall on Talent

360 The human equivalent of "Jock Jams"

361 The New Deal

362 The Unbalanced Equation

363 Come for the Dutch, stay for the Clutch

364 Tom Timmermans is for Lovers

365 Tom "I heart ND to infinity" Timmermans

366 That Just Brushed Sensation

367 Snuggles

368 The Timmermanifest Destiny

369 The Secret NASA Project

370 The Dutchina Monologue

371 Hofstra

372 Mt. St. George College Fightin' Timmermans

373 The Clown Prince of Basketball

374 ThreatCON Echo

375 The Round Mound of Rebound

376 Tommy Funk

377 The Tom Timmermans Experience

378 Uncle Tom Timmermans

379 Tom "& Jerry" Timmermans

380 Mild Sauce

381 The Main Event

382 Skip To My Lou

383 Fiff-dee

384 The Professor

385 Half Man/Half Amazing

386 The And Tom Mix Tape Tour, Vol. 50

387 Vanilla Thunder

388 Dr. Dutchenstein

389 The Little Dipper

390 Hot Plate

391 Sweet Cheeks

392 The Big Unit

393 To-Ti

394 The Abuser

395 The Best Kept Secret

396 Showbiz

397 T Timms

398 The Prophecy

399 5.0 on the Richter Scale

400 The Timm Reaper

401 The Real Slam Shady

402 This Week's Sign That The Apocolypse is Upon Us

403 Night Train

404 Thump and Bump

405 The Dirty Dutchman

406 He Love Me

407 The Dutch Leprechaun

408 The Fighting Dutchman

409 My Country Has Free Healthcare

410 Miniature Yao Ming

411 The Foreign Force

412 The Spark Off The Bench

413 Wonderboy

414 The Man With The Cult Following

415 BFG (Big Friendly Giant)

416 BFD (Big Friendly Dutchman)

417 MOAT (Mother Of All Toms)

418 TOM-ahawk Chop

419 Like Kellen Winslow II, He's A F-ing Soldier

420 Excelsior

421 The Juvenator

422 Pass that Dutch

423 The Delta Project

424 Rotter-damn, He's Good

425 Ba-Dunk-A-Dunk

426 Tomid El-Atimmermans

427 Tom Doe

428 Really Big Boi

429 Mr. "I Don't Think So!"

430 The Tower of Terror

431 The Guy the Leprechaun Legion Doesn't Care About Too Much Because Caring About Him Won't Get Them on TV Like Dressing Up Like Elvis Will

432 Yowza!

433 Lula's Cafe's #1 Customer

434 Martin Inglesby's "Project"

435 A Middle Class Man's Billy Celuck

436 The Netherlands' Resident Authority on the Macarena

437 Mike Sweetney's Cheeseburger Monkey

438 One of the Few Things That Can "Pierce the Corporate Veil"

439 ND's Second-Biggest Fan of the Mock Turtle

440 Healthier Than Both a Cigarette and a Popeye's Biscuit

441 Former Shift Manager at the Now-Defunct Irish Kosher Deli

442 The Hot Hand

443 Mr. February

444 The Funk-Soul Brother

445 The Showtime Rotisserie: Set It and Forget It, But Check Back Every Now and Again to Make Sure It's Not Injured

446 Starsky & Dutch

447 Notre Dame's All-Time Leader in "Full Frontals"

448 Lynchpin

449 Mr. Fantastic

450 JaJunk

451 A Thing That Makes You Go "Hmmm..."

452 Paul Pierce Minus the Green Headband

453 Chuck Lennon's Pep Rally Speech Writer

454 Provolone Without

455 The Guy Behind the Guy

456 The Resume Booster

457 The Next Big Thing

458 Whoa Nellie

459 Old Faithful

460 The World's Shortest Tall Guy

461 Teddy Valentine's Favorite Player About Which To Demonstratively Explain That the Shot Won't Count and We Are, In Fact, Headed the Other Way Subsequent To an Offensive Foul

462 Mr. Player Control Foul

463 Todd Palmer Minus the Suck

464 Todd Palmer With a Slightly Smaller Head

465 Tomasitimmermansos

466 A Really Tall and Athletic Dennis Carroll

467 Marilyn Keough's Favorite Son

468 Smokin'!

469 A Real Big East-Type Guy

470 Iron Chef the Netherlands

471 The Real Zupastar

472 Sir Luscious of Dreyhus

473 Moves

474 Living Proof That "When You're Hot, You're Not"

475 "I Know I Should Get Into Rebounding Position, Because Here Comes A Chris Thomas Ill-Advised Shot"

476 The Avatar of Dutch

477 Master of the Totally Unnecessary Pre-game Warmup Dunk

478 Civil Disobedience

479 Too Big for Anything but Basketball

480 Ballpoint Pen

481 The Vin Diesel of the Big East

482 None More Dutch

483 He takes a lickin' and keeps on dunkin'

484 Under Armour's Posterboy

485 The reason South Carolina seceded from the Union

486 Matt Carroll's Apprentice

487 The Human Snot Rocket

488 Tom the Tool Man Timmermans

489 The Tall Terror

490 The Golden Gun

491 The Non-Haitian Sensation

492 The 28th Amendment

493 Pull N' Peel

494 Not so Tiny Tom

495 Rated MA for mature audiences

496 Dynasty

497 Tom "Once you pop you can't stop" Timmermans

498 The Maginot Line of the JACC

499 Ergonomically Designed for your pleasure

500 Artisan Sandwich No. 50

501 Dutch be Nimble

502 Tom "I like my applesauce chunky" Timmermans

503 Tom "I breathe fundamentals" Timmermans

504 Tommy Tilt the Bench

505 Hollandaise Sauce

506 The Sam's Club of the Big East

507 Vlade Divac minus talent, plus Dutchness

508 Buy one, get Tom free

509 Twinkle Toes

510 Two Ton Tommy

511 The Crown Jewel of The Hague

512 The Dean of Low Post Moves

513 Ibn-al Timmermans

514 The Dutch Onslaught

515 Tommy Take a Seat

516 A Statistician's Worst Nightmare

517 Dutch Chicken: Mongolian Beef's Arch Nemesis

518 Dolby Dutchital Surround Sound

519 da da da daht da dhaa...Charge!

520 Don't leave home without him

521 Would you like to apply for an additional 15% off?

522 Batteries included

523 Energizer [bunny]

524 Copper Top

525 They don't take Visa

526 Charles (Tom) in Charge

527 He doesn't carry cash

528 Debit or Credit?

529 The Hitman

530 Boom Boom

531 Bonecrusher

532 The Taztimmermanian Devil

533 Mr. Inside and Mr. Outside

534 Tommy Basketball

535 Chairman of the Boards

536 To ND Basketball What QB Eagles Is To Tecmo Super Bowl

537 Curator of the Oakland Zoo

538 The Love Below

539 Speakerboxxx

540 More Styles Than A Barbershop

541 XY Ruth Riley

542 I put de balle in de bucket, ya?

543 The Dutch word for the free throw line is 'der gunderstalcht'... coach says I gotta stop sending das guys to der gunderstalcht

544 Tommy Timmers, boy choreographer

545 Holland: Been Playing Hoops Since We Lost Everything To The Nazi War Machine

546 Shaq's Stunt Double In Kazaam!

547 Tom "Bizarlyle" Timmermans

548 Pound For Pound The Best Player On The ND Basketball Team... That's From The Netherlands

549 The Result of Rampant Drug Use and Prostitution in Amsterdam

550 The Grinch Who Stole Kartelo's Minutes (and a Bagel)

551 The Reason Ben Howland Left Pitt

552 Notre Dame's Best Recruiting Tool

553 The Reason We All Go to the JACC

554 If You Dish it, Tom Will Come

555 Gary Busey's Stunt Double

556 Dutch, Dutch, Goose

557 Heidi Fleiss' Best Client

558 Accept No Timmitation

559 The Focus of SportsCentury's Next Episode

560 Only a Benchwarmer Because He's so HOT

561 A Perfect 100 (or 50 times 2) on the Unintentional Comedy Scale

562 Infinity Toms 50 Equals Showtime

563 Shawn Bradley on the Metric Scale

564 English is His Second Language Because Foulin' Out is His Native Tongue

565 Sexier than 2 Dikes

566 Not as Sexy as 3 Dikes Together

567 Tom "Yeah, I'd put my Finger in a Dike... But Only in an Emergency" Timmermans

568 The Future Star of Space Jam 2

569 There's No "I" in Tom, but There is an "OOOHHHHHHHH"

570 Tim Merman, Swimmin' in Hoes

571 Taking 5 for the Team

572 The NBA's Marketing Dream

573 The Only Thing "Throwback" about Him are his Elbow Motions

574 The Mastermind Behind the BCS Formula

575 The Seventh Son of the Gunman on the Grassy Knoll

576 Teehentee

577 The Most Ridiculous ND Foreign Import since 1999

578 Tom "It's Redundant to Say I Played 15 Minutes and Fouled Out" Timmermans

579 The Hidden Agenda of NATO

580 The Biggest Phenomenon since Reuben Boumtje-Boumtje

581 The Best Current ND Baketball Player with Thomas in his Name

582 The Guy Who's Clogging Up the Lane

583 A Ballhandling Travesty Waiting to Happen

584 The Reason Condoms are being Handed out Free in DC

585 Tom "I'm Allergic to MSG" Timmermans

586 Death, Taxes, and Timmermans with more Fouls than Points

587 Number 50 on the INS Most Wanted List

588 Double Oh Fifty: Secret Agent Slam

589 The Not-So Great White Hype

590 Proof That Rik Smits' 15 Minutes of Fame was No Coincidence

591 Archibald M. Nemesis

592 The Trainwreck of Basketball

593 As Nasty as MD/2020 Without the Hangover

594 Smoother than Schlitz Light

595 Phi Slamma Amsterdamma

596 He's not White, He's European

597 The Secret Connection between Gorbachev's Forehead and Drew Brees' Cheek

598 Two Hand Dutch

599 A Timmermans By Another Other Name... Would Involve Copyright Infringment

600 The Last Kid Picked To Play

601 The Original Sin

602 Well Within Your Wildest Dreams

603 Like Dutch Writer Hans Christian Anderson's The Little Mermaid, But With A 6'11" Basketball Player Instead Of A Mermaid

604 Tommy 3000

605 The Dutch Uncle

606 Behind Only Brey In The Level Of Dutch Courage

607 Founding Father of the Dutch West India Company

608 Inventor Of The Dutch Bob Haircut

609 Dutchbob Squarepants

610 Tomfoolery Timmermans

611 Tomcat Timmermans

612 Banging On The Tom-Tom Timmermans

613 Ayatollah Thomeni

614 Same Tom Time, Same Tom Station

615 Pardon Me, Do You Have Any Grey Poutom?

616 Famous Bob Dylan Song "Just Like Tom Timmermans' Blues"

617 David Toms

618 Bigguns

619 A Product of the Coca-Cola Company

620 One-half Of A Two-Man Fast Break Wrecking Crew

621 Co-Writer of Trick Daddy's "I'm a Thug"

622 The Cradle of Civilization

623 The Tom Timmermans Band

624 More Spicy Than Hot

625 Tom Timmermans et al

626 Another Timmermans Honda

627 Tom Flamenco

628 Senor

629 Taking the Big East in an Ever-Easterly Direction

630 Yoko Ono's Fourth Husband

631 Steve Sears' 3rd Favorite Irish Basketball Player

632 Tom T(sqrt(-1))mmermans

633 The Fierce Wind of the North Sea

634 The EU's Strong Right Arm

635 The Great Divide

636 The Man that keeps Belgium down

637 McGlinn's Alarm Clock

638 The Monster of McGlinn

639 574-634-3024

640 Thomas.A.Timmermans.1@nd.edu

641 TAT

642 - .. -- -- . .-. -- .- -. ...

643 Andries the Giant

644 127 Marilyn Keough Hall

645 The Reason Beds in McGlinn are 7 Feet Long

646 There is No Life Size Poster This Big

647 The Big Ticket

648 The Enforcer of the Big East

649 Windsor's Wonderman

650 IU's Dream Recruit

651 T. Andries

652 Andries Mountains

653 The Boat Club's Biggest Bust

654 The Tomatometer

655 Sir Elton Tohm

656 Dunkin' Dutch

657 A line: the shortest distance between two points

658 The greatest product of the Ajax system

659 Patrick Kluivert in wooden basketball shoes

660 A-Ha's Lead Vocalist

661 Queen Beatrix's Royal Center

662 The Next Jan Peter Balkenende

663 Gheorge Muresan's Better Half

664 The Son of a Dutch Carriagemaker

665 PGA Tour golfer Trevor Timmelman(s)

666 Post-Dispatch sports writer Tom Timmermann

667 The Real Number

668 Tom DeLuise

669 THE Tom Timmermans University

670 He's Going To Make House Party Look Like House Party 2

671 It's Called Joyce Center, Not Joyce Ghetto

672 The Result of Penelope Cruz-Cruise Meeting Reuben Boumtje-Boumtje

673 The Don

674 Technical Tom

675 Double T

676 Gravity

677 The Wall

678 Timber

679 Timble

680 50 Stories Tall

681 Tall Boy Tim

682 The Tower

683 Future Notre Dame Starting Offensive Lineman

684 Tom da Bomb

685 Tickle me Tom

686 XXL

687 It's raining Tom

688 Tomopoly

689 Timmer Tom has got it going on

690 Outta Control

691 Tomzilla

692 T to the O to the M

693 Topple Tom

694 The Tom Tom Club

695 The Genius of Love

696 Dutchitally Mixed, Tommy Tutone Timmermans

697 Dutchboy Paint Patrol

698 "Nature Boy" Tom Timmermans

699 Sweet Baby Tom

700 Dutch E. Cheese

701 Half Dollar

702 The Dutch Gotsch

703 Tom Shammtom

704 Tom Tolbert's Illegitimate Dutch Son

705 T-Bone

706 Strong Like Bull

707 T-Tim

708 Swifty

709 Women Love Him, Men Fear and Respect Him

710 E pluribus Tom (Out of many, Tom)

711 Emeka's Worst Nightmare

712 Ludicrous Speed

713 The Human Layup Machine

714 Too Dutch, Too Soon

715 How Dutch is Too Dutch?

716 Tommerknocker Timmermans

717 The High Ankle Sprain

718 The Moving Screen

719 Johnny Fairplay

720 Count Dunkula

721 The Mansierre

722 The Negotiator

723 Mr. Cleanjersey

724 Randall McPherson

725 The Old-Fashioned 2-Point Play

726 Sammy Splintersocks

727 The Tim Andree of the 21st Century

728 Tom Tom the Piper's Son

729 That's Dr. Basketball to you son

730 Tom.com

731 Air Wood

732 The Get Back Kid

733 Projected Late First Round

734 Creator of the CBA Development League

735 The Mayor of SLAMsterdam

736 Tom Timmermints

737 Dutch Mints

738 Trip to my Lou

739 Dutch Professor

740 Tom "I Don't Need to Jump to Dunk" Timmermans

741 Tom............... and the Bonus!

742 Too Le-Dutch to Quit

743 Just a Shade Under 7 Feet of Pure Dutch Love

744 Jolly Green Timmermans

745 The Dean of Local Sports

746 The Dean of International Sports

747 Keyser Soze

748 Ghetto Bastard

749 Don't Mess With Amsterdam

750 Porn Star Dutch Diggler

751 83 Inches in Length

752 Mack Truck

753 Livin' La Vida Timmermans

754 Inventor of the Internet

755 The Meaning of Life

756 Metrosexual

757 Future Governor of California

758 Next Year�s Super Bowl Half-time Show

759 Founded July 31, 1981. Aged to Perfection.

760 Coming to America 2: Here to Stay

761 www.nd.edu/~ttimmerm

762 Team 453

763 Genius

764 Circus Freak

765 iTom

766 Generation NEXT

767 Fluent in Only One Language: Basketball

768 Google search: "Tom Timmermans". 2,090 results, search took 0.19 seconds.

769 Tenacious T

770 Kurt Rambis Without the Specs
771 4M
772 The White Might of Dutch Outta Sight
773 Carpe Dutchman
774 Gonna Ride You Like a Burro on Tom Sunday
775 Tommy Fiasco
776 Tequila Tom, the White Lightning
777 Legal Name: Hercules Rockefeller
778 His Royal Dutchness
779 Dutchie Dutcherson
780 Air Dutch
781 Timberrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmans!
782 The Only Man with A Higher Turnover to Assist Ratio than Chris Thomas
783 Tom "The Tiger (in the sack!)" Timmermans
784 Thumb Fingermans
785 His Dutch Shake Is Better Than Yours
786 The Man of Windmill Slams from The Land of Windmills
787 Mike Brey's Dutch Crutch
788 Dutch is Life...and Tom Timmermans
789 Tom "The Touch" Timmermans
790 The Shocker
791 Tom "M1" Timmermans - 'cuz he's money
792 The Western Yao Ming
793 The Not-So-Far Eastern Yao Ming
794 The Juice of the Joyce
795 Tom "Like a Prayer" Timmermans
796 Like a Drive-by Because He's Up and Down the Floor So Fast
797 Tom "Like Your Mother Because He Always Delivers" Timmermans
798 The Reason Carmelo Left Early
799 The Not-So-Little Dutchboy
800 Tom "Cold Fusion" Timmermans
801 Indian Giver: Because You're Never Gonna Get Another Shot
802 A.I. With Better Shot Selection
803 Dick Vitale's Wet Dream
804 Tom "I'll take you off the dribble and your mom" Timmermans
805 The Thing That Keeps Me Warm On Those Long Cold South Bend Nights
806 Rembrandt's Greatest Masterpiece
807 Tom "Nether say Nether" Timmermans

808 Under the Back Foul

809 The Afro Pick

810 Tommy Von Peekdownblouse

811 Tom "I Think That's My Size 15 Wooden Shoe in your Ass" Timmermans

812 The Netherland Ranch

813 Dutch Nuts in Yo Mouth

814 Tommy Legend

815 Tom "Call Me Anything, Just Don't Call Me Late For" Timmermans

816 Double Bonus

817 Dutch, Yet Always Her Treat

818 You Can Stop Him, and You Can Almost Be Assured of Containing Him

819 Double Dutch Bonus

820 Air Amsterdam

821 LeTom James

822 KLM

823 The Nifty Fifty

824 The 83 Inch Janet Jackson Nipple Ornament

825 Toms With Calcium

826 European Sasquatch Sighting

827 Dehydrated, Anemic Shaquille O'Neal

828 Western Vlade Divac

829 The future winner of an "Indiana All Imported Big Men" knife fight with Ivan Kartello

830 Neither Dutch law nor the Big East bylaws mandate wearing underpants

831 Don't Think Because He's Iced Out That He's Going to Cool Off

832 I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more Dutch Timmermania

833 The Shifty Fifty

834 Tom "My Favorite Cat Stevens Album is Tea For The" Timmermans

835 God Timmergod

836 Shiver Me Timmermans

837 Shock and Awe

838 Poetry in Motion

839 The Personification of "Oh No He Didn't"

840 The Big Matinee

841 The Orange-Man

842 Timmerman's Royal House of Orange

843 Tom Gouda the Basket

844 Coach Brey Looks Like He Had Bad Breath

845 Yesterday's Breakfast

846 Ivan Kartello's Illegitimate Son

847 Jere Macura's Legitimate Dad

848 Goldmember

849 The Dutch Priest

850 The Apple of Coach Brey's Big White European Basketball Eye

851 Hostile Takeover

852 Get Up, Get Down, Get On The Floor

853 2-3 Zone Killer

854 Gouda if it Goes

855 T2: Judgment Day

856 Timmerman Toast Crunch

857 Death From Above

858 The Timmerman Cometh

859 Do You Know the Timmer Man

860 We Can See You're TT!

861 Let's Go Dutch!

862 Holland Dazed and Confused

863 The Plague from the Hague

864 Tom the Tulip

865 Dutch Obliged

866 The Captain That Righted the Notre Dame Basketball Ship

867 Master and Commander

868 Tom "Enough to Overcome CT's Poor Shot Selection" Timmermans

869 The Classic Proverb: Tom is Money

870 NKOTB: Netherlands' King of the Bend

871 The Dutch E-Z Bake Oven

872 Tom "Guess Who Has a 3PT Percentage Now?" Timmermans

873 The White Whale to Our Opponents' Metaphoric Captain Ahab

874 Timms

875 The Bracket Buster

876 The NCAA Leader in Intangibles

877 Peeping Tom

878 Big Shawns Marions

879 Trey Timmermans

880 The Answer to the Question: What Da Hook Gon' Be?

881 50 Euro Cent

882 Uncle Tom Timmerman's Dutch Cabin

883 Thomas The (Dutch) Tank Engine

884 The Irish Beast

885 JACC in the Box

886 CT's Big Dutch Security Blanket

887 Hickory Dickory Dutch

888 Big Poppa

889 T-Murder

890 Driehuis Dream Machine

891 Mr. Short Black Dress Socks

892 Better Shooter Than Colin Falls

893 Jolly Dutch Giant

894 Is He a Factor? Is He a Non-Factor? Nobody Knows!

895 The Reason Hakim Warrick Wakes Up in a Cold Sweat

896 Schweaty Palms

897 Dutch Dimeman

898 Long Tom Silvers

899 Most Likely to Appear in a Local TV Commercial (after Mike Brey)

900 Blonde Vlade Divac Without the Beard

901 The Real Reason Tourists Go to the Netherlands

902 A Better Pure Passer Than Ben Roethlisberger

903 Tommy Hustle

904 Tom "Atkins Friendly" Timmermans

905 The Blue Ridge Bomber

906 Tom "Droppin' Dimes" Timmermans

907 The Dime Droppin' Dutchman

908 The Great Wall of the Netherlands

909 The Incredible Bulk

910 Tom "Call Me Ishmael...No, Don't" Timmermans

911 The Mark Paul Gosselaar of Basketball

912 A Streetcar Named Timmermans

913 The Human Subliminal Rorschach Test

914 Like the Pythagorean Theorem... There is No Answer

915 Tom "Chad, Get Off My Jock" Timmermans

916 Mr. T Sans Bling Bling

917 The Notorious T.A.T.

918 The TAT Offensive

919 JusTom Timberlake

920 Tom Timmermans, So Hot Right Now

921 The Dutch Equivalent of Mardi Gras Beads

922 Timmer man... MER MAN

923 Not Just a Big Dutchman Dunking Basketballs. A Big Dutchman Dunking Basketballs, Old School.

924 Equal Parts Size, Athleticism, and Dutch

925 There's No "I" in Team Because it's in "Timmermans"

926 When You're Not Looking, This Nickname is in Spanish

927 Honesty is the Best Policy, But Timmermans is the Best Defense

928 Tom "Keeping the Mid-Range Jumpshot Alive" Timmermans

929 Not Quite the Sum of His Parts

930 TT the Dutch Plane

931 The Dutch Express

932 Tom "Hot Sizzle" Timmermans

933 Come Mr. Timmerman, Tommy Me Banana

934 Tom Petty and the Fastbreakers

935 March Madness to the Beat of the Tom-Tom

936 Timmermonkey

937 Tom "I Broke Okafor Down Off the Dribble" Timmermans

938 Not So Tiny Tim Tommermans

939 The Reason For at Least One of Stuart Scott's 15,000 Boo-yah's

940 The Okeydoke Dutch Show

941 The Antilles Heel

942 The Netherlands Neanderthal

943 Brey's Bodyguard

944 Elton Thom

945 Tommy at the Nets

946 Dutchy Feely

947 A Man-and-a-Half

948 Thom Thumbermans

949 A Blond That Every Mother Could Love

950 Dream Date for a Big Girl

951 Identified Foreign Object

952 Tom Timmer-Super-mans

953 Timmer-califragilisticexpialidocious

954 Tom Swishermans

955 Fr. Hesburg's Window Washer

956 West Quad's Golden Dome

957 The Kolassus of Keough

958 JACCpot

959 BookStore ' 04 Dream-Come-True

960 Drive for Show, Dunk for Dough

961 The Irish Assassin

962 Tom "Redifining Eye Level" Timmermans

963 Holland's Highest Elevation

964 Tom-ta-Tom-Tom

965 Hoop-La

966 Troy Murphy Only Smarter

967 Big, Bold, Blond and Beautiful

968 Envy of the Little People

969 The Skyscraper of South Bend

970 Two-and-a-Third Yardsticks

971 The Blond Hypotenuse

972 The European Invasion

973 Bucketman

974 The Center From Helland

975 Give Him an Inch and He'll Be Seven Feet!

976 Reinforced for Wind Shear

977 Leprauchan Legion's Legend

978 Why Women Weep

979 Total Eclipse of the Library

980 Wing Span Man

981 Every Inch a Winner

982 This Blond's No Joke!

983 Leaps Small Defenders in a Single Bound

984 Hoop Hoop Hooray

985 The Big Ticket

986 Working OverTom

987 Add a Flux Capacitor, and He'll Be a Tom Machine

988 The Human Matchup Problem

989 The Answer to the Question: What's Cooler Than Being Cool?

990 The Man for All Seasons

991 The Most Underrated, Underrated Player in the Country

992 The JACC of All Trades

993 Grace in its Purest Form

994 Honorable Mention All Big East

995 The Human Genome

996 The RPI Booster

997 The Human Joystick

998 He's Not a Player He's Just Dutch a Lot

999 The Greatest Center named Tom to Come out of Holland via Virginia

1000 The Man of a Thousand Nicknames

1001 Dutch Gold - (the Natty Light of Ireland, just like Tom, it might not be pretty or smooth, but it gets the job done)
1002 The Token European on the ND Basketball Team
1003 The Amsterdam Live Sex Show
1004 El Gigante
1005 Throwing Elbows From the Elbow
1006 Special, But Not Special Like the Kid Down the Street Special, But Special Like Special K
1007 Top Shelf
1008 Sometimes Three Seconds, But Never Sloppy Seconds
1009 Big Tom Studd
1010 The Human Tetherball Pole
1011 Stretch Velvet
1012 I Signed Up to Host a Dutch, Blonde, Foreign Exchange Student, and This is What They Sent Me
1013 The Dutchman Cometh
1014 Tom "Bring Your Green Hat" Timmermans
1015 Snoop Dogg's Second Cousin, Once Removed
1016 1/8 of the g g g g g G-unit
1017 The Newest Member of the Roc-A-Fella Family
1018 Dutch & Go
1019 Holla ND!
1020 To HOLL AND Back
1021 Tom "I Like Tulip Service You" Timmermans
1022 Tom "I'll Wind Your Mill Up" Timmermans
1023 Tom "I'm Not Related to Ann Frank" Timmermans
1024 Dutchdown Jesus
1025 The Divine Proportion
1026 Gerry McNamara's Evil Twin
1027 The Reason St. John's Only Has Eight Players
1028 Keith "Tractor" Traylor's Protege
1029 Turns Third and Inches Into Fourth and Long
1030 Timmerlans Shoe Co.
1031 T-Bag
1032 McGlinn's "O" Face
1033 Dutch By Birth, All-American on the Basketball Court

Initial Internal Monologue on the Johan Santana Trade

aka me arguing with myself:

Point: The Twins get 4 of the Mets' top 7 prospects.

Counterpoint: But even Baseball America said that that wasn't enough for Johan Santana.

Counter-counterpoint #1: Most sources are comparing the actual deal to the Yankees offer that included Philip Hughes, and the Red Sox offer that included Jon Lester and Jacoby Ellsbury. Hughes and Lester had been taken off the table, and some sources project Ellsbury to be only the next Dave Roberts.

Counter-counterpoint #2: The Twins have always had a good eye for prospects. Santana was a Rule 5 pick, and they got Francisco Liriano, Joe Nathan, and Boof Bonser in return for AJ Pierzynski.

Counter-counter-counterpoint (to #2): True, but the Pierzynski deal was Terry Ryan. Bill Smith is the new GM.

Counter-counter-counter-counterpoint: Smith was Ryan's "right-hand man." So I wouldn't count him out yet, but it's probably too early to tell.


Meanwhile, many pessimistic sources see the Yankees and Red Sox missing out on Santana, and believe that the two teams will use that money to outbid the Indians for CC Sabathia. That and more Indians news (hopefully) later this week.

Notre Dame Alumni in the NFL Playoffs

Rocky Boiman, LB - Indianapolis: Wild Card: bye; Division: 1 special teams assisted tackle
Jerome Collins, TE - New York Giants: Wild Card: inactive; Division: inactive; Conference: inactive; Super Bowl: inactive
Anthony Fasano, TE - Dallas: Wild Card: bye; Division: 1 catch 5 yards
Marcus Freeman, TE - New York Giants: practice squad
David Givens, WR - Tennessee: Physically Unable to Perform
Ryan Grant, RB - Green Bay: Wild Card: bye; Division: 27 rush 201 yards 3 TD, 2 receptions 3 yards, 2 fumbles; Conference: 13 rush 29 yards, 1 reception -3 yards, 1 forced fumble
Craig Hentrich, P/K - Tennessee: Wild Card: 5 punts 198 yards 39.6 average 37.2 net 43 long
Carlyle Holiday, WR - Green Bay: Injured Reserve
Julius Jones, RB - Dallas: Wild Card: bye; Division: 3 rush 8 yards
Derek Landri, DT - Jacksonville: Wild Card: 1 interception 3 yds, fumble recovery, 1 sack 3 yds, 1 pass defended; Division: 1 assisted tackle, 1 quarterback hit
Sean Mahan, C - Pittsburgh: Last Week (team): 43 rush yards 2 TD, 337 pass yards 6 sacks
Luke Petitgout, T - Tampa Bay: Injured Reserve
Mike Richardson, CB - New England: practice squad/injured reserve
Allen Rossum, CB/PR - Pittsburgh: Wild Card: inactive
Hunter Smith, P - Indianapolis: Wild Card: bye; Division: 1 punt 49 yds touchback
Maurice Stovall, WR - Tampa Bay - Injured Reserve

Justin Tuck, DE - New York Giants: Wild Card: 2 tackles, 1 assisted tackle, 1 quarterback hit; Division: 1 tackle; Conference: 3 tackles, 1 assisted tackle, 1 quarterback hit, 1 pass defended; Super Bowl: 5 tackles, 1 assisted tackle, 2 sacks -14 yards, 2 quarterback hits, 1 forced fumble

Top Ten Ways Sports Are Better Than Politics, In Increasing Order Of How Much Those Politicians Are Missing Out

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient

#10: In politics, no one cares if you can dunk.

#9: You can watch sports on ESPN, ABC, NBC, Fox . . . the list goes on. What do politicians get? C-SPAN.

#8: Everything can be explained with a sports metaphor. Even politics are better explained using sports metaphors. Metaphorically, politics only relate to business meetings, bad reality-TV shows, and ancient Europe.

#7: If you're looking for a political party, you really only have two mascots to choose from.

#6: Sports can have politics, but you'll never see two senators tossing a ball around the senate floor.

#5: In sports, you don't have to make shady, back-room, quasi-legal deals to make a lot of money. You just have to make a shoe commercial.

#4: In politics, overt physical violence against one's opponent on a personal level is discouraged.

#3: Cheerleaders.

#2: If you're in a political party, personal vices can get you fired. If you play a professional sport, personal vices just add to the mystique.

#1: In sports, you come crashing out of a huge hoop to rock music, fireworks, and tens of thousands of fans standing and screaming. In politics, you say "present.'

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

New York Knicks coach Isiah Thomas' 19-year-old son was arrested for underage drinking. His father immediately signed him to a six-year contract. The news is especially unfortunate because everything had been going so well for Isiah.

Heat center Shaquille O'Neal has indicated that he will keep playing basketball for at least two more years. The rap world is thrilled.

Nike's new Jordan 23s will cost $230 a pair. You may think that's extravagant but $115 of that goes directly to Michael Jordan's ex-wife. Wow, $230 for shoes. To afford that, you'd pretty much have to be a habitual gambler.

An arbitrator ruled that Terrell Owens owes the Philadelphia Eagles $800,000 in signing bonus money. Owens can earn this simply by skipping his next overdose.

Terrell Owens reportedly exchanged phone numbers with Paris Hilton in a Dallas nightclub, probably to discuss their mutual love of train wrecks.

Former Silver medalist boxer Amir Khan is already drawing big money and big hype, despite non-thrilling performances against ordinary opposition. Apparently "Amir Khan" is Pakistani for "Ryan Leaf."

And a group called ProjectFranchise.org is raising money to buy a professional sports team, and plans to let the fans vote on every decision. The group is based in Miami, but the Heat, Dolphins, and Marlins are not being considered. The point, after all is to buy a professional sports team.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Bill Belichick Wasn't a Complete Failure in Cleveland

Editor's Note: Multiple posts today! Scroll down to see my quick take of the Clemens Report. If you subscribed to my RSS feed, you wouldn't have to worry about missing posts on multiple posts days. Hint hint.

Joe Posnanski is a Cleveland native and the author of The Soul of Baseball, which is the story of a year in the life of Buck O'Neil. It's a fantastic book, and I need to review it on this site someday.

Anyways, Posnanski has a blog that is becoming increasingly popular among those in the baseball and sports blogospheres. In a recent post he explains that while his time in Cleveland wasn't perfect, Bill Belichick wasn't a complete failure with the Cleveland Browns.

Roger Clemens Report

The report created by Roger Clemens' attorneys in an attempt to prove he didn't take steroids is now online:
http://www.rogerclemensreport.com/reports/ClemensReport.pdf

I wish I had the time to break this down fully. But scanning it, here
are some amusing highlights:

• A list of Hall of Fame pitchers who played past age 40, to prove that
  it's not uncommon. Nevermind that most of the pitchers are:
  
  
  
  • From the turn of the century, when arm-straining pitches like
    sliders and split finger fastballs didn't exist. (Ironically, the
    report names Clemens' addition of a splitter as one of the reasons for
    his longevity). Or,
  
  
  • Relievers, who obviously don't pitch as much, or
  
  
  • Knuckleballers and spitballers like Neikro and Gaylord Perry
  
  
  
  
• One of the authors lists himself as a black belt in Tae Kwon Do.


• A random poorly-scanned chart that claims Clemens would have gone
  24-3 with an ERA under 2.00 at Arlington in 2005. I'm sure it
  egregiously neglects the fact that Arlington is one of the best
  hitter's parks in the league, meaning he would have given up more runs
  in addition to getting better run support.

Trivia of the day:
Cy Young, as the report mentions, pitched until he was 44. Legend has it
that he retired not because he couldn't pitch any more, but because
everyone started bunting against him and he was too old to get off the
mound to field the ball.

Read with Brady Quinn

Brady Quinn, the quarterback who makes girls go chica-chica-boom-boom, sat down as part of the Read with the Browns program to read his favorite childhood story, Chica Chica Boom Boom. The article is here; click on the "Read with the Browns" link under "Related Media" to bring up the video player.



My thoughts:

• His hair is growing back nicely.


• This is a much better acting job than the EAS commercial... except for the "Oh no!" line.


• How did he get through that entire book with a straight face?

Notre Dame Senior Bowl Recap

As I mentioned last week, Tom Zbikowski, Trevor Laws, John Sullivan, and John Carlson were selected to play in this year's Senior Bowl. Unfortunately, per Blue Gray Sky, Carlson was unable to play due to illness.

Also unfortunate is the fact that I wasn't able to see the game, so this recap comes completely from the stat sheet (PDF). Zbikowski started for the North, and recorded five tackles, good for fourth best on the team. He also recovered a fumble.

But to Notre Dame followers, the Senior Bowl was finally Trevor Laws' moment in the sun. Coming off the bench, Laws recorded six tackles, good for third on the team behind big names Dan Conner and Xavier Adibi. Laws also had a sack, and ran a fumble recovery back 6 yards. Laws played hard all year during a difficult season, and got little attention for it. But his performance during the Senior Bowl, and during the week of practice leading up to it, should raise his draft stock considerably.

UPDATE: Michael Rothstein of Irish Insights adds that Laws was named Most Outstanding Lineman and Zbikowski had a 38-yard kickoff return which was named Long Distance Play of the Game.

UPDATE #2: NFL.com's highlight video has a clip of Laws' fumble recovery and run.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Dan Marino's cell phone went off twice on a CBS' Sprint Halftime Report. Turns out it was Tom Brady and Eli Manning, calling to rub it in.

The Super Bowl is set with the Giants and the Patriots. It's about time New York and Boston had some kind of rivalry.

Muhammad Ali Enterprises is launching an official online store. Details are still shaky.

The good news is that Justine Henin and Maria Sharapova battled at the Australian Open. The bad news is they were both fully clothed.

NCAA Division II will expand to Canada, in a new division known as the N-C-Eh-Eh.

Bobby Knight has become the first men's Division I coach to reach 900 victories. Knight thanked IKEA.

The Lakers' injury list continues to grow. Pretty soon, Kobe Bryant will run out of people to not pass to.

And Miami baller Alonzo Mourning announced he may not retire after this year. Just what Florida needs: more old people who can't drive. Why not stick around? The team's doing great with him. How bad are the Miami Heat? In comparison, the Dolphins are now just mediocre.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

The New York Yankees paid a $23.5 million luxury tax, directly to the Florida Marlins. The Marlins plan on using the money to compete with the Nationals for fourth place.

Barry Bonds appeared in court this week, wearing a suit with the biggest neck hole ever.

The Michigan State Spartans benched five players from the Champs Sports Bowl, due to various violations. Among the five were defensive standouts Jonal Saint-Dic and SirDarean Adams, who were benched for having silly names.

Speaking of silly names, in tennis, Dominik Hrbaty pulled out of the Australian Open, after injuring his elbow while trying to buy a vowel.

After a 9-16 start, the Bulls fired coach Scott Skiles. Hey New York Knicks: see how easy that was? In related news, the Miami Dolphins set their coach on fire.

Golfer Lorena Ochoa was selected the AP's female athlete of the year for the second year in a row, narrowly edging out Alex Rodriguez. Tom Brady won the AP's male athlete of the year, after impregnating half the judges.

And for the first time in four years, Michelle Wie did not receive one of the four sponsors exemptions to play in the Sony Open. This year, the tournament decided to give the exemptions to golfers.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

The Bejing Olympic torch will make an appearance in Tiananmen Square, before being crushed by a tank.

Knicks coach Isiah Thomas has said that all of his players are "untouchable." Much like plague victims and lepers. Despite this, Thomas believes that the women in the organization are plenty touchable.

New Jersey Net Jason Kidd is having a child with his girlfriend. Kidd is excited to be credited with the assist.

Congress called a special hearing to tell Major League Baseball to crack down on steroids. Because they've really got that whole war issue wrapped up.

Sprinter Marion Jones has been sentenced to six months in prison. But with her speed, she'll be out in three.

And double-amputee sprinter Oscar Pistorius has said he will appeal his ban from competing in the Beijing Olympics. It's nice to hear he's still stumping for change. It's a nice gesture, but legally the guy doesn't have a leg to stand on. When reached for comment, Pistorious said, "arrrrr!"


For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

The Detroit Lions fired offensive coordinator Mike Martz after going 1-7 in the second half. Martz was surprised as it was Detroit's best second half in ten years. The Detroit Lions had started the season 6-2 before suddenly remembering they were the Detroit Lions.

The San Francisco 49ers did not fire coach Mike Nolan, instead blaming their 5-11 season on global warming.

Marion Jones has asked a judge not to give her jail time, saying her disgrace was punishment enough. Which will set up a very convincing insanity plea. Yes, humiliation is a true substitute for jail time. Luckily for Jones, this is the same judge that ordered an armed robber to be publicly nooggied. In fairness, Jones was stripped of all of her medals. And there's no replacing those - except with the millions of dollars she got to keep.

Munich is a strong candidate for the 2018 Olympics. Because that went so well last time.

The New York Knicks are so bad, they're the forth best basketball team in the New York area, behind the Nets, the Liberty, and the NYU Violets. The Knicks are so bad that they make Miami look like they have a good team. A good football team.

And the Boston Celtics have the best record in the Eastern Conference. In fairness, most of their games are against teams in the Eastern Conference.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Maria Sharapova claimed that Women's Tennis is free from corruption. However, there are financial bonuses for grunting.

The already retired Martina Hingis has been inexplicably banned for two years for testing positive for cocaine. That'll show her. Officials learned of her cocaine problem after she snorted the service line.

New York Jets safety Kerry Rhodes is dating one of the team's offensive lineman. I'm sorry - he's dating Jennifer Hudson.

Grambling head coach Rod Broadway denied the rumor that he's leaving the school. He admitted, however, that he is named after a gay porn star.

The Dolphins fired coach Cam Cameron, just 16 games too late. The Knicks have already made an offer.

81-year-old Penn State coach Joe Paterno said he planned to honor his two-year contract. Mother Nature has yet to sign the deal.

Floyd Mayweather is mulling over a move to Mixed Martial Arts, and Roy Jones worked out with the New York Knicks. The two were no longer content with boring fans to tears in just one sport.

And Former All-Star pitcher Gerry Staley has died at the age of 87. The Yankees have since offered their condolences and a two-year contract.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

The New York Knicks paid Anucha Browne Sanders $11.5 million to settle her lawsuit. Makes sense - the Knicks paying millions to someone who can't play basketball.

Wayne Huzienga says he'd be willing to sell the Dolphins, or trade them for a pro football team.

The 2012 U.S. Olympic track and field trials will be held in Eugene. A somewhat frazzled Eugene could not be reached for comment.

Alex Rodriguez said that he and agent Scott Boras are not speaking to each other. It may last the whole season, but A-Rod plans to cave in October.

Roger Clemens has denied he used steroids and said he'd love to meet his accuser face to oversized face.

In 2009, George Steinbrenner High School opens in Tampa and for the first time, Steinbrenner will be associated with the grossly underpaid. The school principal has already been fired four times.

Manny Ramirez's game-used do-rags are available for $26 on eBay. That's a bargain, considering the current price of oil.

And the New York Mets will raise ticket prices about 20% for next season. The Mets will use the extra cash to pay for all the steroids and losing. Thankfully, ticket prices will decrease by 7% over the last 17 games of the season.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

News and Notes

• At the bottom of each post, I've added a button that will let you bookmark the post to Digg, Reddit, etc., if you're into that sort of thing.


• I also included links to the site's two RSS feeds at the bottom of each post, so please give those a try. If either of these two updates is an eyesore, please let me know.


• On Facebook? Join the KankaNation group!


• I'm hoping to have the countdown clock up again soon. Please check out this thread on the message board and chime in on who should be on this year's clock.


• Congratulations to Justin Tuck, who celebrated a 10 sack season with a huge contract extension. Oh, and he's going to the Super Bowl.


• If you believe the stories, even only to a small extent, Josh Gibson may have been the greatest ballplayer ever. So, I often wondered, why did he never make it to the Major Leagues? Sadly, Gibson died of a brain tumor in January 1947, mere months before Jackie Robinson made his famous debut.

Recent posts, in case you missed them:

• The KankaSports Hall of Fame Class of 2008


• My annual email correspondence with Dave about this year's baseball hall of fame class


• Klondike's interpretations of various crowd cheers and jeers


• Notre Dame Men's and Women's Basketball and Men's Hockey schedule


• Some Cleveland Indians news


• Zbikowski, Laws, Carlson, and Sullivan to play in next Saturday's Senior Bowl


• Notre Dame Alumni in the NFL Playoffs update

Finally, what better a day to post one of my all-time favorite Fr. Hesburgh pictures:

Notre Dame Alumni in the NFL Playoffs

Rocky Boiman, LB - Indianapolis: Wild Card: bye; Division: 1 special teams assisted tackle
Jerome Collins, TE - New York Giants: Wild Card: inactive; Division: inactive; Conference: inactive
Anthony Fasano, TE - Dallas: Wild Card: bye; Division: 1 catch 5 yards
Marcus Freeman, TE - New York Giants: practice squad
David Givens, WR - Tennessee: Physically Unable to Perform

Ryan Grant, RB - Green Bay: Wild Card: bye; Division: 27 rush 201 yards 3 TD, 2 receptions 3 yards, 2 fumbles; Conference: 13 rush 29 yards, 1 reception -3 yards, 1 forced fumble
Craig Hentrich, P/K - Tennessee: Wild Card: 5 punts 198 yards 39.6 average 37.2 net 43 long
Carlyle Holiday, WR - Green Bay: Injured Reserve
Julius Jones, RB - Dallas: Wild Card: bye; Division: 3 rush 8 yards
Derek Landri, DT - Jacksonville: Wild Card: 1 interception 3 yds, fumble recovery, 1 sack 3 yds, 1 pass defended; Division: 1 assisted tackle, 1 quarterback hit
Sean Mahan, C - Pittsburgh: Last Week (team): 43 rush yards 2 TD, 337 pass yards 6 sacks
Luke Petitgout, T - Tampa Bay: Injured Reserve
Allen Rossum, CB/PR - Pittsburgh: Wild Card: inactive
Hunter Smith, P - Indianapolis: Wild Card: bye; Division: 1 punt 49 yds touchback
Maurice Stovall, WR - Tampa Bay - Injured Reserve
Justin Tuck, DE - New York Giants: Wild Card: 2 tackles, 1 assisted tackle, 1 quarterback hit; Division: 1 tackle; Conference: 3 tackles, 1 assisted tackle, 1 quarterback hit, 1 pass defended

Four Notre Dame Stars to Play in Senior Bowl

Notre Dame was shut out of the Hula Bowl and the East-West Shrine game, but Tom Zbikowski, Trevor Laws, John Carlson, and John Sullivan were added to the Senior Bowl roster this year. The Senior Bowl is the most prestigious of all postseason graduate bowls, as it features a heavy dose of NFL scouts and coaches.

The game is next Saturday, January 26, at 3:00 Eastern. Now the bad news - it's on the NFL Network. (However, if you do get the NFL Network, you should also be able to watch the full week of Senior Bowl practices leading up to the game.)

Cleveland Indians News

Baseball America just released their free list of this year's Cleveland Indians Top 10 Prospects. There's a decent amount of moving and shaking, as seen by comparing last year's projected 2010 lineup to this year's projected 2011 lineup. Per BA, Ryan Garko's emergence will keep Victor Martinez behind the plate, at least 4 out of every 5 games. Most Cleveland fans have already permanently replaced Josh Barfield with Asdrubal Cabrera. But the big surprise is at third base. Sure, many are already calling Andy Marte a bust. But not many people have 2007 first round pick Beau Mills as the Tribe's hot corner man of the future already. Heck, when he was drafted, some questioned whether Mills had the glove to even play third base professionally.
In the outfield, Nick Weglarz replaces Trevor Crowe, who had a fall from grace after a failed experiment at 2B towards the end of 2006. Of course, in 2008 Crowe will be eager to prove he should still be in Cleveland's future plans. The rest of the lineup and rotation, and the closer's role, are rounded out by guys who established themselves in 2007 - Franklin Gutierrez, Fausto Carmona, Aaron Laffey, Rafael Perez - and two guys who have the talent to be knocking on the door in 2008 - Adam Miller and Chuck Lofgren.

For those of you who prefer listening to reading, check out Baseball Prospectus' radio page for an interview with Indians Assistant GM Chris Antonetti. Antonetti was one of the hottest commodities in the future GM market, until he signed a deal to stay and Cleveland and become Mark Shapiro's successor when Shapiro is eventually promoted to team president.

Notre Dame Alumni in the NFL Playoffs

Rocky Boiman, LB - Indianapolis: Last Week: bye; This Week: 1 special teams assisted tackle
Jerome Collins, TE - New York Giants: Last Week: inactive; This Week: inactive
Anthony Fasano, TE - Dallas: Last Week: bye; This Week: 1 catch 5 yards
Marcus Freeman, TE - New York Giants: practice squad
David Givens, WR - Tennessee: Physically Unable to Perform

Ryan Grant, RB - Green Bay: Last Week: bye; This Week: 27 rush 201 yards 3 TD, 2 receptions 3 yards, 2 fumbles
Craig Hentrich, P/K - Tennessee: Last Week: 5 punts 198 yards 39.6 average 37.2 net 43 long
Carlyle Holiday, WR - Green Bay: Injured Reserve
Julius Jones, RB - Dallas: Last Week: bye; This Week: 3 rush 8 yards

Derek Landri, DT - Jacksonville: Last Week: 1 interception 3 yds, fumble recovery, 1 sack 3 yds, 1 pass defended; This Week: 1 assisted tackle, 1 quarterback hit
Sean Mahan, C - Pittsburgh: Last Week (team): 43 rush yards 2 TD, 337 pass yards 6 sacks
Luke Petitgout, T - Tampa Bay: Injured Reserve
Allen Rossum, CB/PR - Pittsburgh: Last Week: inactive
Hunter Smith, P - Indianapolis: Last Week: bye; This Week: 1 punt 49 yds touchback
Maurice Stovall, WR - Tampa Bay - Injured Reserve

Justin Tuck, DE - New York Giants: Last Week: 2 tackles, 1 assisted tackle, 1 quarterback hit; This Week: 1 tackle

In addition, several coaches with Notre Dame ties are in the playoffs. I didn't have time to track down stats, or even to find everyone that may be associated with ND, but these few jumped out:
Green Bay: Tom Clements Quarterbacks Coach, Kurt Schottenheimer Secondary Coach
Jacksonville: Andy Heck Offensive Line Coach
New England: Dean Pees Defensive Coordinator
Tampa Bay: Jim Gruden Personnel Consultant

Notre Dame Winter Sports Schedule

If you're like me, you've had a difficult time following Notre Dame's winter sports after graduating. Football is easy - you just turn on the TV every Saturday, and there they are. But the basketball and hockey teams play at irregular times during the week, and they're not always on TV. That's why I came up with this consolidated schedule, complete with TV listings. In the words of a certain SDH card swiper, "Enjoy."



Click here to see the entire schedule in a new window.

Twelve Rough Translations Of The Things That The Spectators Are Yelling At You, In Increasing Magnitude Of Subtle Nuance

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient

Editor's Note: Scroll down for Dave and my annual email exchange about the Baseball Hall of Fame inductions.

#12
What They Are Yelling: "Boo!"
Rough Translation: You just participated in something very bad. Intentions do not matter. Bad luck does not matter. Not being a savant does not matter. What matters is that you are entirely responsible for bad things happening, and that you must mend your ways immediately. From this moment forward, remember what you have just done, and take all necessary steps to ensure that it never happens again.

#11
What They Are Yelling: "Whoo!"
Rough Translation: You just did something very good. The spectators find this acceptable, and their collective expectations concerning your future endeavors have been raised. Remember what you just did, because you are now expected to repeat it unfailingly for the rest of your career.

#10
What They Are Yelling: "Defense!"
Rough Translation: Your opposition is maneuvering in a way that is disadvantageous to you. You must immediately ascertain how and why, and take appropriate mitigating action to the utmost extent that you are able. If the opposition's maneuvers are successful in any way, it is your fault, and you are a bad person.

#9
What They Are Yelling: "Throw the Ball!"
Rough Translation: You currently have a ball of some kind in your possession. This is unacceptable. Get rid of this ball immediately. Do everything you can to get the ball as far away from you as possible. Propelling the ball with your arm(s) is fine, but dropping and/or kicking the ball will probably be frowned upon.

#8
What They Are Yelling: "Catch the Ball!"
Rough Translation: You currently do not have a ball of some kind in your possession. This is unacceptable. Fortunately, there may be some kind of ball heading in your general direction. Position yourself in such a fashion as to intercept the ball. Once again, it is usually important that you do not subsequently drop or kick the ball.

#7
What They Are Yelling: "Run The Ball!"
Rough Translation: You currently have a ball of some kind at Point A. It is imperative that both you and the ball arrive at Point B as expeditiously as possible. Forget about your teammates, your game-plan, your coach and your mother; all you need to know is that you are at Point A, and this is unacceptable.

#6
What They Are Yelling: "Go!"
Rough Translation: Usually, this indicates that the situation you are in requires you to run as fast as you can. Do not stop. Do not think. Do not throw anything or look for anyone or wait for conditions to improve. Run, and keep running until an appropriate authority indicates otherwise. Alternately, this could be a general exhortation to succeed, but it is best to be safe and just start running.

#5
What They Are Yelling: "Go-Go-Go!"
Rough Translation: The situation you are in requires you to run faster than any human has ever run, ever. You should run so fast that you cannot stop without arrestor cables and drogue parachutes. You should run so fast that Zombie Einstein will have to come up with a new mass-energy equation just for you. If you have tunnel vision, it means you can still see, and you aren't running fast enough. Scream, if you like; if you run as fast as your situation requires, no one will hear you.

#4
What They Are Yelling: "Go For It!"
Rough Translation: You are currently faced with a number of options. One of those options involves an inordinately high degree of risk. This is the option you must take, regardless of the level of any possible reward. Success will validate the collective tactical genius of the spectators. Failure will be entirely your fault, because you are fundamentally incapable.

#3
What They Are Yelling: "Go! Fight! Win! Yay!"
Rough Translation: Those are not spectators. Those are cheerleaders. Get your head in the game.

#2
What They Are Yelling: "Get Him!"
Rough Translation: A member of the opposition is living, breathing, and doing something to further the designs of the opposition. He should be doing none of these things, and it is your task to make it so. Efficiency in this endeavor is good, but thoroughness is better.

#1
What They Are Yelling: "You Suck!"
Rough Translation: Your recent performance was breathtakingly abysmal, and the consequences are too horrifying to contemplate. Call your mother, your grandmother, a priest, the Whiskey Monster, and Santa Claus, but don't expect forgiveness because they will not give it to you. A Hall Of Shame will be founded specifically to enshrine your actions. This house of horrors will subsequently be closed due to the singular, unmatchable nadir of your atrocities, and finally burned to the ground in an unsuccessful attempt to expunge the disgrace that you have inflicted upon the world. You should move to a snow-blasted island somewhere in the Canadian arctic, because nobody will ever love you or accept you, or even acknowledge you as a fellow human being, for the rest of eternity.

Dave and Kanka's Annual Baseball Hall of Fame Email Conversation

From: Dave
To: Kanka
10:28 AM

Hall of Fame announcements are today. Here's my ballot:

In:
Goose Gossage. Having not lived through his era, I didn't realize his greatness until I really started reading about him. Lots of things that can't be captured through today's conventional game.

Jack Morris. If I have to explain this again this year, then you clearly haven't been paying attention to my emails the last few years.

Close but no cigar:
Jim Rice. I wouldn't have a big problem if he got in, since he did have some dominant years, but I don't know enough about him.

Andre Dawson. He was really good, but when people say they're voting for him, they inevitably say, "he'd be a shoe-in if he wasn't hurt all the time." Umm, but he was, and it affected his body of work over the course of his career.

Todd Stottlemyre. Kidding, just seeing if you're paying attention.

---

From: Kanka
To: Dave
11:09 AM

Here's someone who's keeping track of published ballots:
http://www.meadowparty.com/blog/?p=118

Here's an abbreviated look at where I stand right now. My opinion may
or may not change over the course of the day:

In:
Gossage
Burt Blyleven - Very good for a very long period of time. I tend to
award longevity - hey, if you're good enough to stay in the league for
that long, you much be doing something right.

On the fence yes:
Morris - I know you're a huge fan. I just need to go back and check
my notes again.

On the fence maybe:
Rock Raines - Quietly put up big numbers for a long time. He won't
get in this year, but I'm curious to see how well he does.

I'm not allowed to comment since I'm on the committee, but he did play
for the Big Red Machine:
Dave Concepcion

---

From: Dave
To: Kanka
11:36 AM

Ummmm....what committee are you on that you can't discuss Dave
Concepcion?

I won't tell my grandkids someday about the greatness of Bert Blyleven
(nor would I had I actually seen him pitch, according to most things
I've read, so he's out. I dunno

---

From: Kanka
To: Dave
1:27 PM

That was a Joe Morgan reference. Every time he's asked about the Hall
of Fame, he always says, "I don't like talking about particular
candidates because I'm on the Veteran's Committee. But Dave
Concepcion should be in." It's a running joke on FireJoeMorgan.

Looking back at Blyleven's stats, he was good but not dominating. So
he's borderline too. I somehow can't find all of your old Jack Morris
emails. So in a nutshell, what's the argument again? If you're
putting him in just for the 10-inning playoff game, you might as well
induct the 74-76 Len Barker for his one perfect game.

---

From: Dave
To: Kanka
1:58 PM

Jack Morris:

254-186 lifetime, probably the best pitcher for the complete period
79-92. Yeah, borderline, but I still think he's a bad-ass

http://www.baseball-reference.com/m/morrija02.shtml

---

From: Kanka
To: Dave
2:25 PM

1979-92:

Morris: 233-162, 3378 IP, 2199 K, 3.73 ERA
Blyleven: 151-127, 2583 IP, 1791 K, 3.94 ERA

But Blyleven is older than Morris. Morris was 24 in '79 and 37 in
'92. Blyleven was the same age from '75-'88. During that time,
Blyleven: 174-151, 3126 IP, 2337 K, 3.58 ERA

Morris was a hoss, no doubt. But do we penalize Blyleven for playing
on crappier teams?

---

From: Dave
To: Kanka
2:31 PM

Alright, you got me. Although I still feel like I could someday talk
about how great Jack Morris was, while Blyleven just doesn't fell "Hall
of Fame" to me. So, to my fallback position:

"The only time I want to talk to a woman when I'm naked is if I'm on top
of her or she's on top of me."
-- Former Tigers pitcher Jack Morris on female sportswriters

---

From: Kanka
To: Dave
3:42 PM

Ah yes, I remember the quote. That puts him over the top.

If it makes you feel better, every time the Indians come to Minnesota,
both teams' announcers get together and talk about why Blyleven should
be in the Hall.

My final vote, since I'm soft:
Gossage
Blyleven
Morris
Raines

PS It's Gossage:
http://web.baseballhalloffame.org/hofers/voting_year.jsp?year=2008

---

From: Kanka
To: Dave
5:21 PM

Oh, and Buck O'Neil. Dah.

The Class of 2008

We had excellent voter turnout this year, with 10 people turning in ballots. Due to the diversity of picks, I set 5 as the number of votes needed for induction this year. Without further ado, here are the four inductees, all of whom received exactly 5 votes.,


Charlie Weis, Jr.: Charlie Jr., seen here with his family, joins his father in the our Hall of Fame. Charlie Sr., class of 2006, and Jr. make up the first father-son combo in the HOF. Junior is an inspiration to high school freshman everywhere; his hobbies include philanthropy, breaking down game film for St. Joseph's high, and hanging out with Ellen's dad.


Fr. Theodore M. Hesburgh, CSC: As Andy said on his ballot, "The reasons are too numerous to list." If you haven't read God, Country, Notre Dame, Travels with Ted and Ned, or any of Hesburgh's other works yet, do yourself a favor and visit your local library right now. I don't even care if don't finish reading the rest of this column - go now! On a personal note, this is my favorite picture of Fr. Ted. And there are many to choose from. He's posed with popes and presidents. A picture of him and Martin Luther King, Jr., belting out a hymn at a Chicago peace rally, was just named a national treasure. Then there's the Time cover that I hope to have hanging in my house some day. Fr. Hesburgh - what else is there to say?


Patrick Hatton: The first recruit in what is already becoming a very impressive recruiting class of '27, Patrick very nearly made the Hall of Fame on his first try last year, missing by just one vote. The kid just turned two, and he can already yell for a loose ball, Hike Step, play trombone, and say "Kanka."


Peter Gammons: I'd like to thank Dave's influential voting block for helping to get Peter in the Hall. Without Gammons, my fantasy baseball team would probably be called Starkesquity, and that just doesn't have the same ring to it. A legendary baseball writer, Peter Gammons is one of the true inspirations for this site. I never got a chance to meet Kurt Vonnegut, and balked at my lone chance to meet Hal Lebovitz, so my next goal in life is to meet the man from the front of the $20 bill.

Here are this year's also-rans. As you can see, Fr. Sorin just missed induction. He and all of the other multiple vote getters will receive a carryover vote next year.

Name	Total	Comment
Fr. Sorin	4	Without him I probably would have ended up at a place like Penn State or Boston college... actually, with those options, I might have just skipped college altogether.
Fr. Joyce	3	Rivals Barney Rubble and Robin for best sidekick ever.
Peyton Manning	3
Sam Sanchez	3
Buck O'Neil	2	This one's for Kanka.
Erin	2	Who is sadly missing from the message board.
Knute Rockne	2	FOOTBALL!!!
Mr. T	2	Crazy Man Pick
Rebecca Rose Hatton	2	New Member Pick
Adrian Peterson (MIN)	1	Fantasy stud.
American Flag guy from the road by WNDU	1
Basil Moreau, CSC	1
Blue-Cheese-Stuffed Olives	1	Beverage Garnish Pick: http://www.dibruno.com/Detail.bok?no=608
Brady Quinn	1
Buzzwinkle	1	Drunkard Pick: http://www.adn.com/front/story/9483457p-9394676c.html
Carl Monday	1
Christopher Walken	1
Coach Jackson (hockey)	1
Crazy Moustache Guy	1	Moustache Pick: http://netramblings.files.wordpress.com/2007/09/moustache.jpg
Dave Schmitt	1	KankaMatic Champion
David Bruton	1
David Wright	1	Favorite baseball player.
EA Sports NCAA Footbal series	1	There is no off-season. This series of games has fed our off-season hunger for college football just enugh so that we don't need a straight-jacket. Has led to a great deal of creativity and has sustained such imaginary legends as Sigmund Jalepeno.
Exavier "Nook" Logan	1	Editor's Pick (Klondike let me pick one name from the Mitchell Report, so I chose a name I thought he'd like. FP Santangelo is probably the coolest name on the list, but I figured it was too French Canadian-sounding for Klondike to like it.)
Gin	1
Guitar Hero 3	1
Jerome Bettis	1
Jessica Simpson	1	She's hot and helped the Boys lose to the Birds!
Kanka's Cell Phone	1	Beep boop bop beep boop
Ken Hanlon	1	Trombone Pick: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_Trombone_Association
Kerri Hanks	1
Mark McGwire	1	At least he admitted to doing Andro.
Matt Holliday	1	Helped me win a KM Baseball crown!
Michelle Weisenhoffer	1	She does flip throws, now that's cool.
Nachos	1	Mmmm.
National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)	1	Entertainment Pick
Notre Dame Stadium	1	The House that Rock Built. Greatest place to watch a game, whether from the field or stands. Keeps the old school alive with the absence of video replay boards and with the school bands playing the only music heard during the game.
Pete Rose	1	Deserves to be in A Hall of Fame!
Puck	1	Beloved dog of Andy Wolkiewicz. He was a good, loyal, and faithful dog who wore his Notre Dame dog collar with pride every day for seven straight years. Passed away unexpectedly on December 29, 2007, likely due to complications associated with epilepsy. May he rest in peace.
Ronald McDonald	1
Roy Williams (DAL)	1	Suspension for namesake penalty.
Sal	1	KankaNation Pick
Sammy Sosa	1	Hit #600.
Sean Connery	1	Classic Pick
The "enjoy" lady at SDH	1
TO	1	Favorite football player.
Touchdown Jesus	1	This is probably the most famous mural in the United States. Gets plenty of TV time on Saturdays, even if ND isn't playing at home.
Trevor Laws	1