Weekly Cleveland Indians Lineup Analysis

For those who missed last week's edition, this is a new weekly series where I plan take the top 9 Indians in terms of OPS and feed them into Dave Pinto's Lineup Analysis Tool to determine the theoretical ideal batting lineup. Again, in an attempt to be realistic I'll only include players on the active roster with 10+ plate appearances.

This Week's Results
Click here for full results.

This Week's Ideal Lineup
Choo
Sizemore
Garko
Shoppach
Blake
Peralta
Francisco
Dellucci
Carroll

Changes From Last Week
Kelly Shoppach and Ben Francisco switch spots, while everything else remains the same.

Theoretical Runs Per Game
5.036, down 0.127 runs per game from last week. The same players remain from last week, so in essence this means their performance has dropped since then.

Theoretical Improvement
The Indians are currently scoring 4.398 runs per game, meaning this would be an improvement of 0.651 runs per game. That in turn translates to 105 additional runs in a year, or 10.5 wins.

Defensive Plausibility
All infield spots are covered, with four outfielders who can rotate between the field and DH. As mentioned last week, this is the same starting nine that Eric Wedge has been using in real life, so there are no problems here.

Fan Believability
If Eric Wedge put together this batting order, would the fans call for his head? Possibly, especially in a year that has already been disappointing. Kelly Shoppach has been playing very well lately, but jumping him from ninth in the lineup to cleanup, and dropping Ben Francisco down to seventh would raise some eyebrows.

My Take
There's only one change from last week, so I'll basically repeat what I said then. I like Grady Sizemore batting second, where he can both get on base and drive in runs. Casey Blake has become the team's second-best hitter, so he's perfect in the #5 spot. And Shin-Soo Choo and Jamey Carroll lead the team in On Base Percentage, making them perfect for first and ninth, respectively.

Random Indians Thought of the Week
Before a recent Indians-Twins game, Sports Time Ohio showed the won-lost records and ERAs of the starters:

Paul Byrd	Livan Hernandez
3-9	8-5
5.26	5.22

Their ERAs were nearly identical. But judging by their records alone, Byrd was having a terrible year and Hernandez a very good one. That just goes to show you how much a pitcher's won-lost record can be affected by his team's overall performance.

Ten Ways A Wedding Can Be More Like Sports, In Ascending Order Of Potential Entertainment Value

#10: Corporate Sponsorship
Tuxedos may not look good with tennis shoes, but the wedding party could at least roll up to the event in a cool car. A sports-drink punch bowl could be easily incorporated into the reception, thus making everybody sweat neon colors that would sparkle on the dance floor.

#9: Vending
Having a vendor roam the pews with hot-dogs and Cracker Jack would certainly break up the tedium. Unfortunately, beers would be $9.50. Also, a reception dinner consisting of nachos and Diet Pepsi would be questionable at best.

#8: The Wave
The more people invited to the wedding ceremony, the more impressive this would be.

#7: JumboTron
It could be set up right behind the altar. This way, even the folks in the back pews could get a good look at the action. Instant replays would be popular. It could even display those cartoonish racing animations during the boring parts.

#6: Baselines
It's no coincidence that, in a regulation church, the distance from the doors to the altar is always exactly ninety feet. The groom will have to remember to slide so as not to be tagged out by a member of the opposing family.

#5: Mascots
Each family could pick one. Their wacky hijinks would add some color and humor to an otherwise solemn affair.

#4: Referees
Just to make sure everything runs smoothly. Is the maid of honor's speech too long? TWEEEEEET! Delay of game! Groomsmen getting too rowdy? TWEEEEEET! Sideline Infraction! You get the idea.

#3: Cheerleaders
Just let them do their thing. "GO! FIGHT! MARRY! YAY!" They could also enthusiastically hold up signs that say things like "I" and "DO" to fire up the crowd.

#2: Playoffs
Sixty-four groomsmen compete for one best man position and three runners-up. Likewise with the bridesmaids. Competitions would be along the lines of American Gladiators. Only, you know, with normal people.

#1: Color Commentary
Marriage veterans could provide context and insight. They could even illustrate their points with a telestrator for the viewers at home.
"You see, Mike, what the father's going to want to do is walk down this aisle here [draws an arrow] and hand his daughter off to the groom here [circles]."
"That's an interesting gambit, Steve. Let's hope the groom doesn't fumble the handoff."

How do I become a Sabermetrician?

Pizza Cutter over at MVN had a great introductory post on how to get started in sabermetrics. In addition to linking to many of the great stats blogs out there, he offers this piece of advice:

Draw from your background. I’m a psychologist by training. Most of the questions that intrigue me center around “Why did he do that?” That’s what I’ve been trained to look for in life. You may think that your chosen field has nothing to do with baseball, but you’re wrong. Sure, there are a lot of guys who are physics/math majors who look at algorithims for figuring out what a player will do next year, and that’s fine. I’m personally waiting for a good Sabermetric sociologist to come along to figure out why it is that baseball teams and society in general are so poor in assigning value to baseball players.

I found that one particularly interesting, especially because I've had a passing interest in sports psychology and mental optimization ever since reading The Mental Game of Baseball. In a world where some statheads mock the notion that professional ballplayers can get nervous or lose focus, it's nice to see one of the premier sabermetricians in the blogosphere single out the mental side of things.

So what am I doing to become a sabermetrician? My master's program had quite a few stats classes, and I consider that a very lucky break since I didn't have any statistics background before that (save "Intro to Probability"). I also just ordered and received Baseball Hacks on Amazon, as well as Learn VB .NET Through Game Programming and the Visual Basic .NET Codemaster's Library. The latter two books were written by Cleveland Indians Manager of System Development Matt Tagliaferri, which is a not-so-coincidental reason why I purchased them.

Welcome to the International Signing Period

July 2 marks the start of Major League Baseball's International Signing Period, a time when clubs can sign eligible foreign players age 16 and up as free agents. The Period has already started with a bang, as Oakland has reportedly worked out a deal with Dominican pitcher Michael Inoa. Inoa's deal is said to be worth $4.25 million, smashing the record set by the Yankees signing of Wily Mo Pena.

For more coverage, be sure to check out

• ESPN's blurbs on the top International prospects


• Baseball America's International page


• and Saber Scouting's International page.


• Saber Scouting also has a good background on the International Signing Period, a detailed scouting report of Inoa, and shorter scouting reports on the other top International prospects.

More Playoff Predictions

I just got an email from Ken Roberts, who pointed me to his own playoff odds site - Sports Club Stats. Ken provides verydetailed predictions, recaps, and "what ifs." For example, here is the Indians team page. Sports Club Stats covers every major American sport and then some.

I've only known about this site for a few days, but it's already one of my favorites. Be sure to check it out to see how your team is doing in the playoff hunt!

Weekly Indians Lineup Analysis

I've decided to start a new weekly column for the rest of the year. Every Sunday (I hope), I'll take the top 9 Indians in terms of OPS and feed them into Dave Pinto's Lineup Analysis Tool to determine the theoretical ideal batting lineup. In an attempt to be realistic, I'll only include players on the active roster (not injured or in the minors), and only those with 10+ plate appearances (sorry, CC and Sal Fasano).

This Week's Results
Click here for full results.

This Week's Ideal Lineup
Choo
Sizemore
Garko
Francisco
Blake
Peralta
Shoppach
Dellucci
Carroll

Theoretical Runs Per Game
5.163

Theoretical Improvement
The Indians are currently scoring 4.395 runs per game, meaning this would be an improvement of 0.768 runs per game. That in turn translates to 124 additional runs in a year, or 12.4 wins.

Defensive Plausibility
You can't just march out the top 9 hitters on your team every day; someone has to man each defensive position. For instance, earlier in the year, the Indians ideal lineup would have included Victor Martinez, Kelly Shoppach, Ryan Garko, and Travis Hafner, meaning one of those guys would have had to have played third base or right field.
However, this week's lineup is entirely plausible. All four infield positions plus catcher are covered, plus the remaining four outfielders can split time in the field or DH. In fact, this is the exact same starting 9 Eric Wedge has sent out for the last few games.

Fan Believability
If Eric Wedge put together this batting order, would the fans call for his head? For example, earlier in the year, Travis Hafner had a high on base percentage but a low slugging percentage, and the ideal lineup had him hitting leadoff. No one would have gone for that realistically.
However, this week's lineup has a very high believability/acceptability factor. Fans would have no trouble seeing Ben Francisco hit cleanup, and Garko, Blake, and Peralta area already hitting in the middle of the order. Some fans may not like Grady Sizemore dropping out of the leadoff spot, but there are just as many people who want to see him dropped down in the order so he can drive in runs.

My Take
I really like this lineup. Sabermetrically, the #2 guy is supposed to be your best all-around hitter. That's what Grady is. Shin-Soo Choo may not be a speed demon, but he has been getting on base. As has Jamie Carroll, which is what you want out of the #9 spot. Francisco may not have big power, but he's passable. The #5 spot is supposed to be your second best all-around hitter. You may not think of Casey Blake as that guy, but the way he's been hitting - and the way everyone else has been hitting - he fits the bill.

Random Indians Thought of the Week
Is it by design or bad coincidence that Aaron Laffey keeps pitching day games and other games where most of the regulars are resting. The young pitcher needs run support, and he's not going to get it with the bench players in. That can't be good on his confidence, and that's a shame because he's pitched relatively well to date.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Editor's Note: Yeah, I know this is the second Sports Minute dump this week. But I wasn't going to post at all tonight until my softball games got rained out. So live with it.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Los Angeles Sparks forward Candace Parker became the second woman to dunk in a WNBA game in a win over the Indiana Fever. What a great moment for all three fans in attendance.

The NBA is asking disgraced referee Tim Donaghy to reimburse the league for the cost of his basketball shoes. Donaghy would just return the shoes, but he lost them in a poker game.

Charles Barkley is headed back to Las Vegas to play in a charity poker tournament a month after pledging not to gamble. It's not as bad as it sounds, though. Barkley will be donating all of his winnings to Hypocrites Anonymous.

Curt Schilling will undergo season-ending surgery next week to repair a tendon in his shoulder. Unfortunately for Major League Baseball, the surgery isn't expected to interfere with his blogging.

And C.C. Sabathia is reportedly on the Chicago Cubs' radar. But given his size, he's on everyone's radar.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Pacman Jones has informed the media that he no longer wants to be referred to by his nickname. Instead, he will answer to "Adam," "Mr. Jones," or "Prisoner No. 345279."

Radio host Don Imus is in trouble again after making controversial racial remarks about Pacman Jones. In Imus' defense, many of his favorite slaves are black.

Kobe Bryant will head the 12-man U.S. squad in the Olympics this year. Wow, that's a lot of Olympians to not pass to.

Shaquille O'Neal insinuated that Kobe Bryant couldn't win a championship without him in an impromptu internet rap. It's hard to say what's more disturbing, the fact that the two men are still feuding or that Shaq is rapping again.

And New Orleans Hornets guard Rasual Butler has been charged with flashing a loaded gun near a South Florida nightclub. Luckily no one was in danger due to Butler's complete inability to shoot.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

49-year-old former boxing champions Jeff Fenech and Azumah Nelson came out of retirement to fight a 3rd match. The fight was marred by both men repeatedly telling the crowd to keep all the noise down.

A horse has tested positive for twice the allowable level of Clenbuterol, a bronchodilator that helps burn fat and promote muscle growth. John Daly is looking into the story.

The Green Bay Packers are crying poor after clearing just $21 million last season. Things are so dire, they might begin eating those giant cheese heads.

The Atlanta Dream are off to an 0-13 start during their first year in the WNBA. Owners are worried that attendance might drop from five to three.

And Shaquille O'Neal will lose his special deputy's badge in Maricopa County because of language he used in a rap video that mocks former teammate Kobe Bryant. The rap was so bad that Shaquille also lost his license to ill.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The Toronto Raptors have agreed to trade T.J. Ford to the Indiana Pacers. With gas prices as high as they are, it's nice to know you can still unload a broken down old Ford.

PETA is upset at Wimbledon officials for using marksmen to shoot some pesky pigeons. Dave Winfield was upset they didn’t call him first.

John Daly and Kid Rock teamed up yesterday at the Buick Open pro-am, but not before locking up the trailer park.

Several teams around the NBA have expressed interest in Dallas Mavericks wingman Josh Howard. The All-Star forward could be dealt as early as 4:20.

And Fox broadcaster Terry Bradshaw said that he used steroids while with the Steelers. Which finally explains the mystery of his forehead.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Cleveland Indians: Not Quite Dead Yet

I was all set to write a post mortem for the Indians. A second straight home lost to the Giants dropped them into last place. Baseball Prospectus gives them a 2% chance of making the playoffs; PlayoffStatus.com, 1%. THe entire team seemingly is injured or underperforming. Mitchell at Juiced Sports Blog says that CC Sabathia is all but traded.

Then I read this Baseball Prospectus article. As MLB.com's standings page shows, the Indians are vastly underperforming their pythagorean (expected) win-loss total. Sure, that is due to a few 12-0 wins followed by stretches of 3-2 losses (either from nine innings of inept offense or one inning of inept relief pitching), but still that's a sign for hope. As the BP article points out, Ryan Garko and Jhonny Peralta are currently underperforming, and should bounce back to their career averages at least to some extent.

The good news is that we're still over a month away from the trade deadline, so the Tribe can delay their buy/sell decision a little longer. The bad news is that of the host of injured players, only Fausto Carmona is due back before the deadline. That would give the Indians a great top 3/5 of the rotation and a capable fourth starter in Aaron Laffey. Paul Byrd's ERA is around 5, but that isn't horrendous for a fifth starter these days.

What about the lineup? The outfield has now settled down, with Grady Sizemore, Ben Francisco, and Shin-Soo Choo all hitting well. Dave Dellucci and Franklin Gutierrez are capable backups, especially Gutierrez as a defensive replacement for Francisco and Choo. As mentioned above, Garko and Peralta are underperforming, but Jamey Carroll and Casey Blake are actually playing respectably. Blake has an OPS+ of 105, which sadly is the fourth best on this team (after the three starting outfielders). Carroll's OPS+ is in the 90s, as is Kelly Shoppach's.

That leaves the bullpen. GM Mark Shapiro willingly admits that bullpens are a crapshot, and the fact that this year's bullpen is that much worse than last year's despite few major personnel moves is proof. The next two players expected to get a show in the Indians pen are former Twins reliever Juan Rincon and prospect Jeff Stevens.

So should the Indians buy, sell, or hold? No matter how optimistic you are, the odds of making the playoffs this year are slim. If the Indians do buy, they should do so with 2009 and 2010 in mind. If they happen to luck out and make the playoffs this year in the process, great.

On the same token, the Indians do not need to sell and start rebuilding again. With a limited budget, Cleveland has to operate within certain "windows of opportunity" of competitiveness. Does the current window of opportunity close if CC Sabathia leaves? Not in the slightest. If Sabathia leaves, Grady Sizemore becomes the new face of the franchise, and he's signed through 2012. Most of the other current core players will be around until then as well. So the Indians need to work to stay competitive over these next five seasons, including this year. And remember, CC Sabathia isn't gone yet.

Cleveland Cavaliers Last-Minute Draft Links

The NBA Draft starts Thursday night. The Cleveland Cavaliers have the 19th pick in the first round, and that's it. Here are some links that can serve as a last-minute cram session for Cavs fans.

First, the official sites:
NBA.com's draft coverage
Cavs.com's Draft Central

If you prefer national coverage that's not controlled by David Stern, there's NBAdraft.net

I'll admit I don't follow Cavs blogs as much as I'd like to, but here are some of note:
And One, from Cleveland.com
Brian Windhorst, Ohio.com sportswriter
The Cleveland Fan's Cavs page (the site itself is affiliated with Sports Time Ohio)
CavsNews.com
Waiting for Next Year

And of course, there's the Cleveland Cavaliers section on Bleacher Report.

Finally, if you live in the Cleveland area, the Cavs are having an official draft party at the Winking Lizard in Lakewood. The Lakewood Lizard is a great old (1915) building that used to be an Elks Lodge. The Winking Lizard as a franchise is famous for its Beer Tour, burgers, and BBQ sauce. The draft party should be a good time.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The trainers of Kentucky and Preakness winner Big Brown offered no explanation for his poor performance at Belmont, saying only that "he didn't have it." Which is the exact same thing Big Brown's owner said about their check.

The Minnesota Timberwolves are expected to pay a local radio station $2,000 per broadcast next season. No word yet on how much the team will have to pay fans to actually listen.

Memphis Grizzlies owner Michael Heisley has said he suspects his team did not get fair value for center Pau Gasol. Gasol was traded for a few fur coats and $26 in beads.

Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick and California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger made a friendly wager on the NBA finals. If the Celtics win, Schwarzenegger will donate Californian food and beverages to a charity of Patrick's choice. And if the Lakers win, Patrick must sit through Jingle All the Way.

And the Tampa Bay Rays selected teenage shortstop Tim Beckham with the first pick in the draft. They had trouble cruising high schools looking for talent, but eventually got some help from Roger Clemens.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Country singer Mindy McCready recently took part in the World Series of Poker. It's the first time in weeks we've been able to say the words "McCready" and "poker" without mentioning Roger Clemens.

Tampa Bay pitcher Matt Garza and catcher Dioner Navarro had to be separated during a game on Sunday. The battery had so many problems, they were hired to work in a Sprint phone.

Chicago's Cedric Benson was arrested for the second time in a month. One more and the NFL will force the Bears to trade him to Cincinnati.

Red Wings forward John Franzen has a bruise on his brain. Must be from all the Tigers games he's been watching.

And Kasey Kahne has won three of the last four NASCAR races. He's so popular amongst racing fans, it's almost as if his initials had a third K.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Ken Griffey, Jr. finally belted his six hundredth home run. The shot was so high, it nearly hit the bottom of the cellar door. Griffey hopes to play for another two seasons in order to hit his 601st.

The Chicago Bears waived Cedric Benson. In order to make mini-camp, all athletes must touch their finger to their nose and say the alphabet backwards.

Michael Strahan has announced he is retiring after 15 seasons in the NFL. The seven-time Pro Bowler is expected to leave behind a void second only to the gap in his teeth.

And Gilbert Arenas has opted out of the final year of his contract with the Washington Wizards. The three-time All-Star is an ideal pick up for any team in need of a good blogger.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Big Brown's trainer is now blaming his Belmont defeat on the horse's jockey. The jockey is blaming Steve Bartman.

Former Knicks star Allan Houston has said he is still interested in playing next season. In related news, so am I. At first we thought this was ridiculous, but then we looked at the Knicks' roster.

A Yankees clubhouse attendant has revealed that Roger Clemens was in the habit of taking Viagra. Because his fastball wasn't the only thing he couldn't keep up and away.

And the Pacers hired Sam Perkins to mentor their players. And they hired Roy Jones Jr. to train them for games in Detroit.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The U.S. Open has a new policy prohibiting food, beverages, containers, coolers and animals. If they didn't want John Daly attending, they could have just said so.

Roger Federer won his 56th consecutive match on grass. If he runs through any more grass, he'll break Ricky Williams' record.

The good news is the Bills running back Marshawn Lynch had Lasik surgery to correct his vision. The bad news is Lynch can now see just how bad the Bills are.

And turns out New York Giants Super Bowl rings were among the $2 million worth of items stolen from a Massachusetts jewelry company. Luckily the rings should be easy to retrieve since they're so gaudy that they’re visible from space. Authorities have already narrowed down their list of suspects to Dan Marino, Earl Campbell and Warren Moon.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The Sharks hired Todd McClellan as head coach. They were immediately drawn to him because he was bleeding and looked like an injured seal.

Brad Penny extended his winless streak to eight starts. The dollar might not buy much these days, but looks like a Penny is completely worthless.

The New York Mets acquired Trot Nixon. With the way the team's been playing, he'll have to change his name to Limp Nixon.

And a person associated with the Cowboys was electrocuted over the weekend when they touched a high voltage line at the team's new stadium. And here's the really bad news for Dallas fans: it wasn't Jessica Simpson. Simpson is launching her own line of sexy lingerie. It won't sell well. As any Dallas fan can tell you, getting into Jessica Simpson's underwear is bad luck.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Major League Baseball is considering using instant replay for home run calls this season. Not to correct anything, but because it would be hilarious to watch Prince Fielder run in slow motion.

Evander Holyfield's sprawling Georgia estate is under foreclosure. Take heart, Evander. We hear that Latrell Sprewell is looking for a roommate.

Quarterback Joey Harrington recorded a hole-in-one at Druid Hills Golf Club twice in two weeks. We'd call him lucky were it not for the fact that he plays for the Falcons.

Danny Bonaduce, Dennis Rodman and Screech have signed on to participate in Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling. We are rooting for a fight to the death.

And the New Jersey Nets plan to give away more than $250,000 worth of free gas. Or as most people call it, a full tank.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Yankee pitcher Chien Ming Wang is going on the disabled list for a while. It's the first time shelving a Wang has caused this much commotion in New York since it happened to Eliot Spitzer.

TV news journalist and lifelong Bills fans Tim Russert has died at the age of 58. It's so unfortunate that Russert passed before he could see Buffalo lose another four Super Bowls.

And Mets GM Omar Minaya finally fired manager Willie Randolph. If Minaya weathered the storm much longer, he'd have had to call FEMA. Yes, FEMA – the one organization more inept than the New York Mets. Mets ownership said that if they wanted to expect greatness only to get disappointment, they'd have hired M. Night Shyamalan.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Roger Clemens is allegedly selling many of his personal affects to pay his legal fees. On the positive side, Boof Bonser may finally be able to get a Cy Young award.

North Carolina underclassmen Ty Lawson, Wayne Ellington and Danny Green will withdraw their names from the NBA draft and return to Chapel Hill next season. The announcement means the Tar Heels should be the best team in the state ahead of Duke, Davidson and the Charlotte Bobcats.

Barack Obama has said that if he wins this fall, he will install a basketball court at the White House. And if John McCain wins, he'll install a shuffleboard deck.

Chris Simms didn't show up to Tampa's minicamp. Now that he's ignoring the team and doing other things, he’s officially a Bucs' fan.

And NBC Sports and World Championship Sports Network are forming a partnership to create an all-Olympic channel. That way sports fans can have access to all the Olympics they want to ignore.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

American strongman Derek Poundstone was in New York pulling a 50,000-pound, double-decker bus. Because gas prices are just that high.

Oscar de la Hoya says he will retire after one more fight, saying "I have been preparing for this my entire life." Understandable, since every man's 15th lackluster 12-round decision is a major milestone.

Miami was eliminated from the College World Series. It was a shock to the city, because a sports team from Miami was actually playing in the post season.

Prince Fielder allegedly owes more than $400,000 in unpaid taxes. Although that may sound like a lot, it's still considerably less than his weekly grocery bill.

And Cincinnati star Chad Johnson recently underwent minor ankle surgery. Unfortunately the Bengals receiver came to before doctors had the chance to wire his mouth shut.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

A California woman completed a marathon less than a year after giving birth to sextuplets. The woman didn't mean to run the marathon, she was just running away.

Overweight pitcher C.C. Sabathia hit a tape-measure home run in a game against the Dodgers. Sadly, Sabathia suffered three heart attacks while rounding the bases.

A Sports Illustrated poll has named Derek Jeter the most overrated player in baseball. Votes were cast by almost 500 major league baseball players, and then replaced by Alex Rodriguez' opinion. A-Rod ranked third in the survey, because even he thinks he's overrated.

And an angry Mets fan shipped five chickens to the team's owners to protest the cowardly way in which they fired manager Willie Randolph. The Mets are hoping to use the chickens to replace Carlos Delgado.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Baseball Updates

Some updates on my recent Notre Dame Baseball Alumni article, plus some other baseball odds and ends.

• Matt Macri wins the next-alum-to-be-called-up contest. He's a part-time starter at second and third, and has definitely held his own with the bat so far. In fact, he hit his first Major League home run against the Indians minutes before I typed this.


• Brian Stavisky didn't stay in the independent leagues for very long. Stavo was signed by the Angels at the end of May and was assigned to the AA Arkansas Travelers. There he is playing every day at the corner outfield spots, first base, and DH.


• Javy Sanchez (not Javy Lopez) was accepted to LSU's grad school and is also part of Paul Mainieri's coaching staff. Sanchez is Mainieri's third base coach. Mainieri was his own third base coach at Notre Dame, so putting Sanchez there tells me that the coach has a lot of faith in his former player.
  Mainieri is featured prominently in this clip of the hidden ball trick play pulled by UC Irvine. If you pay attention to the announcers, you'll also hear that Sanchez was ejected from the game for arguing the call.
  


• MLB Trade Rumors has a good roundup of various MLB draft reactions. For a complete list of Notre Dame players taken in the draft, your best source is Jake's Field at ND Nation.


• Finally, congrats to some local small colleges for successful baseball seasons. Ashland (Master's alma mater of Fired Up Friend Todd and one-year school of my sister) made the Division II College World Series. Adrian (alma mater of Infamous Cousin) had a Cinderella run to get into the Division III CWS. And Joliet Community (famous for a throwaway line in Rudy won the Junior College DIII championship.

Cleveland Cavaliers Draft Needs By Position

The fine people over at Bleacher Report have asked for my input on Cleveland's needs in the upcoming NBA draft. I have to admit that I'm stepping a little out of my comfort zone, as I didn't get much of a chance to follow college basketball or even the NBA much this year. I'd also love to have access to a basketball version of Cot's Baseball Contracts, but to my knowledge none exists. I do know the current Cavs roster however, and I do know Cleveland has only one pick: the 19th selection in the first round. With that said, here is my take on the Cavs' needs by position, in increasing order of need.

Small Forward: LeBron James has the position locked up, obviously. There's also Sasha Pavolvic and Wally Szczerbiak, borderline starters who are more than capable as backups.

Point Guard: Would it be great to add Gilbert Arenas, as rumors suggest? Of course. But at the same time, point guard is not a draft need. Delonte West is an adequate starter. Plus, the team already has two undersized shooting guards with borderline ball-handling skills in Daniel Gibson and Damon Jones. Undersized shooting guards are not in high demand in the NBA, so the last thing the Cavs need is to draft another short man only to find out he can't handle the point in the pros.

Center/Power Forward: Many analysts are looking towards the Cavs taking a center in the draft. But Cleveland already carries six post players on their roster. Yes, three of them (Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Ben Wallace, and Joe Smith) are in their mid-30s. Anderson Varejao's contract won't last forever. And Dwayne Jones and Lance Allred probably won't be stars. Sure, the Cavs need another scoring option in the post. But they only have one pick. If they had multiple picks, I'd be all for using one on depth and potential. The Cavs don't really have that luxury this year, though.

Shooting Guard: Cleveland has good talent. They made the NBA Finals last year, and were close to the conference finals this year. So an NBA Championship is a reasonable outcome. But history suggests that teams need at least two stars to make them a sure thing in the playoffs. Even team-first champions like Detroit and San Antonio had multiple stars. LeBron needs his second star, and the most reasonable place seems to be at shooting guard. The Cavs originally tried to make Larry Hughes that star, but it didn't work out. Is that start in the draft this year, and will he still be available at number 19? Or should the Cavs go in another direction with their pick?

Ken Griffey, Jr.: What Might Have Been?

Ken Griffey, Jr. hit his 600th career home run the other night. As a kid in Seattle, he looked destined to flirt with Hank Aaron's home run record. But as we all know, The Kid* was hit often by the injury bug.

*Joe Posnanski-style tangent: As you may know, if a player signs a bat deal with Louisville Slugger, the company will put the player's signature on their bats. As part of this process, LS gives the player a piece of paper with spaces to try out 10 different variations of their signature, and pick which one they like best. Griffey's signature sheet is one of the "artifacts" on the LS factory tour. In addition to his name, a few of the spaces are just signed "The Kid."

The chase to 600 put Griffey back in the spotlight, and many baseball purists have pined for an alternate reality where a healthy and clean Junior was able to out-slug not only The Hammer, but Barry Bonds as well. But how realistic is this alternate universe?

Bonds has hit 762 home runs in 22 seasons. Griffey, as we established, has hit 600 and is currently in his 20th season. He (Griffey) is currently averaging 125 games per season, and has homered in approximately 1/4 of his career games. (He averages 0.246 home runs per game, to be exact.) How healthy would Griffey had to have been to hit 762 in 22 seasons? That is, at his current pace, how many games would he have had to have played per season to remain on track to top Bonds in 2010?

As I mentioned, Griffey has averaged 0.246 HR/game.

22 seasons * 0.246 HR/game * X games/season = 762 HR

X = 141 (approximately)

So if Griffey had only played (and continued to play) 16 more games per season, he would have been on pace for 762. But as Griffey has quite adequately demonstrated, center field is a demanding position. Here's how that compares to a completely random (aka off the top of my head) list of recent center fielders (plus Bonds):

Barry Bonds: 136 games/season
Johnny Damon: 142
Jim Edmonds: 121
Torii Hunter: 112
Andruw Jones: 147
Kenny Lofton: 124
Grady Sizemore: 131
Vernon Wells: 108
Bernie Williams: 130

Hunter, Sizemore, and Wells' numbers are partially skewed by early-career September callups. But still, I'd give the average starting center fielder a decent chance to average 141 games over the course of his career. All the more reason to think about what might have been.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Tennessee Titans wide receiver Mike Williams has lost 30 pounds. Unfortunately for the Los Angeles Dodgers, Andruw Jones seems to have found them. Jones will likely miss the next four to six weeks after undergoing surgery to repair torn cartilage in his knee. The Dodgers hope that his rehab center isn't next to a Dunkin Donuts.

A Japanese sumo wrestler attacked his junior apprentice with a ladle. The sumo apparently mistook his apprentice for an oversized cartoon ham.

And Roger Clemens has requested that his defamation trial be moved to his native Texas. Since everything is bigger in Texas, maybe his head will be smaller in comparison. The next step is to assemble a jury of his peers, but no telling where they'll find twelve lying, cheating, statutory rapists. Sorry – lying, cheating, alleged statutory rapists.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

James Blake was ousted in the second round of the French Open by 19-year-old Latvian phenom Ernests Gulbis. An athlete hasn't had this much trouble with a teenager since Roger Clemens.

After Usain Bolt broke the world record in the 100 meters, fans compared him to lightning by calling him "The Bolt." Which is better than being compared to thunder and called "The Clap."

Women's softball giant UCLA was eliminated from the NCAA tournament. But they still got good news when California legalized gay marriage.

Rasheed Wallace was fined $25,000 for criticizing officials. But the real loser was Charles Barkley, who picked the over at $30,000.

And 13-year-old Indiana native Sameer Mishra won the National Spelling Bee. Now it's back to tutoring the Hoosier basketball team.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The New York Knicks are leaning towards trading the sixth pick in the upcoming NBA draft. If history is any indication, they'll trade it for the seventh pick.

Mike Vanderjagt signed with the CFL. Which, appropriately enough, is just wide right of the NFL.

Pacman Jones was arrested at a Dallas night club. I'm sorry, that's next week's Sports Minute.

More Detroit residents watched hockey than basketball this year. Followed by the spelling bee, news about a Ford Motors strike, Lake Michigan sunsets, and the Lions.

And Sammy Sosa says he may retire after next year's World Baseball Classic. It's nice to hear he's finally going to put a cork in it.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Members of the New York Giants have finally received their $25,000 Super Bowl rings from Tiffany. The rings are so stunning that Kobe Bryant is considering buying three of them, just in case.

The Broncos waived Travis Henry. Henry intends to stay in the NFL by fathering his own team.

The Cincinnati Reds Ken Griffey Jr. is about to join the 600 home run club. Which is sad, since he'd have 700 by now if he ever played against the Reds.

Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton has been chosen as the American League player of the month. We expect him to win comeback player of the year, too – finishing just ahead of Lazarus.

And David Ortiz is headed to the 15-day disabled list. His new nickname will be Snap, Crackle, and Big Papi.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Randy Johnson passed Roger Clemens on the career strikeout list by notching his 4,673rd K. It's quite an accomplishment for a man who looks like he should be operating carnival rides in Oklahoma.

Alex Rodriguez reportedly told a ten-year-old boy to "beat it" when the young fan approached him for an autograph at a Baltimore Hooters. Ironically, that's why most people go to Hooters in the first place.

Joba Chamberlain's first start in pinstripes was brief and unsuccessful. Joba was so upset afterwards, he froze Han Solo in a vat of carbonite.

If Big Brown wins the Belmont, he will fetch $60 million in stud fees. That's good news, since Big Brown's jockey is only expected to fetch a dollar twenty-five.

And Flip Saunders was let go as coach of the Pistons. He'll be replaced by his more progressive and forward-moving brother Cartwheel Saunders.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The Red Wings are hockey champs. The trophy is the biggest cup the city has seen since the one in Cecil Fielder's locker.

Bill Parcells now says that he wants Jason Taylor to come back. Good thing Parcells spoke up, because he was so silent he sounded Dolphin Stadium on game day.

Swimsuit-model and alleged actress Nikki Ziering will participate in Hulk Hogan's new reality show, Celebrity Championship Wrestling. She'll be a natural, due to all of her experience spending time on her back with her legs in the air.

The NBA has confirmed that Michael Beasley is 6-8 and not 6-10 as he previously claimed. The Kansas State forward has blamed his loss of two inches on a recent circumcision.

And the IOC has suspended Iraq's national Olympic committee, thus making them the first organization in Iraq with an exit strategy.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Happy Draft Day!

Well, sort of. The MLB draft stretches from June 5-6, so if you're reading this within 28 hours of posting, it technically still is draft day. Be sure to check out these fine websites for draft coverage:

• MLB.com


• Baseball America


• Baseball Prospectus


• Saber Scouting's draft liveblog


• ESPN.com's Keith Law's take on the first round

Notre Dame junior closer Kyle Weiland was taken with the last pick of the third round by the Red Sox. MLB.com prospect guru Jonathan Mayo wrote a quick capsule on Weiland the other day. If you go to the MLB.com draft tracker and scroll down to the bottom of the third round, you can also see a "scouting video" of Weiland. Best of luck to Kyle, and to the other Notre Dame players taken this year. I haven't followed the team as much as I would have liked to, but my wild guess is that senior SP Wade Korpi will be next.

Ten Potential Uses For Short People In The Game Of Baseball, In Ascending Order Of Utility

#1: Bases
You wouldn't step on them, of course. (They bite.) But maybe you could give them a high-five as you run the bases. Don't worry, baseball players; High-fiving a short person isn't any more strenuous than your average butt-pat.

#2: Spittoon Carriers
A small squad of short people carrying large brass spittoons could be employed to help keep the area clean. Different spittoon stations would include both dugouts, the bullpen, directly behind the umpire, and two "rovers". When somebody needs to approach the pitcher's mound for a strategy/spitting session, they would always make sure to bring along a spittooner.

#3: Proxy Base Runners
If a batter has a twisted ankle or a bum knee, that shouldn't stop him from participating. Just have a short person run the bases for him. Short people might take longer to cover the distance, but they're much harder to tag. Also, it would be easier for them to high-five the bases as they ran past.

#4: Proxy Batters
Yeah, Mr. Hot-Shot Pitcher Man, you just try to hit that strike zone.

#5: Proxy Pitchers
What the pitches would lack in overall speed would be more than made up for in pure anger.

#6: Messengers
Instead of learning countless hard-to-memorize gestures that can easily be thwarted by an errant bee or severe gastrointestinal problems, just use short people. Give a couple of short people little tablets and little pencils, and have them run your missives back and forth as fast as their wee little legs can carry them. "Messenger from the other dugout, coach. Apparently you're ugly."

#7: Good/Evil Consciences
You could dress them up as angels and devils, respectively. Each coach would have a pair, as well as the umpire and probably the pitcher.
Pitcher: "What do you think? Fastball?"
Short Person Dressed Like An Angel: "Yes, but not too fast. Give the man a fair chance."
Short Person Dressed Like A Devil: "I think you should bean him."

#8: Cheerleaders
Wait, what? No. I mean . . . What? No!

#9: Proxy Fielders
Of course, you'd probably need about two dozen short people to cover the average baseball field. A whole new set of field positions would have to be created, such as left-of-center field, second-first baseman, and shorter-stop.

#10: Tackling People Who Rush The Field
The innate ferociousness of a short person could be leveraged to its fullest advantage. It would take an awesome level of inebriation to steel a potential field rusher to brave the lawn-piranha that was the Ten-Man Rush Squad, and they stop serving drinks after the seventh-inning stretch. (Note that "Ten-Man" translates into roughly fourteen short people, plenty enough to cover the field if positioned strategically.)

Cleveland Indians: All-Star Caliber Tools

Joe Posnanski recently had a blog post about the Royals' 60 tools. In summary, baseball scouts take each of a player's tools (for batters: hitting for average, hitting for power, speed/baserunning, defense, throwing arm) and grades them on a scale of 20-80. As Posnanski put it, 20 is "Barely knows which gloves goes on which hand." Eighty is a once-in-a-lifetime talent, like Ted Williams' hitting. Fifty is major league average, and 60 is All Star level.

The theory is that the more 60 tools you have on your team, the better the team will be. For example, he postulates that the Royals only have two 60 tools on the whole team, while the Red Sox have 11 just in their starting batting order.

Where do the Indians rank? Posnanski's commenters listed six 60 tools, and I'd agree right away:

1. Grady Sizemore' speed
2. Franklin Gutierrez' arm
3. Victor Martinez' hitting
4. Asdrubal Cabrera's defense (Which is a 60 at the very least, and may be the best tool on the team right now.)
5. Sizemore's defense
6. Gutierrez' defense

I've seen Ben Francisco's arm in person, and I'd give that a 60 as well. At the time, Francisco had been in the majors for less than a month, and already the Blue Jays knew not to run on him. That's a good sign that Toronto's scouts also give Francisco's arm a 60. Of course, Francisco has also hit well this season, but it's too early to give him a 60 there.

What else? The pre-slump Travis Hafner easily gets 60s for power and plate discipline. (I know plate discipline isn't one of the five traditional tools, but it's definitely something to take into account.) Casey Blake has a 60 arm in right field, but it looks pretty average from third base. Andy Marte is supposed to be a 60 defender with a 60 arm, but I haven't seen enough of him to pass judgment.

On the pitching side, I'd say this:

1. CC Sabathia's fastball
2. Sabathia's slider (Considered by some to be the best in the league.)
3. Fausto Carmona's sinker (Torii Hunter once said that it had so much movement, he felt like he was hung over.)
4. Cliff Lee's 2008 command (Everone has said that Cliff's command is the main reason for his turnaround this year.)

What do you think? Do the Indians have more 60 tools? Do they have less than what I mentioned? How many 60 tools does your favorite team have? Join the discussion on the KankaNation message board.

My Interview on Cleveland.com's And One Blog

Life is good. I'm up to number 500 on Wikio's sports blog rankings (and there's a shiny new badge in the Statistics section of my sidebar to track my progress). My last Cavs post made a cameo appearance on NYTimes.com. But the creme de la creme was being interviewed by Carolyn of Cleveland.com's And One blog. Check it out here.

Carolyn had some very nice things to say about my writing and the site, and if she's reading this she's welcome to do a guest post here any time she'd like.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The New York Knicks have the sixth pick in this year's NBA draft, and Knick fans can't wait to see who they'll squander it on.

Defensive end Charles Grant, who has been indicted on second-degree murder charges, is actually training with the New Orleans Saints. The team plans to make a special jersey for Grant where the name Saints is in big quotation marks.

Jose Canseco told friends he intends to try celebrity boxing. We were shocked, since we didn't realize he still had friends.

Mike Piazza is retiring from baseball after discussing his options with his wife and his agent. No word yet on what his boyfriend had to say. But he could go either way.

And former referee Tim Donaghy's attorney has indicated that gambling in the NBA stretches way beyond him. Oh, and Charles Barkley owes him $10,000.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

A high school athlete accidentally speared a photographer with his javelin at a track and field meet. In related news, Britney Spears is taking up javelin.

Columnist Tony Kornheiser will be inducted into the National Jewish Sports Hall of Fame, or as it's known elsewhere, the loneliest place on earth. The hall includes several hundred sports writers and three athletes.

USC is claiming it had no knowledge of any impropriety concerning O.J. Mayo. In fact, O. J. Mayo doesn't even know the meaning of the word "impropriety." Really, he has no idea what it means. Maybe it's a fish of some sort.

And NASCAR promoter Humpy Wheeler is retiring. He plans on spending time with his family, fishing, and selling his name to a porn star.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban admitted to smoking pot. Which we figured out when he traded for Jason Kidd.

Reports have surfaced that Kobe Bryant is having an affair with former Lakers Girl Vanessa Curry. Bryant's wife is looking forward to receiving some new jewelry.

An Atlanta Braves fan has serious head injuries after falling from the stands at Turner Field. The man fell so quickly and dramatically that many people mistook him for the Mets.

New York Mets Johan Santana and Jose Reyes now have their own signature brands of wine. Mets manager Willie Randolph is next in line, since he's got a huge supply of sour grapes.

And Syracuse and Johns Hopkins are set to meet in the NCAA men's lacrosse final. The after party will be at Duke.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

A poll showed NBA fans would prefer a Lakers vs. Celtics match-up for the historical significance. Fans would also like to give Kobe Bryant a chance to cheat on his wife in a whole new market.

Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah has been arrested for possession of marijuana, which he obviously got from the guy who cuts his hair.

In Pittsburgh, markets are being anti-Red Wing by refusing to sell octopus. In Detroit, fans are being anti-Penguin by beating up nuns.

Some NFL insiders are proposing that all championships for the New England Patriots come with an asterisk. And the one championship for the Buccaneers should come with a question mark and one of those sideways smiley faces.

And former Mets and Red Sox pitcher Geremi Gonzalez was killed after being hit by lightning, proving once and for all that God is a Yankees fan.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The ratings for this year's Stanley Cup are up 157 percent from 2007. The NHL is so pleased by the results that they're planning on extending the Penguins-Red Wings match-up into a best of 49 game series. The Red Wings are still favored to sweep.

The ownership of the Mets said Willie Randolph can keep his job as manager. Unfortunately, Willie didn't receive the message because Jose Reyes bobbled it. If things don't work out with the Mets, Randolph can always coach the Knicks.

And Rangers infielder Hank Blalock is suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome. The good news is that he now carries dual roles: third baseman and guitar hero.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Pacman Jones is meeting with Roger Goodell about reinstatement. Hopefully Pacman has enough points to get an extra guy.

Pedro Martinez is slated to start June 3rd for the Mets. So get your tickets now for "Too Little, Too Late Day."

Professional tennis player Ashley Harkleroad has agreed to pose nude for Playboy. Fans will finally have a visual that corresponds to that grunting sound.

And a blind wrestler has qualified for the Maryland high school state championships. Unfortunately, he showed up in Virginia. We look forward to the match, which will begin with a spirited game of Marco Polo.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Cleveland Indians: Room for Improvement?

The Cleveland Indians offense has struggled mightily this season, barely topping the 200 run mark through 49 games. But can fans expect improvement? There's a common theory that over the course of the year, players' "slash stats" will regress to their career averages. The slash stats, of course, are batting average, on base percentage, and slugging percentage. (The fourth slash below is OPS, on base plus slugging.) Using the great site Fangraphs, let's compare each hitter's 2008 performance to their career performance. I've left Ben Francisco and Michael Aubrey out of the discussion, because they don't have enough major league experience to make this exercise worthwhile. And, well, they are two of the few Tribe hitters who don't need any improvement.

Casey Blake 2008: .219/.310/.358/.667, Career: .260/.331/.440/.771 - Blake has a little room for improvement. I was going to chalk the low numbers up to his age. But he performed at or above his career averages in 2006 and 2007, so it doesn't look like he's regressing just yet.

Asdrubal Cabrera 2008: .172/.272/.234/.506, Career: .233/.317/.338/.655 - It may not be fair to judge Cabrera just yet, as his career totals are based on just 80+ games. Cabrera may be the defensive answer at shortstop, but he has a long way to go before his bat catches up with his glove.

Jamey Carroll 2008: .203/.329/.246/.576, Career: .269/.349/.348/.697 - Carroll got off to a good start this year, at least in terms of On Base Percentage. That's cooled off a bit as of late, but he's still around the league average. Carroll has yet to hit for any power in 2008, and it looks like he does have a little room for improvement there.

David Dellucci 2008: .228/.310/.377/.687, Career: .259/.343/.441/.784: A month ago, Dellucci was one of the lone bright spots for the Indians. Now his numbers have tailed off below his career averages. Expect to see some improvement for Dellucci as the season goes on, unless he's traded away to make room for Shin-Soo Choo.

Ryan Garko 2008: .236/.329/.372/.701, Career: .280/.353/.460/.813: Everyone knew coming in that Garko was just a guy that got on base, not a slugger. Still, he's struggled a bit in 2008. His walk rate (9.8%) is actually the highest it's been in his young career, but his batting average on balls in play is way down. BABIP is a flukey thing, and often relies on luck. His ground ball/fly ball/line drive rates aren't much different this year, so Garko just needs to be patient and wait for the hits to start dropping in.

Franklin Gutierrez 2008: .235/.279/.341/.619, Career: .259/.302/.411/.713 - Gutierrez has always been a five tool player, but those tools have never quite translated into good numbers at the plate. Still, as you can see, Gutierrez can expect for his numbers to improve a little as they regress back to his career totals.

Travis Hafner 2008: .219/.320/.358/.678, Career: .285/.393/.540/.933 - Pronk's numbers have been enigmatic over the past two years, and many people say he hasn't been the same since the high beanball from Mark Buehrle in late 2006. What's changed since 2006?

As you can see, Hafner's fly ball rate (blue line) have been in a steady decline over the past few years. His ground ball percentage (green line) also had a huge spike, which is bad news when the opposing infielders always shift in your honor. The good news is that this year, Hafner's ground ball rate is starting to go down again and his line drive percentage is coming up. This could be the start of the turnaround. Indeed, Pronk has been making quite a few "loud outs" lately.
However, it looks like the slump has affected Hafner's famous plate discipline. Not so, according to the numbers. Hafner is swinging at just 16.38 of pitches he sees outside of the zone, the lowest mark of his career. He's also swinging at 62.78% of pitches inside the strike zone, a slight improvement over last year. Pronk also has had a higher contact percentage in these past two seasons (his "slump years"); I'm not sure what that indicates. Maybe the source of his power was a more emphatic all-or-nothing swing before the slump?

Andy Marte 2008: .115/.179/.115/.294, Career: .194/.256/.336/.592 - Marte's another guy that I'm not sure was fair to put on this list. He's never been a full-time player, including this year. The stats say he has room to improve over this year's numbers to date. Of course, the scouts and his minor league numbers will say that he has room to improve even over his career MLB stats.

Victor Martinez 2008: .300/.344/.357/.702, Career: .301/.372/.467/.838 - As you can see, Martinez has done well in terms of average and OBP, but where's his power been this season?

As you can see, his line drive rate is up, which is probably what's holding his average together. His ground ball rate is also up, which is good for a speedster, but not for a plodder like Martinez. But his fly ball percentage has completely fallen. I'd love to do a mechanics analysis of his swing from the past and this year, but unfortunately I don't have the time or the resources for that.

Jhonny Peralta 2008: .212/.277/.404/.681, Career: .262/.332/.424/.755 - Peralta and his better than 20/20 vision do have plenty of room for improvement. But improvement to what? Peralta's career .262 batting average and .332 on base are almost exactly league average. That's not what you want from a guy whose bat is supposed to make up for mediocre defensive play. Even a move to third base seems like a bad idea now, as you expect better production than that out of your third baseman.

Kelly Shoppach 2008: .217/.288/.300/.588, Career: .237/.291/.393/.685 - Shoppach is a very solid backup catcher. Maybe he could even start in the National League. But as far as this year goes, he needs to improve his average and power. His career is far too short to pay much attention to patterns, but since peaking in 2006, Shoppach's line drive rate has gone down and his ground ball and fly ball rates have gone up.

Grady Sizemore 2008: .261/.373/.472/.825, Career: .281/.369/.489/.856 - His batting average may not show it, but Grady Sizemore is having a typical year. He's actually on pace to match most of his career averages as well. I doubt there are many people disappointed in Sizemore's play to date, especially since he's doing very well compared to the rest of the team. So far, what you see is what you should get with Grady.

Cleveland Cavaliers: Are They Really That Bad Off?

Bloggers everywhere are decrying the "sad state" of the Cavaliers, calling for head coach Mike Brown's job and pining for the days when LeBron James will get some "real help" on the roster. But is Cleveland really in that bad shape?

• The team put up with enough injuries to sink their season, plus had half of their roster traded away, and still finished fourth in the conference.


• They took the top-seeded Celtics to 7 games in the conference semifinals, winning each of their home games.


• Three of their losses at Boston were by less than 10 points. Had the Cavs had home court advantage, they very well could have won the series. Heck, they almost won it without home court.

So I'm optimistic for 2008-09. The Cavs will have had a little more time to work on their chemistry, plus (hopefully) they'll be slightly more injury-free. Clevelanders, prepare for the Cavaliers to Rise Up again next season.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Charles Barkley owes a Las Vegas casino $400,000. Man, buffet cover charges sure do add up.

The New York Knicks have sent Isiah Thomas on a scouting mission to Europe. No word yet on when they'll give him a return ticket.

John Daly may join the PGA European Tour next year. Odd – we didn't realize Europe even had trailer parks.

And President Bush revealed that he has given up golf. Great – he finally learns when to quit, and it's at golf? Maybe having one handicap was enough for him.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Charles Barkley will pay back his $400,000 gambling debt. He'd have run from his problems, but he didn't want to get winded.

Los Angeles Sparks forward Candace Parker just missed recording a triple-double during her WNBA debut. Though we could say that she did and no one would know if we were making it up.

Jason Giambi revealed that he often wears a gold thong to break batting slumps, prompting the media guide to list him as a switch hitter.

And disgraced figure skater Tonya Harding just completed her first book. She hopes to read a second one soon. The autobiography is actually 300 pages, and the hardcover version is excellent for bludgeoning your opponents in the knee.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Dale Earnhardt, Jr. announced that he wants his organization to work full-time with the Sprint Cup program. He'd have announced it sooner, but he kept dropping the call.

Gene Upshaw says NFL owners could cause a lockout by 2011. Aaron Rodgers asked if they could work on making it this year.

Andy Roddick is pulling out of the French Open due to a shoulder injury. France is thrilled to hear that an American surrendered.

Former Bengals receiver Chris Henry has said that he would love to play for Miami. That, or go back to prison. It's a toss up.

And according to the rumor mill, Roger Clemens is not yet retired. According to all thirty major league teams, he is.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Pedro Martinez may retire after this year. But instead of throwing in a towel, he's going to use Don Zimmer.

The Red Sox have completed installation of solar thermal panels at Fenway Park which will provide 37% of the hot water at the ballpark. The ballpark's hot air, meanwhile, will still be provided by Red Sox fans.

Good news - Pat Summerall will be able to receive a liver transplant. Bad news - it's from John Daly.

After defeating the Hornets, the Spurs had to sleep on a grounded plane in New Orleans. It was so frustrating that Tim Duncan almost frowned.

And Charles Barkley has pledged to stop gambling. In related news, Las Vegas is closing.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Notre Dame Baseball in the Big East Tournament

Notre Dame's baseball team begins the Big East tournament against South Florida on Tuesday. The game is at 8:00 PM Eastern, and it appears the only coverage you're going to get is through the UND.com gametracker.

The Irish will enter the tournament with revenge on their mind against USF. Notre Dame looked to be on the bubble for one of the last spots in the NCAA Regionals before being swept by the Bulls in the last weekend of the regular season. Could a long run in the conference tourney put the Irish back on the road to Omaha? The journey begins Tuesday at 8:00.

Notre Dame Football Players to Watch

The guys at Bleacher Report asked me to take a quick look at Notre Dame players to watch for the upcoming football season. Of course, being long-winded as I am, my "quick look" turned into 1400 words. Still, be sure to check it out here.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Tapes prove the Patriots stole offensive signs from the Miami Dolphins. We're still trying to figure out why.

HBO will follow the Cowboys again for its next season of the training-camp series Hard Knocks. They will also follow the Cincinnati Bengals during a remake of Oz. HBO will also follow the Cowboy cheerleaders for a series called "Hard Knockers."

KFC and the NBA have announced a new promotional partnership that will span 22 countries and territories. We're guessing one of them is Greece.

And a University of Florida football player was dismissed after using a dead woman's credit card. Authorities found out when he paid for a meal and the waiter felt... (wait for it)...stiffed.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Dwyane Wade's Sports Grill in Boca Raton has closed after just two months. We wouldn't be surprised if the Heat follow suit. The restaurant's days were numbered when they combined the phrase "all you can eat" with Star Jones.

Former 49ers quarterback Joe Montana is suing his first wife and a Texas auction house for selling love letters and memorabilia from his time at the University of Notre Dame. It's the biggest disgrace in Notre Dame history since last season.

Heisman winner Tim Tebow is currently spending time in an impoverished village in the Philippines helping to circumcise impoverished children. Which makes sense, since football is a game of inches.

And seven-time Tour de France winner and cancer survivor Lance Armstrong is calling on Congress to renew the nation's war on cancer. Congress will respond as soon as cancer produces oil.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The NHL and Versus are thinking of introducing puck-tracking technology that would make it easier for viewers to follow the fast-moving puck. The only problem is that to keep track of the puck, viewers would have to be watching hockey at the time.

In the NHL, San Jose fired coach Ron Wilson, whose career has officially jumped the shark.

Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett, Bruce Bowen, Tim Duncan and Marcus Camby were selected to the NBA All-Defensive team on Monday. Dikembe Mutombo also received several votes based on how defensive he becomes whenever anyone questions his real age.

Qualifying and practice at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway were cancelled for the day due to rainfall. On the positive side, the rains left the crowd cleaner than they'd been in months.

And O.J. Mayo is accused of accepting thousands of dollars in cash and other gifts from an event promoter. Mayo will probably be punished by being drafted by Miami.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Former Patriots employee Matt Walsh met with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell for nearly three and a half hours on the Spygate scandal. Walsh's tapes of the meeting should be available shortly.

Seattle Seahawks linebacker Lofa Tatupu was arrested for investigation of drunken driving. He almost got away when police mistook his .158 blood-alcohol level for the Seattle SuperSonics winning percentage.

David Stern said he doesn't like all the promotional smoke and fire used during NBA games. Probably because it reminds him of the Miami Heat.

Goose Gossage criticized Joba Chamberlain's excessive celebratory style while on the mound. Not because it's unsportsmanlike, but because the Yankees haven't had anything worth celebrating in months.

And Annika Sorenstam announced she will retire. She reached retirement earlier than most because she got to start from the red tees.

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My Reading List

I cleaned up the list of links in the right sidebar a little. As I was working on the list, I thought of a new column idea that I could use when... well, when I don't have any better column ideas. It's called "My Reading List," and it will highlight some of the links in the sidebar, as well as some things from my ever-growing daily reading list of RSS feeds. Today I'll cover a few sports syndication sites, a fellow Cleveland-area blogger, and some up-and-coming Gammonsesque sites.

You may have head of the big sports syndication sites BallHype and YardBarker. These sites are the digg of sports, in essence. I added links to the bottom of each post that lets you add my articles to those sites, if that's your sort of thing. (If it's not, and you think all the additional stuff at the bottom of each post is getting out of control, please let me know.) I was also asked to syndicate my content on the site Bleacher Report. So be sure to check out that site and give them some love. Finally, you can also find me on ArmchairGM, which is an amalgam of the three above sites and Wikipedia. Plus it's run by my new Twitter-buddy Dan.

In baseball, FanGraphs is becoming more and more addictive as it adds more statistics. The commentary and analysis is top notch, too. Saber Scouting is run by a pair of young scouts. On their site, you'll learn as much about the scouting profession as you will about the young prospects they cover. Speaking of prospects, Project Prospect is an up-and-coming community full of Gammonsesque prospect-addicts like me.

Finally, there's fellow Cleveland-area blogger Mitchell, who runs Juiced Sports Blog. Mitchell is a good give with whom I've shared many an email, so be sure to support his site.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Yankees unearthed a Red Sox jersey that a construction worker hid in the new stadium's concrete. The jersey was buried so low, they had to dig past A-Rod's playoff batting average.

Broncos wideout Brandon Marshall cut a deep gash in his arm. Were he on the Dolphins, it probably would have been his wrists.

The Olympic torch will be in Africa for two days. It's a short run, but if it stayed any longer in the continent, Angelina Jolie would adopt it.

A new batch of emails suggests the Seattle SuperSonics may have been talking to Oklahoma City as early as 2007 about possible relocation plans. Wow. We didn't even know Oklahoma City had email in 2007.

And three people were injured before a game between the Minnesota Timberwolves and Memphis Grizzlies when a section of the stands at FedExForum collapsed. The incident was particularly unfortunate since they were the only three fans in attendance.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Marion Jones' teammates were punished when the IOC stripped their relay gold medals. In a related story, Barry Bonds' teammates might have to forfeit their participation ribbons.

The ball from Barry Bonds' homerun #762 sold for $376,000. Unfortunately the ball will come with an asterisk that denotes the amount is in US Dollars.

Milwaukee Bucks forward Desmond Mason said his team needs to work on their chemistry. Based on the way the Bucks have been shooting, they may also want to work on their physics.

Browns wide receiver Joe Jurevicius has become the sixth Browns player in four years to suffer a major staph infection. At least the Browns are finally leading the NFL in something.

And Minnesota Vikings great Carl Eller has been charged with assault on a police officer, impaired driving and making terrorist threats. Or as the Bengals call it, Tuesday.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Atlanta Hawks have made the playoffs. Atlanta fans cheered when they heard the news while watching a Braves game.

Yankees reliever Joba Chamberlain has left the team to be with his ailing father in Nebraska. Hopefully his father will feel better once he stops watching the Yankees.

Pacman Jones said he applied for reinstatement. We're shocked at his announcement. Four syllables in one word? That's impressive. As with anything associated with Jones, the message was delivered by armed courier.

And the Oklahoma State Legislature has approved an incentive package to help lure the SuperSonics to Oklahoma City. The package passed by a vote of 66-32, which is usually what the Sonics are losing by at halftime.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The former owner of the Seattle SuperSonics is suing the current ownership to get the team back. The team is also getting sued by every sports broadcaster who has a lisp.

Minnesota forward Antoine Walker wants to be traded to a team that will give him significant minutes. The New York Liberty have expressed interest.

Hershel Walker has admitted that he suffers from multiple personality disorder. Makes sense – he's a black man with a Jewish name. Suddenly, a 5 for 1 trade doesn't sound so lopsided.

And Tom Brady has allegedly proposed to his longtime girlfriend, Giselle Bundchen. Perhaps he can borrow a ring from the Giants.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Pope Benedict XVI held a mass for 46,000 worshippers at the new Nationals Park in Washington D.C. He was such a big draw, the Nationals have asked him to stay and play left field.

Houston Astros shortstop Miguel Tejada admitted to being 33, two years older than previously thought. Tejada's confession came just in time, as the team was about to cut him open and count his rings. And considering he'd been playing for Baltimore and Oakland, he doesn't have any rings.

The Atlanta Hawks are playing against the Boston Celtics in the first round of the NBA playoffs. Those playoffs are taking place in 1998.

And Isiah Thomas was fired as the Knicks head coach. There's no joke here, we just think that's awesome.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Tiger Woods will be out for at least a month after a minor knee operation. Only ten more surgeries and he'll break Jack Nicklaus's record.

The post Isiah Thomas Knicks aren't in the clear yet - they are already committed to paying over $177 million over the next three years. And that's just to Anucha Browne Sanders.

Kenny Chesney took batting practice with the Baltimore Orioles. The country music star looked entirely out of place since he's actually had a few big hits.

And the Yankees grounds crew did a terrific job of preparing the stadium for the Pope's visit. They even dug up two feet of concrete after hearing someone buried a Red Sox yarmulke. The team is hoping that the Pope can return to the Bronx while they're home, so he can give Last Rites to their pitching staff.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

New England Patriots wide receiver Randy Moss is writing his life story. He's only written two chapters and already he's finished an entire box of crayons.

Golfer Colin Montgomerie married his longtime sweetheart over the weekend in what reporters labeled the number one Scottish social event of the year. The second most popular event involved a bottle of Scotch and a couple of sheep.

Denver's team bus caught fire on the way to their playoff game against the Lakers. It's the hottest the Nuggets have been in a month.

Sega, Omega, and McDonald's have finalized endorsement deals with Olympic sprinter Tyson Gay. The contracts make him the highest paid Gay man in America since Tom Cruise.

And the third period of a Minnesota Wild-Colorado Avalanche playoff game on Versus was cut off for a Victoria Principal makeup infomercial. And the ratings actually went up.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The New York Knicks admitted that Mark Jackson is on their wish list. Also on their wish list? A time machine.

Pro Bowl defensive end Jared Allen has been traded from Kansas City to the Minnesota Vikings. Allen is looking forward to his chance to be involved in a sex scandal.

John Smoltz has become the 16th player in major league history to join the 3,000 strikeout club. Or the 17th if you count Reggie Jackson.

A new report suggests that the Cubs may have thrown the 1918 World Series. No word yet on their excuse for the last 90 years.

And Jose Canseco spent more than three hours with federal agents discussing the alleged steroid use of Roger Clemens, Miguel Tejada and Alex Rodriquez. It's the longest Canseco has ever gone without talking about himself.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The Titans have finally agreed to trade Pacman Jones to the Cowboys. Dallas's strippers are thrilled.

The Dolphins will select Michigan offensive tackle Jake Long as their number one pick. Miami officials called the selection a no-brainer, which is exactly how much brain they've used on the rest of their personnel decisions.

Michigan offensive lineman Justin Boren will transfer to Ohio State, where he will then change his name to Judas Benedict.

NBC has extended their deal with the NHL through the 2008-2009 season. Because they had eight dollars.

And fresh off defeating 43-year-old Bernard Hopkins, Joe Calzaghe is planning to fight 39-year-old Roy Jones. If that fight falls through, he'll be digging up Sugar Ray Robinson.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Mavericks forward Josh Howard openly discussed his off-season pot use, before explaining to reporters how to sync up game film with "Dark Side of the Moon."

Nuggets coach George Karl is reportedly on the radar of Knicks president Donnie Walsh. Of course, at 250 pounds Karl is on everyone's radar. Walsh would have hired him already, but he’s waiting for Karl to get swept out of the playoffs before deciding that he’s qualified to coach the Knicks.

Floyd Mayweather Jr. will wave the green flag at the Indy 500 just weeks after an appearance with WWE. Racing and wrestling? If he learns how to fish, he'll officially move from welterweight to Foxworthy joke.

And a golfer in Iowa hit two holes-in-one in the same round but said that he's not a lucky person. Evidenced by exhibit A: living in Iowa.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The University at Buffalo's top basketball player has been suspended indefinitely for posting an online ad offering to pay someone to write a paper. The school was livid, since they would have done it for free.

An umpire was knocked unconscious when a 96-mph fastball hit the right side of his jaw. The ump was so rattled, he began actually making quality calls.

Larry the Cable Guy took batting practice with the Milwaukee Brewers. It's the first time all season that Prince Fielder looked svelte.

And new reports suggest that Roger Clemens had a decade-long relationship with country star Mindy McCready that began when she was 15 years-old. And he seems like such an honest guy. Clemens said he did not, but if he did have a relationship with a 15-year-old, she was provided to him by Brian McNamee.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Notre Dame is considering shedding its independent status and joining the Big Ten. It would be a huge move for the school given that the only organization they looked fit to join last year was Pop Warner.

Barry Zito has actually been demoted to the bullpen by the San Francisco Giants. Zito said if he felt anymore useless, he'd be the extra-point kicker for the 49ers.

A man bought his 7-year-old son a Mike's Hard Lemonade at a Detroit Tigers game, not realizing the drink was alcoholic until much later. In a related story, Roger Clemens now claims that he merely asked his trainer for some juice.

The Hawks shocked the Celtics by winning their second consecutive game in their first round series. The last time Atlanta put up this much resistance was the Civil War.

And the Lakers inched one step closer to the NBA Finals by sweeping the Nuggets. Kobe Bryant was especially ecstatic afterwards since the last time he got a ring it cost him $4 million.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Alex Rodriguez is on the DL with a strain of his quadriceps classified as Grade 2. That makes the strain better educated than half his teammates.

Veteran NFL official Ed Marion died at the age of 81. His family tried to bury him, but were whistled for piling on.

And the captain of the Scranton Penguins was caught running naked through town. It's the first interesting thing to happen to Scranton since "The Office." And the most indecent thing to happen to Pennsylvania since the Pirates. The player has since been charged with public drunkenness, disorderly conduct, open lewdness and high sticking.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Rumors are swirling that Roger Clemens had an affair with John Daly's ex-wife Paulette Dean. You know your life is in a freefall when you’re willingly scooping up John Daly's seconds.

Tampa Bay Ray Scott Kazmir is expected to make his season debut on Sunday after missing more than a month with an elbow injury. He spent the first 3 weeks on the DL, and the next 10 days in central Florida traffic behind a Buick with one turn-signal on.

Barack Obama scrimmaged with the University of North Carolina basketball team. Players had no problem guarding the Democratic senator since he always went to his left.

Dennis Rodman was arrested for hitting a woman in a hotel room. He was upset that she borrowed his blouse without asking.

And the Oklahoma City council has required that if they move, the SuperSonics must use Oklahoma City in the team name. This puts a quick end to the plan of naming the team the "extremely southeast of Seattle SuperSonics."

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Randy Moss has formed a racing group. He said if he can't win a ring, maybe it's best just to drive around one.

Red Sox player Brandon Moss had his appendix removed. The team doctor said if the organ were any more worthless to the system, it would be called "Mike Timlin."

Arizona’s Brandon Webb is 7-0. Webb is extra motivated this season, because if he wins ten in a row, he gets invited to Matt Leinart's next party.

David Beckham scored twice when playing Salt Lake. He is not the first man to score multiple times in Utah.

And the Hawks were blown out by the Celtics to end the first round of the NBA playoffs, losing Game Seven 99-65. Too bad - the Hawks were just 35 points away from losing in the second round instead of the first.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The Phoenix Suns have allowed Mike D'Antoni to talk to both the Bulls and the Knicks. Because they hate him.

The Pistons beat Orlando 91-72 in Game 1 of their second round match-up. Magic fans haven't been embarrassed that badly since David Blaine.

Falcons linebacker Michael Boley was charged with battery. It's the first strong hit an Atlanta linebacker's had in years.

Fred Davis overslept during Redskins minicamp. Davis was unable to wake himself from a wonderful dream in which he played for a contender.

And police pepper sprayed the Chicago Bears Cedric Benson after arresting him. The arrest was for boating under the influence. The pepper spray was for playing for the Bears.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Ozzie Guillen lashed out at the media and at White Sox fans in a vulgar tirade. The only thing more vulgar than Guillen's tirade is how the White Sox have been playing.

Barry Zito will rejoin the Giants rotation, having not made a single relief appearance. Because he'd probably blow that, too.

Steelers first-round pick Rashard Mendenhall was robbed at gunpoint. The good news is that getting robbed and being treated unfairly will prepare him for life as a Pirates fan.

And a Wisconsin boy who wore a Brett Favre jersey everyday for four straight years has finally taken it off. Too bad – just three years shy of John Madden's record. When asked what he plans to do now, the boy said he might consider having a friend.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The Nevada Boxing Commission is trying to make fights more exciting – by lowering the glove size from 10 ounces to 8 ounces. If that doesn't work, the next idea is to give ringside seats to Pacman Jones.

Former Georgia Tech QB Joe Hamilton was charged with marijuana possession and hit-and-run. Which was probably more of a hit and drive away very, very slowly.

The Orlando Magic's flight from Detroit to Orlando was diverted because of a mechanical problem. Wow. Even Orlando's plane can't land one.

And New Jersey Nets forward Richard Jefferson was arrested for grabbing a man's neck. Jefferson was livid when the man mistakenly thought he played for the Knicks. Which fits, because the Knicks are used to choking.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Six harness horses have tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs. On the positive side, none of them have had an affair with a 15-year-old country singer.

Video has surfaced of Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis telling Michigan to "go to hell." Considering how well Notre Dame played last year, Weis can give Michigan precise directions.

Chargers star LaDainian Tomlinson has said he plans to retire in five years. Which is strange, because we thought he quit during last year's playoffs.

And the Olympic flame found its way to the top of Mount Everest, where it barely grazed the bottom of Kobe Bryant's ego. In Nepal, a mountain that high is called Sagarmatha. In America, it's called Ricky Williams.

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Ten Ways To Improve The Game Of Basketball, In Increasing Order Of Entertainment Value

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare recipient

#1: Actual Enforcement Of Rules
Yeah, buddy, I'm pretty sure that was a travel right there.

#2: More Creative Enforcement Of Rules
Free shots just don't seem very sporting; every point made should be a point earned. Instead, penalties should result in punitive action. The obvious choice would be to institute a hockey-style penalty box, but there are more creative methods. They could forbid the player from using his arms for thirty seconds, or tie one of his legs to that of a lucky fan.

#3: Style Points
The more flamboyant the shot, the more points that are awarded. First and foremost, after all, the players are here to entertain.

#4: Time-Progressive Penalty Restrictions
The game would start with the normal five-penalty limit per player. As the game progresses, however, less penalties would be acceptable. The last ten minutes of the game could not be played by any player with more than one penalty, and the last two minutes would be limited to those without any.

#5: Height Classes
Apply graduated height limits to the players on the court. Each team needs one player on the court who is less than four feet tall, one less than five, and one less than six and seven feet, respectively. One player's height could be unlimited. If you don't have a playable person for a given class, you can't fill that position on the court.

#6: Larger Courts
We don't really need games with three-digit scores. How about we extend the length of the court a bit? A hundred yards seems like a nice, round, common number.

#7: More Sponsorship Deals
I . . . I just can't get enough. Should I drink the sports drink, or . . . or buy the shoes, or wear the clothes, or . . . or what? I need a basketball player to tell me how to live my life! Somebody, please help me.

#8: That Guy Award
After every game, the fans get to vote on which player was That Guy. This player would then be subjected to something suitably humiliating, like a pie in the face or a wedgie.

#9: Foley Artists
Pretty much every specific action in basketball begs for an attendant sound affect. With Foley artists, slam dunks would actually slam. Swishes would actually swish. Penalties would actually sound like foghorns. Foley artists make everything more entertaining.

#10: Hazards
With a larger court, there would be plenty of room to mix it up a bit. How about a rope-swing/mud-pit splitting the center court? Low-friction, sandy, and sloped areas would also be entertaining, as would wind machines, fog machines, and rogue Syrian hamsters.